No tangible relationship since having baby....this isn't normal isn't it.

[emptygirl]

Hi
If the following described your relationship would you consider leaving or stay for the sake of your dd

1. Not had sex/anything intimate since baby was conceived in March 2010 (ie, nearly 2 years). My dp has not even mentioned it once. It has taken me to bring it up, many times, to no avail. 3 months after having our dd I asked him when he thought we might do it again - his reply "when we have another baby".

1. Haven't shared a bed for over a year (except when visiting parents on two occasions).

1. He works very hard all of the time, we have no life together (social life or just going out with dd or alone).

He says he loves me (and although hasn't mentioned sex at all, does give me hugs in the kitchen but nothing at all intimate)...I give him no affection either anymore.....but I think after all of the above we are now just friends. I simply cannot imagine a sexual intimate relationship with him (it wasn't great before, he appears to have little interest).

He is a good, decent, kind, hardworking man....but you just can't have a relationship with no intimacy or physical relationship can you? That is just a friendship. I know this in my heart of hearts but I can't bear the idea of going it alone,dd not having a normal family unit, breaking his heart by going with her, I am a stay at home Mum, our house is his place etc. I want dd to have a two parent family, a happy home etc....but I know it's not going to happen.

We have discussed things over the last year and he has tried hard to help me out more, spend more time with dd at weekend instead of working all weekend.....however, there is one thing that hasn't changed - SEX. Is it normal for men to not want it at all? I've already really fullfilling sexual relationships before him. I miss that side of me. It's like I've surpressed part of me. It makes me very sad.

What a mess :(

I don't know the answer for you, but you're not alone. DH and I have sex on average once every six months. He also won't discuss it. I don't know what to do. He's such a great father and in every other way a good husband. We make a good team, but I also don't know if I can do this for the rest of my life. I'm nearly 40, the prospect of no sex again ever isn't something I'm really prepared to accept. But like you, I don't want to break up our family.
I hope you get some good responses to your enquiry.

Think you need a big talk about what YOU want in YOUR life... Good luck

It sounds to me like a man who has a problem seeing women as human beings ie he's got a madonna/whore issue. Now you are his wife and a mother you shouldn't have sexual desires, because those are a bit dirty.

Bear in mind that there are plenty of worse things to live with than single motherhood. ONe of them might be living with a man who refuses to see you as you and insists on keeping you in the role of 'mother-wife'.

I didn't have sex for 2 years after having the twins. It was me though rather than him. I think it was because subconsciously I was terrified of getting pregnant again.

My sex drive did come back though eventually. Do you think your husband could have similar fears?

he might well be gay, OP, but wanted children and a conventional life, especially if his religion is strict.

north - but OP says it was never good, even he did want their first child, so I stand by my suggestion.

Yes maybe LATOB - I was just thinking of the comment he made about having sex again when they wanted another child. Probably a long shot though.

My twins weren't planned so I was also worried abbout contraception failure - put me right of sex for ages. And once you've lost it, it is really hard to get it back.

I have joked with him before about him being gay.....but he has a gay brother so I think if he was gay he wouldn't need to hide it. I know in his last relationship he and his partner didn't have much sex at all for 4 years but he told me it was due to her depression. I am starting to wonder if that was a lie and actually it was his total lack of sex drive. He says he doesn't have time to think about sex (!) as he works so hard. Surely you don't choose to think about sex, it's just part of being a human being yes?

"Nosexfor me"......I'm sorry you too are in a similar position :(

"Northcountrygirl"....I expect that normally it is the woman who goes off sex after having a baby not the man.....I think that's what hurts more, that he doesn't seem remotely bothered at all by having no sex life. I read on here about people's partners feeling frustrated re lack of sex after baby, I read it in the baby books etc about how the man has to be patient and understanding regarding getting back into sex after the woman has a baby,......yet my partner hasn't mentioned it once except when he says he wants us to have another baby (which obviously isn't going to happen). Before I had a baby we had sex maybe once every 6 weeks. Again, I used to bring this up and he didn't seem bothered. I am finding myself looking at other couples in the street holding hands, wondering what it must be like to have a normal healthy intimate relationship and sometimes I find myself holding back the tears.

I just don't believe it's possible to have a successful, fulfilling relationship without intimacy. We are like flatmates....Therefore I don't know where to go from here.

Has anyone on here left their partners due to lack of intimacy etc?

"solidgoldbrass" -yes, I have noticed that he doesn't like it much when I'm sexually jokey, "coarse"....it's like I can't be saucy and cheeky anymore (that said, he never liked it much). And actually, I am saucy and cheeky and have a naughty sense of humour. It's weird to have to turn off part of your character.

Like "nosexfor me"....I'm only 37 and I can't imagine the rest of my life without a loving sexual intimate relationship.

Sex does have a lot to answer for!

I'm in the same boat but know it's because i don't fancy DH - we have little sexual chemistry and is a 'feathery toucher' which makes me squirm. However, we are a family and my kids aren't interested if we have a decent sex life or not.

It will probably come apart one day but we're all OK for now.

Maybe he's asexual?

If he is, it isn't fair of him to expect you just to put up with no sex forever, unless you ttc again.

If he's suffering erectile dysfunction, then he needs to go to the GP. If he's depressed, he needs to see his GP. If he has hang-ups because of some madonna/whore complex or similar, then counselling/sex therapy might be an option.

If he doesn't want sex because he's asexual or just low libidoed, then it needs to be discussed honestly and perhaps decide whether you could have an open relationship or to end it. He's being selfish by refusing to discuss it and expecting you to just suck it up.

He is either asexual ot gay - just because his brother came out doesn't mean that he wants to be open about it (especially if he doesn't like his brother) - and homosexuality can run in families. You don't know for sure whether he hasn't something going on wqith a colleague, as he's always at work (male I mean) it's hard to know his movements.

I am finding myself looking at other couples in the street holding hands, wondering what it must be like to have a normal healthy intimate relationship and sometimes I find myself holding back the tears.

• This is so poignant, OP :( You've reminded me of my first marriage, when I also felt like that. I once went to meet a lovely, expansive client who was so happy to see me, gave me a big hug and I collapsed in tears! (Not good for business, especially as he instantly guessed the problem.) My H did have a 'split' attitude to women. In the early years, he used to tell me I was "dirty" - in an appreciative way, but even so it made me feel a bit off. I didn't connect his behaviours with misogyny but, really, he was a woman hater of the type who "loves women" iyswim. It was a pretty poor relationship, all told; I didn't see that for myself.

Carrying on like this eats away at your soul. Eventually you start devaluing yourself and overcompensating at the same time: flirting too much, trying to bury yourself in trivial things and generally getting fucked up. There are plenty of people who can live happily in a no-sex or low-sex marriage but it doesn't sound as though you're one of them.

You might find it helpful to keep posting to your thread. I feel you're on the verge of finding out a few things about yourself (and perhaps your husband.)
Meanwhile - hug yourself and have massages! Sensory deprivation is very bad for a person. All the best.

Ah, "garlicfrother" thank you for that. You are so right, sensory deprivation is very bad for a person. I recently had my haircut and before hand they gave me a 5 minute head massage and it was like OH MY GOD, I'm being touched in a sensual way (although obviously it wasn't for the hairdresser doing it!)...but you know what I mean.

My partner tries to be affectionate but I guess it feels weird to me now as it feels like are just friends. He probably thinks I've gone really cold (which is mad, as I'm actually a very affectionate huggy person).

He's def not a woman hater...he just seems rather asexual to me. He seems like the classic bloke who reveres his mother, would never ever dream of upsetting her or saying what he thinks etc....would never ever disappoint her....I think he sees woman as being pure and innocent etc and not sexual.

I do find it odd that people can live happily in a no-sex marriage....then again, if you are being intimate in other ways such as cuddling in bed, lots of hugs and kisses and you both have low sex drives then I can see how it works.

However, we have not slept in the same bed let alone cuddled in bed for over a year. TO be honest, we never really did do that thing where you lie in bed cuddling up, just chatting etc.......

I think he finds talking about sex impossible. And the crazy thing is, there have been times in the last year when I've actually found myself saying "we never "you know", do it anymore".....like he's made me feel awkward about saying the word sex. Ridiculous when I'm so open about talking about sex.

Anyway. Thanks for your words everyone and if anyone else is the same boat as me, then I do feel for you. x

"Altshiftdelete" - does it not bother that you don't have sex? Not with him, as you obviously don't fancy him (and like you, I don't fancy my partner anymore, I look at him and think yes, then I remember that actually what's the point in trying to do it when it's rubbish as he's sexually unconfident).........I get what you are saying about your kids aren't bothered re your sex life and it doesn't affect them.....do you have an intimate relationship in any other way? Do you cuddle on the sofa, in bed or whatever?

Me and my dp have nothing now that makes us seem like a couple to me, except we have a baby together.