Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Differences of opinion between mine and dh's parenting

45 replies

Whatamithinking · 15/01/2012 22:39

Not really sure where to start, we have 2 perfect children and my dh works hard Full time and i work part time so am here with the children the most, and i'm sure he loves us but he is so critical and hard to please.

We've always had disagreements about our parenting methods. He believes i'm too soft (i dont think i am, i just pick my battles with the kids but believe i'm consistent and firm) he is much stricter with them. Wont tolerate a lot of things ie toys left on the floor, any kind of whinging (even if tired/under the weather), flitting between activities, not letting him speak etc. He really nit-picks at them (imo) which leads to a bad atmosphere when he's about and everyone on edge really. Dont get me wrong we have happy times too when the kids (who are 2 and 5 btw) 'behave' but most days lead to stress.

I'm not an overly confident person at all and watch and read a lot, on mumsnet, tv, books etc about how to be a better parent etc which husband doesnt like one bit. He firmly believes that us, and only us, should be bringing up our kids and we dont need any outside help or opinion on our kids, if i suggest a different way of doing things, he asks where i've got this hippy mumbo jumbo from! ie, tonight i'd been reading an email from a parenting course that said about recognising kind helpful behaviour, he read this over my shoulder and basically said how ridiculous it is and kids will become too needy if their every move is praised and he doesnt need any help and will learn from his own mistakes! This ended in a big argument as i'm geniunely just trying to do the best for my kids and want them to be as happy as possible.

How can i reason with him and make him realise that his negative behaviour changes the mood in the house? He refuses to discuss it properly and thinks i'm attacking him and saying he's no good if i mention anything. Its driving me mad, i feel like i cant say anything at risk of upsetting him and causing an argument. He used to be sooooo much more laid back and easy going about ideas and life in general.

So so sorry for waffling, if you made it through all that, thank you!!

OP posts:

pictish · 15/01/2012 22:43

Gosh - he sounds a bit...err...tyranical?

I mean your kids...they're only 5 and 2, so still very little really.

Original poster

Whatamithinking · 15/01/2012 22:45

Thats my thinking too, they are still so young and learning all the time. They are good kids but not perfect (who'd want a perfect one!) how can i get dh to see how he comes across?

OP posts:

Dolcegusto · 15/01/2012 22:46

He sounds a bit like my dh. Won't let anything go, nit picks at the kids etc whereas I pick my battles and am more easy going.

I don't know the answer I'm afraid. I try not to go against him when he's telling the kids off cos I think we need to present a united front, but it's hard when I disagree with him.

pictish · 15/01/2012 22:47

I don't know - he seems pretty determined that he's got it all sewn up, doesn't he?

Is he bad tempered....a shouter? What forms of discipline does he use?

babyhammock · 15/01/2012 22:47

You sound like you're doing great and so do your kids because of you.
Is he like this controlling and manipulative in other areas of your life? I'd better my bottom dollar is probably is...
I wish i had a magic wand to make him behave more reasonably, but all I will say is keep doing what you're doing x

Original poster

Whatamithinking · 15/01/2012 22:48

Thanks dolce, we agreed a long time ago to always present a united front infront of the kids and discuss it later (when they're not around), which we do, but its so hard sometimes when i truly believe he's being overly critical etc

OP posts:

pictish · 15/01/2012 22:51

Personally, I think the 'present a united front' thing falls right on its arse when one parent is behaving like an unreasonable twat. You can't support bad behaviour.

Earthymama · 15/01/2012 22:52

If he hasn't always been like this has something other than becoming parents changed?
How was he brought up?

It's really sad that he can't enjoy his children, and needs to impose his will on them.

I am a lot stricter than many parents I meet and expect good manners and kindness to others but I have lots of fun with kids too. That's essential, it's finding the balance.

Can you have some time without the children and discuss this calmly? Walks are good for this sort of talk.

I hope you resolve this

Original poster

Whatamithinking · 15/01/2012 22:52

Thanks for all the replies. He would never hit or use force against them at all, he just picks and criticises all the time and uses the naughty step a lot (which i do, but for serious things).
He's not a bad person in any way and would never hurt us, but he just truly believes he knows best and is very critical and determined and unwilling to listen to me or any new ideas. If he saw this thread he would not be happy at all!

OP posts:

pictish · 15/01/2012 22:54

Yes...he's a tyrant. Like I said.

Original poster

Whatamithinking · 15/01/2012 22:55

Earthymama- he often says he didnt have a great childhood as his dad wasnt very supportive and interested in him at all and his parents used to argue a lot, but its almost as if he's just copying that behaviour, or could he possibly be trying soooo hard to be interested and want the best for them and want the best thats he's too forceful?

OP posts:

pictish · 15/01/2012 22:56

He also stops you from having input and expressing yourself, by chucking a mental if you dare try.
It's not very respectful of your take on things is it?

Original poster

Whatamithinking · 15/01/2012 22:56

Sorry for the longest sentence every written and my bad grammar!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Whatamithinking · 15/01/2012 22:58

No pictish, i suppose its not. Although when he's at work i just carry on regardless doing my best! Wish that carefree, laid-back atmosphere could exist when we are all together though

OP posts:

CailinDana · 15/01/2012 23:01

Maybe you could approach discussing it with him by trying to get him to imagine what it's like for the children? Maybe get him to talk about his own childhood and about how his dad made him feel - then try to relate that back to your DC? Or perhaps you could pick one incident that upset you and talk about that indepth - listen to what he has to say and the reasons he gives for being so hard on the children. It could be that he is very afraid of them turning out "bad" and so feels like he has to monitor them constantly. Or maybe he's just not used to how children that age behave and so is expecting too much from them.

I have to say I wouldn't stand for him refusing to discuss this - it's about your children's welfare and so isn't really an optional thing. To be honest if my DH started behaving like this towards my DS it would really change my feelings for him as my protective instinct would kick in and I would feel quite angry towards him. He sounds like the kind of person who just doesn't listen to anyone.

Original poster

Whatamithinking · 15/01/2012 23:03

He also gets sad and annoyed that the kids always come to me when they want something even if he is right there too, i've tried to get him to enjoy his time with them more and get more involved in the happy playing times but he can't seem to relax with them very often.
Sometimes he's the perfect dad and will play and really get involved with them but its few and far between and for short bursts.

OP posts:

pictish · 15/01/2012 23:04

I bet you do.

He sounds really arrogant and a bit of a bully if the truth be told OP. Sorry.

When you are afraid to express yourself over something as important as parenting, for fear of being shouted down, then you are being bullied.

What is he like as a husband? Supportive, kind, helpful....?

Original poster

Whatamithinking · 15/01/2012 23:06

Thanks cailindana, i do feel angry tonight and questioning how long i can put up with this. I just really really want him to relax and chill and let-up a little. I will try to pick a good moment and talk to him again, i so desperately want my children to live in a happy house

OP posts:

Original poster

Whatamithinking · 15/01/2012 23:08

He is generally supportive kind and helpful if i have a problem outside of the house ie with work or a friend etc, its just when i disagree with him that he seems to switch off and not actually listen to what i'm saying.

OP posts:

lottiegb · 15/01/2012 23:08

The bit I find really interesting is '...thinks i'm attacking him and saying he's no good if i mention anything'.

In my experience, the most self-confident, intelligent, impressive people are the ones who will listen to anyone and are perfectly happy to hear different ideas, questions, even criticisms, because they know why their ideas are good and are able to explain them. They may arrive at 'agree to disagree' but generally remain calm because they're interested in exploring ideas and have the courage to lay theirs bare.

The moment someone gets defensive, I know it's because they are not confident in their own thinking and are scared of being shown up.

CailinDana · 15/01/2012 23:10

Maybe you could ask him about the fact that he feels sad that they don't come to him and explore why he thinks that is. Do you think he would respond to the idea of you being the disciplinarian? I know it's not much fun for you but you seem to have things well under control so I'm sure you could manage it. That might free your DH up to just enjoy the children without feeling under pressure to discipline them. I know some adults are quite afraid of children, strange as that sounds. They genuinely think that if they give children any leeway at all they will run riot, and so they jump of every little thing they do. I know teachers like this - it leads to absolute disaster. Children need a bit of space and flexibility and some acknowledgement that they're little and won't always get things right. Your DH needs to learn that or your children will continue to avoid him :(

pictish · 15/01/2012 23:15

I agree. If he constantly nitpicks, critsises and bitches at them, they will just learn to avoid him.
He's shooting himself in the foot.
An effective disciplinarian knows how to pick their battles.

Original poster

Whatamithinking · 15/01/2012 23:21

I think he does feel like if he gives any kind of leeway on thinks they will run riot!i'm not sure he'd trust me to be the disciplinarian though as he's always believed that i'm too soft on them.

OP posts:

Original poster

Whatamithinking · 15/01/2012 23:24

I will talk to him though about how i could may be help him to get the kids to come to him more etc, do you think that would work? Then it would show i'm willing to help and go by his rules then maybe we can compromise once he believes i'm on his side rather than against him? (which i think he truly feels at the mo)

OP posts:

CailinDana · 15/01/2012 23:34

It's worth a try I suppose. Perhaps you could reassure him that little lapses in behaviour - being too loud, leaving toys about the place, really isn't that bad? Is he a stickler for routine and cleanliness?

Flip

1 2