I have name changed, but there is someone that may recognise this, so please don't out me if you do.
I have DC with an XP who was violent, and would regularly rape me, after we split I struggled to even see anyone 'sexually', couldn't get aroused and the thought of being intimate scared the absolute shite out of me.
About a year after our split I met an amazing man, who was patient and caring and eventually we became intimate and although he was a selfish lover, we did this regularly and i lost the inhibitions I'd developed.
a year or so later we split because I was horrible to him, ashamedly I had treated him awfully and he left.
Not long after we split up I let a man that I had kept in touch with for many years come to my house, he had always made it clear he had a thing for me and I knew when I was waiting for him what was going to happen. It did, and even after him telling me he had a girlfriend now it continued to happen. It still does now if either of us have the urge, he is single now though.
I also started another 'casual relationship' with a friend that I saw fairly regularly, he would come around when my DC were asleep or not there, once after an alcohol fueled night we went back to mine with a couple of friends and ended up having a 4some, which marked the end of that 'relationship'
There has been a younger man too, he has been a fairly consistent feature throughout, although I don't get to see him very often, he is 8 years younger than me, but has made me feel so special.
I also got set up with a friend of a friend who I would go and see regularly, it was pure lust and we would have some of the have some of the most inhibited sex I have ever had, we have tried some things I thought I would never try with him.
I have slept with these men regularly except when I have started an actual relationship with someone new, but when I have been in an actual relationship I have again struggled to be intimate, one man I saw for 6 months and never slept with, to be honest the thought scared me and I dumped him because I could never see myself ever having a sex life with him. Another I dated for 3 months and although we did start getting intimate we never slept together because again I finished things, but looking back, the reason I dumped him was silly and I wonder if it was the fear that sex was on the cards and I was just making excuses.
It's almost as if, when I see someone worthy of being in a relationship with I want to wait and for it to be special, but the wait makes me too anxious to actually carry out the act, but if I don't see someone suitable for a relationship, I am capable of having casual sex with them.
I keep telling myself that I'm not going to sleep with these 'friends with benefits' but every month when I get to a certain time (usually mid cycle) I find myself in a situation where I seem to be incapable of resisting and end up calling one or more to meet up. I also do this when I am feeling a bit low and need to feel good.
I know having this casual sex is destroying my chances of actually being able to have a real relationship because I know that I am using this sex in a damaging way.
I think I need to seek help, I am in danger right of doing it again, I have been resisting the urge for a couple of days but knowing that they are just at the end of the phone and could meet up almost instantly if I wished is making it difficult.