need advice re exh and dc

[notaporkiepie]

So ex and i split in Oct 2010, because of his affair. Of course, it is all my fault in his opinion, and this i can cope with. What i can't stand is that when DC's visit him, he rants at them about all of his perceptions of my wrong-doing, and expects them to agree with him. If they don't agree, then he gets angry with them and in my oldest DC's words "smacks them on the bottom". They are 13 and 10 btw.

Exh is onto his 3rd OW since i chucked him out, met her in May, and is apparently the father (biologically) of her 4th child, despite the fact this child was born at 30 weeks in September! He and she spend time bitching about me in front of the DC, which the DC hate, but are afraid to say anything for fear of retribution. When the DC returned home last time, the oldest said to me that they agreed with father because it was easier, but hated the person they was when he visited, and got quite tearful about it. I asked what DC wanted to do, and they said I don't know. I said i could speak to DF about it, but DC didn't want me to, as DF would get angry with them again. I said you don't have to visit if this upsets you, and DC said no, DF will get angry with me.
I know that when the DC visit next weekend DF will be ranting again at them as he is having to deal with the family car that is in his name that I have returned to him as work have provided me a new car. This was always the agreement when he left, but i think the reality has set in and he doesn't like facing up to it. There is a balloon payment left on the car, which he could about cover if sold. However, he's not dealt with it so now stressing about it. I'm just worried about the DC visiting there next w/e because of this.

I have paid for divorce btw, will get nisi in Feb. He has not supported children since July, because he is out of work (voluntarily) and not bothering to look!
Sorry for rant, but need advice about what anyone would do?
Thanks

You need to see a solicitor asap about witholding access.

This is abuse and they should not be suffering that. Do not let them go on their next visit.

this is wrong wrong wrong and you need to stop it happening NOW.

I'm so sorry that your ExH is being such a git. That is totally unacceptable behaviour, immature, stupid and completely inconsiderate of your DCs. You know him best whether talking will do any good or just make a bad situation worse.

It's good that your DCs feel able to talk to you about this, you are doing a great job. Encourage them to be honest with their Dad about how his behaviour makes them feel, it may be hard but they are probably the only ones that he might listen too.

Definitely get legal advice about stopping contact. It sounds very stressful for your DC.

He;s hitting the DC: stop contact for that reason. 10 and 13 are old enough to have their views taken into account by a court so you will not get into trouble.

I could cope better if he would just want to spend time with the DC and enjoy his time with them. He chose to move 2 hours away, but expects DC to stop doing activities they enjoy on weekends, every third weekend, so that I fulfill his right to see them. If I change dates, which I avoid, I get accused of changing arrangements to suit myself, and am being unfair on him! The DC want to see him, but don't want him to talk to them in the way he does about me. My oldest, after long discussion, has decided to not agree with his father's rantings on the next visit. I agree with those who say the DC should not go as its abuse on DF part.

I really don't care what he and OW think about me, but I do care about the DC being subject to this. On another note, Father of the year is engaged to this OW now, booked wedding and all, but funnily enough he hasn't told his own DC, nor his family! Guess he's a bit worried about what they'll all say!

I cant get my head around why she would want to marry (and presumably eventually have children with) a man who treats his kids like this!

I really would refuse contact and see a solicitor asap.

Not sure why she'd want to marry him. I know that she believes all he's had to say about me and my failings as a wife, mother, housekeeper, general skivvy (in his esteemed opinion). And why wouldn't she believe him, she doesn't know me, nor has she spoken to anyone who really knows me. From all I know, she sounds like someone who won't argue with him, nor have her own opinions as this is another thing he didn't like about me!

Silly silly girl, she'll learn :(

What are you going to do about their next visit? If they go and someone else finds out about what he is doing then you could be held partially liable as you knew it was going and didnt stop it. SS view the parent that allows abuse to happen as being just as bad as the abuser. You need to bear that in mind.

What an awful situation for you all. I think you are being too reasonable tbh.

You know the DC are getting upset and they are being subjected to abuse. I think they might appreciate you sticking up for them and making the decision for them. And stopping contact. Tell him he can write them letters and call when he likes?

The DC are unlikely to make this decision because they sounds too scared to. So although it will have repercussions, in the long run you can justify this very easily because he is being an abusive manipulative twat.

Wish you good luck

I agree with Lady that they are scared of him, too scared to say they dont want to see him. But if you say "Enoughs enough, I am not letting you go to Dads while he is treating you like this" I would bet you a weeks wages that they wont argue with you and, although they may not tell you, they will be secretly very relieved.

You're allowing your dc to be subjected to physical and emotional abuse every third weekend? What are you thinking of?!!

Your ex's relationships with OWs are immaterial as your priority should be the welfare and wellbeing of your dc.

At 13 and 10 years your dc are old enough to say whether they want to continue contact and, given that their father hits them, your 13yr old should not be placed in the onerous position of disagreeing with his father.

It seems to me that you need to reassure your dc that if they do not have to visit their father until such time as he promises not to lay a hand on them or subject them to rants about your real or perceived shortcomings.

And then make this happen by either speaking to the Headteachers of their schools, contacting the Children's Services Department of your local authority's Social Services, or by simply informing your ex that because of his behaviour you've had no choice but to suspend any further contact and if he wishes to dispute this in a Court of Law he can bring it on.

How dare he treat his dc in this manner! It's shameful and shocking.

Ive just had a chat with oldest DC. It seems that it is just emotional not physical abuse. I didn't realise quite how badly exh was behaving with DC until my oldest opened up to me a couple of nights ago (I.e. since their last extended visit at Xmas). My priority has been and always will be the welfare of my children. I have tried hard over the last 16 months since we separated to be the bigger person, and ensure that, for the DC sake, that they maintain contact with the father.

I have just had another long discussion with 13 yo. He says he wants to see his father, but doesn't want to hear dad speak about me the way that he does. I said what do you want to do, and he says that he wants to give DF another chance this weekend, and is going to tell his father that he wants to see him, but doesn't want dad to speak about me in the way he does. I said that is fine, but if it continues after you have said that to him, I will stop further visits until DF can behave himself appropriately. What do you think? I told DS that I loved him regardless of anything he says to his father about me, and that I want him to feel able to talk to me about anything he wants.

I'm not sure you should promise your child they don't have to see their father unless they want to, as you miht not be able to keep to that.
However I would suggest that they talk to a teacher/head of year or if the school has one a counsellor about this. You could also talk to the school and see if they can get your kids help. Talking to someone outside the family will help them sort through their feelings, and will also get an independent record made of what is going on.

He is striking them - they are unhappy being there and yes, it is indeed abusive. Sorry that you are going through this....I hope it gets fixed soon...

I am pretty sure that a 13-year-old cannot be made to see his father against his wishes: as mummytime says, get it on record that this man is abusing his DC emotionally if not physically (if he's threatening to hit them that's still bad).

I asked what DC wanted to do, and they said I don't know. I said i could speak to DF about it, but DC didn't want me to, as DF would get angry with them again. I said you don't have to visit if this upsets you, and DC said no, DF will get angry with me

That sounds as though maybe they want you to make the final decision as they are scared of how he will react to them saying they dont want to see them.

You said that he smacks them to make them agree with what he is saying?

That is abuse

The slating of you and making them verbally agree

is also abuse

No way on earth would I send my children to be abused like that.

I agree that you should seek legal advice and stop contact.

Go and get some legal advice about this, but the golden rule in family law is to observe the children's rights to see a parent, not the parents' rights to see their children.

It's a big ask of a 13-year old to stand up to an abusive father and there could be some emotional fall-out for him because what he has to say won't go down well with a bully like this and there could be a punishment of some sort meted out. At the very least if he gets angry with your son, your boy might take it out on you afterwards.

Establish whether your children can vote with their feet (at this age I'm pretty sure they can) and then tell them they have that right. They mightn't realise they even have the right to say they don't want to visit.

As much as you can though, try to take the burden of confrontation with their father away from them; it's too heavy to handle at their age.

Hi Notaporkpie, I had a similar situation with my dd and exh.

Ex lives abroad so the contact order stated weekly phone calls and also contact when he was in the uk. He was constantly asking her questions calling me all manner of nasty things. DD didn't tell me much of it really but I know she was scared of him anyway following an awful xmas day when she was with him for a few hours and he spent the time slagging me off to his eldest daughter within earshot of dd (12 at the time) she started refusing to have any more phone contact with him, or when I managed to persuade her to she would hang up on him by 'accident'.

Because of this he was threatening me yet again with court, getting me locked up and all manner of other stuff.

I contacted my solicitor who told me to stop his phone contact if that is what dd wished as she was old enough (13 by then) to decide for herself.

She is a much happier centred girl now and contacts her father very occasionally via facebook but always on her terms now.

I would stop all contact for now and see a solicitor, this man is damaging your children and you need to nip it in the bud.