How would I know if my brother was manipulating his wife?

[2ddornot2dd]

This follows on from a thread I did in chat - the gist of which was that my brother applied for his daughters school place, and didn't tell his wife for several days. I just thought it was odd and unethical, but lots of MNers told me that he might be controlling and abusive. This isn't something I want to think about my brother, but if he is I am probably the only person who will stand up to him. So what other behaviours should I be looking for.

She has control of her own finances, and her mum and a couple of friends each visit at least weekly, meaning that she goes out at least 3 times a week without any of my family. There are also other visitors who come less often - her Dad, other friends. She always buys something when she goes out, and actually buys too many clothes etc for the kids. She is also part of a choir, and does that on her own. My parents give her lifts to parent and toddler group once a week (but don't stay), and other places if she asks so she has a fairly varied social life for someone with a 1yo and a 4yo (better than mine).

My parents also look after her 4yo for hours on end without any notice - she walks round herself and just stays for meals, so she does get lots of support like that.

To me this doesn't paint a picture of an abused wife. I am fairly sure he wouldn't hit her, but if I have had a warning, I don't want to ignore it.

Thanks in advance for your advice.

Do you think it could be because he's embarassed / uncomfortable about his wife's mental health issues, and if his child goes to school in the village everyone will know their business? Maybe he might want a fresh start for his child at a new school where no-one knows the past issues (or indeed, where his wife may have little contact with the school)?

What seems to be happening here is a whole lot of not much at all IMO. I genuinely don't see an abusive relationship.

I skim read the last thread and the replies were outrageous, really outrageous.

So the DB is controlling (ish), so what? He cares about his DW and their kids, which is a whole lot more than some people get. It's up to his DW to deal with that. What do you suggest the OP do/say? Has she asked members of her own actual family what their opinions are? At least those people know him.

I see too many people get talked into leaving on here. I'm not talking about DV and serious verbal abuse, which obviously need some serious addressing, but 'lesser' issues.

And the advice on here is depressing routine at times...i.e. Leave him.

These are people's real life relationships and the 'leave him' spiel (for lesser relationship problems) is at best patronising and at worst damaging.

errr...."leave him" ???

the Op asked for advice about her brother, SM

have you been reading the right threads ?

OK, thank you all - I asked for advice on what to look out for, and got a bit fed up when I was being accused of having issues.

My honest opinion is that he is arrogant, can't see another person's point of view, and is always convinced he is right. He is also inclined to take advantage of other peoples's good natures.

He is also generous, loving, an excellent father, and his wife has genuinely had a huge improvement in her mental health while they have been together.

So he is human, some good, some bad.

However, when I posted about the school thing I got four pages of 'your brother is an abuser, interfere right now'.

Clearly as none of you have anything constuctive to say which might add to a picture of an abuser I shall just have to continue as I always have - accepting that we all different - and my family are a bit more different. (apologies to whoever said look out for brainwashing)