he sayes he's not in love with me anymore.

[JjandtheBean]

Been together nearly 7yrs, have a 4 and 3yo ds and dd.

Had ups and downs but we've always remained quite solid, a team.

This week we've barely spoke and became distant, I knew, I knew what was coming.

And I asked him, he's Not in love with me, says he loves me, cares for me, wants me, still fancies me etc but isn't in love.

I've felt like this before, but I had PND and was numb to everyone iyswim? And I didn't tell him. I worked through it.

He said he desperately wants it back its hurting him, but I feel so numb, so raw, so angry. I got extremely upset and then angry and said stupid things like if he wrecked our family he'd never see the children again [twat] then cried more, he's said sorry too many times.

But I just feel like I can't trust him, 5wks ago today I was in hospital having an op following a missed miscariage, and he was so kind and gentle and caring and said how much he loved me, was that a lie?

Should I trust him and work through this or should I rip off the plaster quickly so to speak, because I'm going to be walking on eggshells now. He doesn't want me to take my engagement ring off he said he still wants to be with me forever.

I love him so much, I love our family so much, he's my best friend.

I just don't understand all the mixed messages.

None of that makes sense. Shit.

Jj....so sorry for you miscarriage...this is the last thing you need.
It does sound like your DP is confused-hence the mixed signals. May be he is struggling to get his head around everything that has recently happened? Could he be depressed?
Would you both consider couples counselling? Hopefully someone more knowledgable than myself will be along very soon.

I'm afraid the most likely reason for this is that there is another woman in the picture. I'm sure he will hotly deny that, but it is the most common cause of this statement coming out of a man's mouth.

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, it's possible that an affair of some kind has caused him to question whether it is possible to feel something for someone else and still love his partner - and he's questioning that and coming up with the wrong answers.

5 weeks ago he probably hadn't actually done anything yet and so the love you felt was I'm quite sure, very real. Something's happened since then though - something he's allowed to happen. You will only be able to work this through once you know what that is. He is unlikely to give that up to you if you ask, so I'd suggest you do some detective work of your own, even if that feels horrible. Sometimes, when all the secrets are discovered, it bursts the fantasy and
you can move on from there. Right now, you're in no-man's land and you need to find out the truth and take back some control of a situation that was not of your making.

It does make sense.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and so sorry for your lost pregnancy.

I don't understand the mixed messages your husband is giving you either. My sense is that this is such an emotionally raw time for you, that this may just be too much to deal with at the moment - you still have a miscarriage to process.

What kind of RL support do you have? Could you sign up for some individual counselling, to have some help with your grief and with unravelling all the heightened emotions in your life right now?

Wow! I was thinking there must be another woman, until he said he wants to stay with you.

I think the whole "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" chat pretty chilling.

Is he willing to go to counselling? That may be worth considering, as there may be issues, that he's been bottling, and afraid of expressing, but he could discuss in front of a counsellor, in a non-judgemental way.

It is also worth pondering whether he's depressed, or has something happened at work?

How old is he? Could he be having a midlife crisis (not that helps you, but it may indicate whether it's worth trying to make it work or not).

I wonder if there is another woman - not necessarily an affair, or even the desire for one, but maybe someone has caught his attention, he's developed feelings for them, and this has confused him - which doesn't bode well, unless you want a polyamorous relationship.

I would ask him to leave, or even to sleep on the sofa for now. Tell him you need breathing space, that the bombshell that he's not in love with you, means you need to take stock and assess your situation.

Ask him about counselling (if he's resistant then it isn't worth trying to prolong anything).

I'm not sure that I would want to live my life with a man who loves me, but isn't in love with me - that's essential.

Of course it could be a coward's way out - although he's crying (guilt, but also he still cares for you) - and he's hoping that you will end it, leaving him free to do what he wants

Well 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' always often means 'I want you to carry on cooking, cleaning and raising my children for me but I also want to have or seek sex with other women without having to lose my home comforts.'
THough it is possible that in this case your H is more upset about the MC than he feels able to admit, and this is how it's coming out.
THe best thing to do is set a time limit (in your own head, for the moment) after which your H must either commit to staying with you or move out; what you really need to avoid is a situation where he keeps you dangling (and cooking, and cleaning, and frantically offering sex as often as possible) and you make every effort to please him so he won't leave and he laps all this up, doing the odd wistful look and heavy sigh every time the standard of service drops.

maybe he is finding the miscarriage and PND issues a very difficult burden to carry on top of working full time and trying to be your rock

all of us cant cope at one stage or another and we lose our way with regard to our feelings. Keep talking and communication lines open.

Were 23 and 25, I can 100% tell you there is NO other women. He is signed off work with severe hip/knee pain and I'm with him every moment of the day literally, have been for the past year due to homelessness and various other problems.

He also has no mobile phone credit and we don't own a computer, all internet is via my phone, there is absolutely no way anything like that could be happening.

OK, so he's not cheating then.

I'm not sure I'm in love with my DH. I do love him.

We have had difficulties for a long time, but since I lost our baby at 37 weeks, 2 1/2 months ago, I've been questioning my feelings for him.

In my case it almost certainly made worse by grief, and depression

I suggested seeing relate and he was more than happy to do that, he really does want to work through this, I know I don't know him 100% but I'm pretty sure I can believe him.

I already see a councillor as I had a breakdown following loosing our home, and the death of my grandma and brother.

I know I've changed a lot, we both have but were always so close.

He's said its hurting him because he wants everything to be normal.

OK, so the bright side is that you do have emotional support (your counsellor), and your husband is willing to go to joint counselling.

Keep at it: individual and joint counselling should eventually bring clarity on how you each want to proceed.

And be kind to yourself: you have been through a lot.

Given your recent miscarriage, can I ask if anyone has been giving him some love and sympathy? I know that during a miscarriage a lot of attention is, quite rightly, focused on the woman, but men go through a lot of grief too and often get forgotten about. It may be that he doesn't know how to deal with it, is perhaps afraid of getting you pregnant again in case you have to go through the pain of a miscarriage again?

It may be that you are 'settling down' together. There comes a time when the fireworks are a little less spectacular than the early days, when you're not shagging each other whenever you get a spare 5 minutes. Some people don't understand that will happen, and you settle down to being a loving couple, rather than an 'in love' couple'.

It's hard when money is tight to try and get the romance back, but you do really need to spend some time together, maybe have a 'date night' if you can get someone to babysit for you and just spend time being a couple.

It doesn't sound to me like there is another woman, it sounds to me like he either is suffering and you need to support each other, or he is having a wibble which will right itself in a couple of weeks.

world his family are at best useless and neither of us really have friends, we are just us. The pregnancy wasn't planned and caused some tension but we worked through which we are very good at we talk a lot and I think support each other very well, we were very excited, I was 13wks when we found out so wed had 9 weeks of planning, you've made a very good point, I've never asked him once if he's ok, I just assumed since he wasn't over joyed to begin with that perhaps he was a little relieved so darent ask him.

I also think you point about settling down is relevant, whilst we were homeless we 'regressed' a lot so to speak, mum had our dcs a lot as they hardly slept there (no where for us to sleep at hers) and we had other young friends and acted like teenagers.

I just don't know what to think because for me if I felt everything he does just without the in love I'd be ok, because for me anyway I'm not in love all day everyday it comes in waves, ill have moments of clarity where I look at him and get butterflys and weeks/months were its just comfortable love care and nothing like fireworks, iyswim.

When I say 'slept there' I mean our bnb temp accomadation.

The exact same thing happened to me ten years ago and there wasn't another woman involved at all. He had just fallen out of love with me.

Unfortunately, it happens all the time and it sounds like it's causing him as much hurt as it is you.

Hearing those words was just terrible but I knew there was nothing I could do to make him love me again although I'm not saying for one minute that is what is going to happen in your case.

Thankfully we didn't have any kids so the separation, although heartbreaking was easy enough (although not so easy when it came to dividing our possessions and property).

My ex DP was a fantastist and as soon as the sex slowed down and the humdrum routine of life got underway he fell out of love with me. He was always saying he didn't know what he wanted out of life and he could see himself in his old age, on his own and lonely because of it.

My advice, for what it's worth would be to back off as much as you can. I know the temptation is to want your questions answered and to see what your future is but a little space is maybe what is required here. Easier said than done I know.

A slice of Modern Britain in this thread.

Agree that it sounds like there are more problems than just this, but having read your OP and subsequent contributions, did he actually say he still fancied you? If so, I'm struggling to think what he means by 'in love'? Usually, people in long-term relationships attribute this term to still feeling lustful about their specific partner. What is he expecting to feel that he isn't?

Do you really spend 24 hours a day together, 7 days a week? No separate hobbies, no time spent with family members (yours or his) on his own without the kids? I often see posts from women on this site, claiming that there are no opportunities for other friendships and it always seems to emerge that there were in fact, plenty - but they've been discounted.

I agree he might be feeling the loss of your baby and it's a mistake to think that men don't suffer bereavement feelings, but I doubt that this is the reason behind what he's said to you, somehow.

I suppose it's possible that he's feeling suffocated if you spend as much time together as you describe, with no outside friends or interests, but I still think it's odd that this distance and loss of feeling (whatever he means) is so sudden - and without an obvious catalyst.

Charbon yes, he did, he still fancies me, still wants me, still needs to be close to me, loves and cares for me. This is why I'm so confused, because for me that is the package and the overwhelming 'in love' isn't a constant feeling its moments, we have a couple we are good friends with we visit together, the men have a drink and a chat and me and my friend, we visit my family a lot, his are 110miles away and cause him a lot of stress, I often ask him if he wants to go out without me, but neither of us want to, were happy just being us, again why I'm confused. He had the opportunity to go out alone and asked me to go too.

When you were in hospital, was he at home all the time caring for his kids on his own? Has he been leaning on any SILs/female friends for support, to your knowledge? And are your nights out with this other couple really as old-fashioned as that, with the men drinking and chatting, completely separately to you and the other woman? I can understand you feeling defensive about this, but the lifestyle you're depicting sounds very unusual and suffocating. I wonder whether it really is like that, or whether in your attempts to deflect any curiosity about there being an alternative sexual interest, you're making it sound that way?

What does 'in love' mean? What does he think it is? Has he explained?

Often people think that they are no longer 'in love' when that first flush has faded and they are settled into a more realistic and sustainable relationship.

Perhaps sit down and ask him to define what 'in love' actually IS

Hmm. It could be that what he feels is suffocation and boredom with his life in general, and TBH I'm amazed you don't feel the same way. It seems a very claustrophobic, narrow way to live; no work, no friends, in each other's company constantly... It sounds like you could both do with some hobbies etc.

I don't think there's anyone else but I do think your lives have probably slipped in to just surviving every day and its a grind. He wants to be with you, but not the life you're living at the moment.

Almost like he's saying "I love you, but there's no spark any more". I think you need to start looking outside of your current situation and both find ways of making new friends and doing new activities. Sign up to evening classes - they are often free if you are on a low income - learn a language, decorate cakes, but both of you need to get out of your rut and start living life a bit more.