Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dh is leaving me.....(long, sorry)

265 replies

spacecadet · 17/01/2006 15:12

my dh and i have been together for 10 years, we met when i moved just a few doors away from him.
he was single after a marriage break up and i was a lone parent with 2 kids aged 4 and 2.
we didnt move in together for 3 years, then we bought a house on the same estate and married in 1999,i can honestly say that we were blissfully happy, we were comfortably off as i worked full time too and he told me on our wedding day that it was the happiest day of his life.
i broached the subject of us having children together and he said he didnt want any, he was happy as things were, however in june 2000, he changed his mind and i was pregnant a month later.
thats when it all started going down hill, i had a dreadful pregnancy, suffered from hyperemesis, in the first 5 months and then spd, then i was induced and had a difficult birth as ds was 9lb 7 requiring heaps of stitching as i had a 3rd degree tear and then ds stopped breathing and was rushed to special care.
after that i developed pnd and the first year of ds's life was spent in a blur and my marriage suffered, we also sufered finacial setbacks as due to my depression i couldnt return to work as early as id hoped. then just as i was starting to feel good again and things were getting back on track, i fell pregnany again with dd(i had a coil in), and although i didnt suffer with the pregnancy and birth etc, i developed a balance disorder after she was born, a blood clot in the leg, then later a blood clot to the lung, i have gone on to lose 2 babies, one at 16 weeks and one at 23 weeks in oct.
subsequently, my marriage just seems to have fallen apart, i have gained 4 stone since i married dh and i sensed that he didnt really find me attractive.
he starts a new job in a week in wales, which was supposed to be a new start for us as it meant i could go back to being near my family, but i would have to stay here and sell the house.
last night he told me that he didnt think he loved me anymore, just like that, he said he hadnt been happy since ds was born 5 years ago!
he confessed that he had fantasised about slkeeping with my neighbour and said he didnt find me attractive anymore.
he said he has stayed as he loves his kids but cant cope with my balance disorder either and also said that he thinks having children has ruined our marriage.
he said when he goes on saturday, we will be seperated and ive got to fend for myself.
i havent stopped crying all morning from worry(im not sure how i feel about dh), ive got 4 kids, im recovering from pneumonia and hes going and leaving me with no money. i feel very depressed, i cant think straight.
sorry for the really long post.

OP posts:
Yorkiegirl · 17/01/2006 15:14

Message withdrawn

NomDePlume · 17/01/2006 15:14

oh spacecadet, I'm so sorry to read this.

Dinosaur · 17/01/2006 15:15

Oh God spacecadet, I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry. How can he?

NomDePlume · 17/01/2006 15:16

I know he says he is unhappy and he's taken a bit of a pummelling on MN for his lacklustre (at best) husbanding (not a word, I know). He is being a total shit, leaving you at this point. I'm so so sorry

madmarchhare · 17/01/2006 15:16

Bloody hell SC, do you really think he means all of this? Is there any chance a couple of weeks of thinking time might change how he feels about it all? What about money for the kids in the meantime?

TambaTheDragonSlayer · 17/01/2006 15:16

Im so sorry to read this spacey. Thats all you need atm. I dont know what to say

Turquoise · 17/01/2006 15:16

I'm so sorry SC, what a horrendous situation for you.
Can you get to a CAB to get the financial practicalities clarified for you?

ponygirl · 17/01/2006 15:16

at his behaviour, sc. So sorry . Think he's a git to do this to you now with all you've been through lately. I read your other thread and thought he sounded as much use as a chocolate teapot, so maybe you'd be better off without him. But that's no help if that's not what you feel. Sorry, sc, probably talking cr*p. xxx

meggmoo · 17/01/2006 15:17

Oh Spacecadet. This is awful for you. Do you think he is serious about Saturday being a cut off. Was he angry when he said that? Were you arguing?

Bugsy2 · 17/01/2006 15:21

Oh Spacecadet what an awful shock for you. This is devastating news, I am so sorry.
Have you tried to talk to him? What does he mean "fend for yourself" - is he going to support his children?

heavenis · 17/01/2006 15:22

So sorry for you. Is he not prepared to have counselling with you or something.

bundle · 17/01/2006 15:23

spacecadet, what an awful shock for you, I really wish there was something we could do

zephyrcat · 17/01/2006 15:25

Jesus spacey...I don't know what to say. I can't believe he is being such a selfish arse and more to the point now when you need it least of all. Do you have a close cirlcle of friends around you in RL to help you through?

So so sorry to see you going through this

Mercy · 17/01/2006 15:25

I'm so sorry for you and the children. What incredible timing; sadly it seems to explain his behaviour towards you which you described in your other thread.

doormat · 17/01/2006 15:32

sc so sorry to hear this
xxx

sunchowder · 17/01/2006 15:32

Unbelievable SC. I am so sorry to hear this. This must feel utterly devasting at this point in time. Your health is very important right now, if you can I would look into alternative therapies to deal with getting you back on your feet. I don't know how you feel about any of this, but craniosacrotherapy might help with the balance problems as might acupuncture. Anything is worth a try after you have tried Western Medicine and it is not working.

He will never have any successful long-term relationships with the issues that he carries. As much as you need him and want him, he has said some very painful things to you and is not available to you emotionally right now. Be as honest as you can be with yourself in helping yourself stand on your own right now. Even if anger is fueling your movement forward, you know if have to keep moving forward. I am so sorry that you are not well physically right now, but you still have so much to look forward to even though it is not clear to you right now and you might not be able to find comfort in that.

Sending you healing thoughts and I will try to stay with this thread.

meggmoo · 17/01/2006 15:36

I have read your post again. I think I would have felt devastated if my dh had said those things to me alone never mind everything else.
So I am very for you. I think you have been through hell recently and deserve to be treated so much better than this.

spacecadet · 17/01/2006 15:43

he says he is going on saturday, he will pay ant bills outstanding and he will continue to pay the mortgage, but ultimately says i must sell the house as he cant afford the mortgage and rent in wales, i still intend to move to wales as thats where my family are, i cant think about that at the mo, ive spent all morning pretending it hasnt happened, then it hit me.i phoned dss who said they will only pay 56 pounds a week income support for me but i need to claim the rest from tax credits. phoned ir who said that it would take several weeks to process my claim and she cancelled my existing award, there and then on the phone! so i wont get any tax credits until they process my new claim. income support will take about 2 weeks but i cant support myself and 4 kids on 56 pounds a week, and now i have no money apart from child benefit, until all this gets sorted.
im going to have to sell a heap of stuff to get some money together.
sunchowder, i saw a specialist in london, who cant make a diagnosis until i have the full range of balance functiuon tests, which i cant afford at the mo, but its most likely a failure to compensate from labyrynthitis, slight possibility of menieres, i feel dizzy 24/7 and suffer from motion intolerance, i find large crowds and supermarkets hard going.
i tried acupunture etc but it didnt work.

OP posts:
YeahBut · 17/01/2006 15:44

Is he aware that it is not up to you to "fend for yourself" but that he has to take responsibility for providing for the family that he helped create. I know you must be feeling shocked and disorientated but DONT let that stop you getting what you need from him if he does decide to go. Contact you local CAB and a solicitor ASAP. Thinking of you.

madmarchhare · 17/01/2006 15:45

but whats he said about money for the kids?

doormat · 17/01/2006 15:47

sc get back in touch with dss and tell them what has happened with tax credits,
hopefully they can help out
others will give better advice re financial situation
but I think IMO you are better off without your dh if this his attitude
xxx

bundle · 17/01/2006 15:47

re: the motion stuff, here's a programme i made about hearing/balance . i remember something about a manoeuvre that's v useful for vertigo, I think it was called the Epley manoeuvre and it helps with about 7/10 cases, at least to ease symptoms. hth

noddyholder · 17/01/2006 15:48

Have you tried buccastem for the dizziness?
As for your dh I have never heard anything so selfish What about the kids?When will he see them?If I was you I would try no matter how hard to act calm for now,tell him you are seeking legal advice and let him go.Do you have any friends who can support you in this?He must leave you enough money for food etc til things are a bit straighter Where is he now?

sunchowder · 17/01/2006 15:48

SC - how about Cranio-Osteo? Someone must know of a specialist in London--maybe start another thread. I believe in this, but lots of others do not think it helps at all. I believe it is worth a try. Do you have a pay pal account? You should post it here so that we can help you until your finances are sorted. If you don't have one, you should open one as soon as you are able. So many of us would want to help you if we could.

heavenis · 17/01/2006 15:50

Have you got anyone you could go and stay with in wales for a short while.
What about housing/council tax benefit.
Why is it left to you to sell the house.
I just can't believe he's choosen this time to tell you.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))