just broken up - can we be friends?

[Sheila]

Hi all, grateful if you can help with this one:
Just had a short (4 month) relationship with a guy that he ended just before Xmas (nice). We never had much in common and the relationship was difficult from the start - very intense and up and down, but with compensations (great sex!).
Although he ended things and this was hurtful and a big blow to my self esteem, I do firmly believe that it's for the best that we're not together, and I don't want him back.
BUT, I'm feeling very low and lonely, miss him and still fancy him, so I'm struggling to keep away from him. We also work together (although in separate buildings), which complicates things.
He is working very hard to be ultra nice to me and stay in touch - we have had coffee a couple of times and he has suggested we go out for the day occasionally with my DS (who really likes XDP). He is keen to be "friends". It's clear (he has said as much) that he still has feelings for me and fancies me but thinks we're not right for each other.
I'm worried that if we do keep seeing each other he'll lose interest in my "friendship" after a while and I'll end up dumped again. Also I don't think I could bear to be around if and when he meets someone else. Although I'm actively trying to replace him my opportunities are limited (single parent), and I'm not exactly feeling at my most attractive.
On the other hand my weekends are often (usually) long and lonely and it would be good to have a male friend to spend time with. There is a remote possibilty that he genuinely cares about me, enjoys my company and will be a good friend.
So, what do you think I should do?

what do you think? Do you feel you can be friends?

I think if a break-up is mutual, or even if both parties realize that being in a relationship is a bad thing then it is possible to be friends. What concerns me though is the fact that you say you still fancy him and that he still fancies you as well. If he wants you to be friends, is just friendship all he wants? or is there a chance that he may want friendship with additional benefits (occasional nights together perhaps?) If this is likely, then I would be careful, as emotional attachment is very easy then, and it will be that much harder if he finds someone else to go back to just being friends without the occasional extra.

I don't know really - I think I could - I enjoy his company (he's fun, now we're not together!) and I could use another friend. To be honest I'd love to go out for the day with him and DS.

But, I'm aware I'm very vulnerable at the moment - self esteem v. low, so not sure I'm thinking straight.

AuntyMandy - I think I could resist having sex with him, for that reason, esp. if we were together only occassionally (he suggested once a month), during the day (no alcohol involved!) and with DS around. Not sure that being platonic guarrantees lack of emotional attachment though.

Sheila

Am sorry to say this but this relationship you had was doomed from the start. I just knew what was coming; you both jumped in without looking ahead. Intense highs and lows along with nothing in common as people make for a volatile relationship and that is exactly what you've had. Perhaps you fell for him too quickly out of loneliness and neediness - a need to feel loved by someone else no matter how unsuitable.

I think you need to work on yourself to establish the root causes of your low self esteem because there are certainly causes for same. I feel that if you work on yourself first (you may want to consider speaking to a counsellor to tackle your low self esteem issues) then the rest will follow.

Love yourself for a change!. Would strongly suggest you keep your distance and have no further involvement with him. Being friends with the ex rarely if ever works. Ex's are ex's often for good reason.

also, think how this would affect DS.

No, no no Sheila!.

It will not do you DS any good to be with a man that you have nothing in common with even if its once a month. I would cut all contact with him.

Work on your own self and heal yourself emotionally.

Stern advice MKU, but probably very wise. I know I'm at rock bottom at the moment and not in a fit state to look after myself very well.

My dad died around the time I got together with XDP (earle Sep last year) and I think this was one of the reasons why. Alarm bells were ringing and I ignored them.

My vote would be 'no.' That 'let's just be friends' crap is a way for them to keep their options open.

Another no. It sounds like he is being decent about the break-up but for your own sanity & well being I would politely decline his offer of days out. You are only pro-longing the agony of the split.

Sheila

First off I am very sorry to read of your Dad's passing. This was undoubtedly a very difficult time for you.

Have you thought about contacting CRUSE?. This is an organisation that help people with bereavement. It may be worth your while contacting them.

If you're at rock bottom then the only way from here is up. I would urge you to seek counselling of some sort to help you through your thoughts and picking yourself back up.

You need to heal yourself and love yourself fully before you can love another.

Have to agree with these comments. XDP and I met on Monday because I wanted to understand/make sense of why we split up. My aim was to try to get some peace of mind but it backfired. He obliged me by telling me all the things that were wrong from his point of view - felt like being chucked all over again! But I did ask for it! So it's obvious I don't know what's good for me.

Not sure about the counselling thing MKU - I've tried that (Relate and Group analytic therapy) and although it can get you through a rough patch I'm not sure it does much good in the long term. May try CRUSE tho' to talk through feelings about Dad. Have you had any luck yourself with this? I'd be interested to hear about it.

Thanks very much for all commments - much appreciated.