I need to talk to DH but I'm scared to, he might leave me

[eleanorsmum]

Feeling rubbish, things been not quite right for a while and I've realised I'm scared to talk to him in case he blows up and leaves me. We've two lovely girls 7 and 2. My mum was single mum when i was very little and I know how hard life was then. I guess I'm insecure about alot of things.
He's lovely but only when it suits him. Never asks if I'm OK or had a good night etc. I've leanrt that if I need soemthing doing to ask then not remind cos he'll do it wheh he's ready, eventully, maybe. He never plays with the girls, always on bloody PC gaming tanks online. I think he's a bit slefish I guess.
If I do confornt him he always has an answer for it, makes me feel liek theres not point asking cos it'll be my fault anyway.
I feel like writing to him so he has to read it all before he has time to respond but thats seem wrong for a marriage.
Not sure why i'm posting this guess I'm scared and not sure how to deal with this.

Gosh EM, why would you be scared he'll leave you? It sounds horrible and as though you do everything now anyway and that your DCs wouldn't notice?

Seriously, when everything's your fault and you are not treated as an equal in the relationship your self-confidence and self-esteem get really ground down. You have to have olympic level assertiveness skills to withstand that.

If he did leave do you know how you would manage financially? That might be worth finding out (book an appt with CAB for advice) so that you don't feel it's hanging over you.

"scared to talk to him in case he blows up and leaves me". What an awful sentence that is. He is supposed to be your friend, support, partner and you can't talk to him and be honest in case he leaves you? I had one like this, for years I made excuses not to confront him because it never ended well and I was scared we would split. In the the end it exploded and we are getting divorced. My only regret? That I wasted all that time, a whole DECADE of my one life on him and feeling that way. It's no life it really isn't.

There are good times but they are getting less. I dont want to be on my own but do oftne think about how much easier life would be if I was! I guess talking to CAB would give me an idea of finances but I really dont want to mess up the kids. Thats sounds like I'm staying for the sake iof the kids doesn't it but they dont get much out of him anyyway.
Feel now like I've opened a giant can of worms, am going to have to face up to this all or shut it away again and let it eat me up inside. Wish I had someone I could talk to properly. wish it was him.

He's got you where he wants you in that hole already if you're worried about him leaving you. What is there to love or even like about this particular self entitled manchild exactly?.

Life as a single parent is hard but at least without him around day to day you would not be walking on eggshells i.e living in fear of his next outburst or he demaning your very existance.

You cannot talk to him nor should you want to actually. You need outside support. I would be talking to someone like Womens Aid to begin with as they could clarify your thoughts further.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Your children are picking up on all the unspoken stuff between their parents; both of you are teaching them damaging lessons currently. Is this the relationship model you want them to follow as adults; be strong for them and seek support from the above source to begin with. This is no life for you or your children; you do not ever want them asking you as adults why you put him before them if you were so unhappy in the marriage. Staying for the children in such circs rarely if ever works out well and could also give them as adults further problems with regards to their own relationships. That is not a legacy you want to leave them.

You have a choice re this man; your children do not.

op, I could have written this a few years ago, I was never brave enough to talk to him, I even wrote him a letter like you want to. that was thrown back at me. he left us in the end three years ago. it's far from easy but Both me and our ds's happier. I'm not totally free of him yet, I still get the abusive texts and calls but now I can just turn phone off.

does anyone in real life know how you feel ? I never dared tell anyone how unhappy I was. now I have two friends that know what happened. I've never told my parents what used to go on either.

I think you should ask yourself why would get worse if he did leave you?

he's not really invigorating your life is he?

a realtionship needs to air issues out occasionally if you feel you can;t becasue he'll leave, then i suspects it been over for quite sometime.

It sounds horrible and possibly emotionally abusive, if you're scared to talk to him about how things are.

Life shouldn't be like this.

Can you talk to friends - get your parents, siblings opinions on whether he is depressed and there is hope he may change or whether he is always going to be selfish, disinterested in you and DCs and more interested in gaming than being a partner and husband?
Was your DH like this before the kids came along? Maybe he feels sidelined by you all being so close, my DH went through this but now our DCs are older and we all have more time for him, he's much chirpier and more involved.
I'd try to get him off the gaming and doing things with you and your DDs if you can - get them to ask him to read bedtime stories with them for example.
If you are thinking about confronting him, try role playing it in your head first and be aware of anything that sounds overly critical. Instead of saying 'I wish you'd ask how I am feeling sometimes', maybe ask how his day was, then jokingly say 'I had a great day thanks!' (or however it was). It sounds gentler as a hint and next time he might ask first.
Marriages are hard work sometimes, only you know whether he's worth the effort.
Don't be afraid of him leaving you - it could be for the best if that's what happens. But speaking from experience accusations and criticism can push someone away whereas kindness can bring them closer.