Where do you get your books, please?

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I've recently had several books recommended to me on here: Why Does He Do That, Non-Violent Communication, The Verbally Abusive Relationship ... I've looked in my local library and in a big branch of Waterstone's and I haven't found any of them . Do you all get them from Amazon or similar? I am a bit worried about ordering them from there, as my browsing history etc always seems to appear at the bottom of the Amazon page, showing things I've looked at plus other recommendations. I suppose it's ok if DP sees it as they're really for him (once I've read them, anyway) - but am worried in case another family member uses the computer and spots it.

Or will this not happen if I'm looking at Amazon in private browsing mode?

Thanks for tips ...

You can turn off your browsing history on Amazon. Go down to where it says "Your Recent History", click "What's this?" and on the next page there's a button to turn it off.

Ah, thanks Wrongbow! Didn't know that.

I also remember them being kind of expensive on Amazon though, so if anyone has any ideas for where I can get them cheaper, that would be great. I'll have another look though.

I've used Amazon for books like that, yes. There might be some MNers who would lend you their copy/ies for a few months?

Just a point - if your DP is behaving in ways you think might be abusive and you're reading those books in order to get more clued up, don't on any account then give them to him. This probably goes without saying but I thought I'd mention it anyway :) Abusers just use any such information as ammunition against you, and it's better not to let on when you are educating yourself about their ways. Been there, done that, didn't work out well :(

You can get second-hand books on Amazon which are far cheaper than new copies. Alibris and Abe Books are other sites worth trying.

Yeah, I do understand, Bear. Thing is, he accepts he is to blame and knows he needs to change ... he has agreed to read some self-help books that I select for him, possibly as an introduction to, or accompaniment to counselling ... do you have any recommendations for what I should give him, then? I'm a bit perplexed, tbh ... but agreeing to read books is a BIG step forward for him , so I want to make the most of it ...

Thanks too, Lesser

Would the Non-Violent Communication one be a good compromise to give him, maybe? I've not read it yet (obviously!), but from the title it doesn't sound as if it would be pointing the finger of blame too much at him ...??

Well, as a first step I would read for yourself the Lundy Bancroft book, 'why does he do that', as he works with these men on a daily basis and on a large scale, and he writes a bit about the men who have sought treatment and why. he also talks about the cases in which such men can change and the times when change can't really happen.
Most experts universally agree that couples counselling isn't suitable where there is abuse, instead the man needs to seek treatment for his issues off his own bat and usually while he is not living with/involved with the woman. And he needs to seek appropriate treatment with someone who has experience of emotional abuse/anger issues. HTH, sorry this is rushed due to about to put DS to bed. Hopefully you already have/will have some replies which expand on this.

"not Just Friends" is out of print, and I got my copy off ebay for a couple of quid. I would imagine most of the books you are talking about would be on there too. You could set up a new account just for that.

Beverley Engel's The Emotionally Abusive Relationship is a good one for people who have recognised their ways of relating to each other are unhealthy. I think most people would get something out of it; it might help you, too, when you react to verbal abuse. Be warned though, if your DP does it because he's an abuser rather than a decent person who gets it wrong, he'll end up accusing you of doing all the unhealthy behaviours and insisting you're the one who needs to change.

If you are worried about it showing up online and you are not confident in hiding the history, Waterstones will order in any book in print, and not charge you for the service. I've done this a lot with textbooks, novels, kids books - all sorts. You just ask at the till (or an info point in a big store) and they can look it up on their systems and order it in. Usually takes a couple of weeks. They can call you to let you know it's arrived, or if you are really concerned then you could give a wrong number and just drop in weekly to ask if it has arrived.

I hope this helps!

PS - I don't work for Waterstones, but that is the only bookshop where I live so it is the only one I really know!

Thanks for the tips - I really appreciate it. Have ordered a couple of them from amazon now. No clue when I'm actually going to be able to read them as I have my toddler who never sleeps ALLLL day from dawn till duck, but I'll find some way of fitting it in - I have to.

dusk, even!

If he accepts he is abusing you, then why doesn't HE do something about it?

Why is HE not getting the books, calling RESPECT etc?

ANSWER: because he is NOT taking responsibility for anything he's doing. Eventually he'll just say that YOU have the problem and YOU need counselling.

For the LOVE of GOD don't give him a book about how abusers abuse! and NEVER do joint counselling It'll be like Post Grad studies for him, he'll get PROFESSIONAL HELP to abuse you!

Thanks, Hissy. I do see what you're saying. What books would you recommend that he read, then - genuine question? He's willing, and although I don't think I would quite give him Stop Hurting the Woman You Love just yet, he is offering to read whatever I give him. Which I would have said puts me at an advantage, no? He'll read whatever I want him to read. It was me who chose to research which books these should be, as I am at home all day and he's at work.

he is offering to read whatever I give him. ...It was me who chose to research which books these should be, as I am at home all day and he's at work.

I can only repeat what Hissy said: if he is truly taking responsibility, he will do his own research, book-buying, therapy... Having a job doesn't stop spmeone doing a bit of web research, placing an Amazon order, phoning a counsellor.

If you're choosing and buying the books, you are continuing to take responsibility for his actions.

Stop it. It's time for him to step up.

What she said!

With total love, admiration and respect for you PP, I'm NOT going to do this vile man's job for him!

If he wants to be allowed to remain in your life, HE has to put the work in, he has to make amends and changes.

He's choosing to be this vile to you. Let him choose how to stop it, or let him choose a divorce solicitor.

YES, you have to be THAT black and white.

Read what Lundy Bancroft says in Why Does He Do That about men who change and stop abusing. I can't stress this to you firmly enough.

I have to disagree and say that I would be happier knowing that what he was reading was relevant to our situation. If I was the OP I would want to have some input on which books where chosen to make sure I was comfortable with the content and philosophy.

I chose the books that H and I read (and are still reading) after his affair. Not because I was taking responsibility but because I wanted to make sure that they would be useful to us and not a waste of time and money.

He'll read whatever you want him to read... but he will interpret the meaning through his own worldview.

If you are going to order something for him, DO read the Lundy one for yourself. Even if just for the section on how angry or abusive men react to counselling and the one about how to tell if they're really changing or just going through the motions. There's also a companion one to The Verbally Abusive Relationship which has the true/false signs of change.

There's a disturbing part in the Lundy book where it describes the reaction of a fair proportion of men on the program (I can't find the reference now to quote) who come onto the course because they think it will provide them with new, just nonviolent, ways to control their wives or partners - that's how ingrained it is for them :(

Well I should say that I am not entirely convinced that books are the way to go in this situation, but if that is the OPs choice then I would want to have an input as I said above.

Bogey, with respect a man who's cheated can't be compared with an abusive man.

The abuse is not about US, so why on earth would we or should we police what he reads to supposedly cure himself of it. That's why these books are referred to as 'Self Help'

A cheat, 'may' be worth investing time and money in. IMHO abusers are not. To me, they're worth slightly less than the price of a bullet.

But apparently 'some' (very rarely) can change, but not if they are afforded a single moment of sympathy. They have to be utterly isolated from all forms of support. SHUNNED I seem to recall may have been the word I heard used.

Only when they see how outrageously wrong their behaviour is viewed to be by EVERYONE they know will it potentially dawn on them that they might have to re-think.

There are better odds at the Roulette table, but it IS possible that these 'men' can change.

Meant to say PP, what puts you at an advantage is to educate yourself as to what he's doing to you and your family, and to never EVER let him have a millimeter of room to ever do it again. Or he leaves. That's the choice.

I didnt say that it could, merely that I would want some input on the books, as I did after what my H did. It was to to show the kind of person I am, not to compare situations.

As I said, I dont think books are the way to go here anyway, but if the OP wants to go down that route then I hope it works for her.

Books are the way for HER to go. As for him, that's his journey.

An abuser will read the books, then blame her for choosing them! She has to be 100% outside of HIS transformation.

It's literally nothing to do with her. But she'll only see that when she reads Lundy's book.