Need to get past this...

[Smanfer71]

I am in a fab relationship with a lovely man, so why am I hankering over the old and emotionally abusive relationship I was in for so long with the father of my child?

I feel guilty that I ended it, that my daughter's parents live apart (which upset her - she's 5), and that I have upset so many people's lives, just to make my life better.

We split up 16 months ago, so why do I still have these feelings?

Because you hanker after an idealised fantasy of family life? Just a thought.

Because he had you well-trained? I'm not sure that's the best way of putting it, but these guys do have a mental vice grip. Bit like Stockholm Syndrome, perhaps?

Maybe you need to do some (more?) counselling to thresh it out.

Your dd will benefit from your strength in leaving him in the long run - after all, you can now show her what a good relationship should be. You wouldn't want her choosing a partner like her father in the future because she grew up seeing that as normal, would you?

abusive relationships have a very strong addictive element. Normal, functioning relationships can seem dull in comparison. Definitely get into some therapy to pick apart the elements you still find attractive.

guilt is also very common when the victim takes steps to protect themselves (ourselves). We were so well trained, see. If only we could've bourne all that abuse eh, everyone would be happy (and anyway, we probably made too much fuss at the time and it wasn't as bad as all that).

Thank you both, all are valid points. I haven't had any counselling since our separation so maybe that's the way forward.

The feelings are not there all the time, but when they do surface they get me down.

Thank you too springydaffs. I tend to gloss over the bad bits and, like you say, make myself believe they actually weren't that bad and it is my fault it all went wrong ...

Classic post-abuse feelings. Have you done the Freedom Programme? Do, it is excellent.

I split from my ex when ds was 5. I met my now dh who was lovely. I was convinced that I wasn't worthy of someone like him. He was too good to be true. So I provoked him. I deliberately upset him to see how he would react. I was horrible to him yet he never raised his voice to me, let alone his hand. I realised how fucked up I was and I went to my GP who recommended counselling.
Not saying you are the same as I was but it helped me work through a lot. I think I felt I'd 'deserved' that relationship and treatment. So glad I got past that!

Thanks again, everyone. I am not sure Counselling is for me. I have this week bought a book on my Kindle and having read lots of stuff online, I can so see how exH was abusive, verbally and emotionally.

So, if I know this, why do I still have the fear and the guilt? I want to be able to just flick a switch and turn off those feelings and be happy with my lovely partner.

We are moving in together next week into a new house, so I guess these feelings are coming to the front now as my life is changing (for the better). However, as good and excited as I am, it feels like I am doing wrong by exH. Even dismantling an old bookcase yesterday, I was sorely tempted to email him and ask him if he wanted it - ie to check that it was OK to bin it. I just want to get rid of this hold he has, which he has no right to! He probably doesn't even know he was abusive towards me...

why do I still have the fear and the guilt?

Counselling will help you find your answer to this, and overcome those feelings.

You still feel like that because he spent a long time conditioning you to feel that way. You don't notice it at the time as it's subtle and incremental. I didn't think counselling would be good for me either. I 'fell' into it because I suffered 4 significant bereavements in 11 months. It opened up other areas and helped me understand and break down what had happened. I started looking at things differently and eventually my feelings and thoughts made sense. It enabled me to put it away, if you like. It was very freeing!

What, you won't even consider counselling? I think you're mad not to tbh but there we go - I tend to think there are some things that you can't get at any other way. We are masters at stuffing painful things into our heads and expecting to sort it out that way, as if information is the key to unlock whatever isn't functioning properly. Information/knowledge is, well, awesome and vital and all those things but often you need a therapist to bring to the light what's staring us in the face, only we can't see it.

I know what you mean about feeling bound to him - I am like this about my family. I've been going through vile vile vile paperwork today and it felt as though my toxic family were literally in the room with me. Then I realised: shame time. Anything to do with anything shameful (or that I could feel shame about) and my family are practically flesh and blood at my side. It's quite a good barometer in a way...

The other thing my family did (and do, only I'm not there to receive it) is act as though I am their property, that I belong to them; obligated, indebted somehow. YOu may recognise that.

Maybe you're afraid of opening a whole can of worms by entering counselling, and sometimes it does make things worse for a while when you drag the past into the light. But otherwise it can fester and influence your behaviour in relationships in ways you don't necessarily realise until it's too late.

If you want to preserve a good relationship with your current man, you really need to let go of these feelings you have towards your ex.