Warning against seeking relationship counselling in cases of verbal abuse

[Theagreement]

I thought I'd put this message out and see if other people have similar experiences?

See my thread here but in summary:

*I sought relationship counselling hoping it might help despite evidence in this area saying it wouldn't

*P denied my version of events re. incidences and the counsellor then accused me of overreacting

*She (the counsellor) said I should manage the incidences and it was my responsibility to difuse them by calmly stating in one sentence that I felt upset

*She belitted me when I tried to assert myself in the face of all of this

*In a moment of clarity I realised no grown aduld needed to put up with this from a stranger, and I left (upset).

*SInce then, P used thie event as further evidence of my 'mental problems'. The situation was bad so I was given space in a refuge. Before it came to that he agreed to move out.

*The next day he came to pack and said I needed psychiactric help and he would seek custody of our small baby, the police eventually had to intervene.

I know me and our baby will be ok, but it makes me think how harmful this could be in many situations...

Oh my God how awful!!!

I am sorry to say tho, that imo, many agencies are patriarchal still. And then the men use that as evidence!!!

The only silver lining I can profer is this - 'What is hidden in winter shall become manifest in the summer.'

Never fails. Watch and wait. ;)

It is very rare for a court to take away residency of a chid from the mother, and as you are ready,willing and able to look after your baby my solicitor told me this will not happen. They just do not do it. If you feel you may have post natal depression, do get help, because courts look on this favourably- you are doing something about it rather than those who arent. You of course will be okay and sometimes ounselling is more damaging than helpful. x

I know I don't have PND, fortunately. DD sleeps great, work going well, am pretty happy apart from the verbal abuse aspect of my relationship (which, if I am honest, crept up on me since near the start of the relationship but got more frequent). PND alongside this must be horrendous.

something, your quote is lovely and exactly my way of thinking. In fact, that thought is what is getting me through this!

There is absolutely no need to worry about losing your baby. My solicitor reckons my ex will only get a couple of hours once a fortnight at the contact centre. x

Awful. Your counsellor was crap.

Take care Ellen and thank you. Logically, I know I won't but hearing any threat of that makes me feel sick in that moment.

Am sure something's quote above can be applied to your situation too. x

I am sadly very experienced in this field and have seen it time and time again. very depressing. BUT no matter how many professionals believe the lies that abusive men tell, little things start to add up. At that point I often speak to the professional and make them aware that they have been used. I call it 'abuse of agencies.' You can see it with men engaging Missing Persons, the Police, CAFCASS and so on.

You are WELL off out of it. Well done you.

Just popped over from the Other Place to say hi.

What you have to remember Thea is that these men are experts in creating Spaghetti Head Mess which makes you into a gibbering loon unable to explain yourself sobbing and sometimes violent. Strangely if you keep away from him and avoid engaging you will be a sane intelligent rational person. But prolonged exposure will turn you back into the SHM.

It's not you it's him. Keep your distance. Politely decline any more counselling "because it isn't helping the relationship" and maybe find someone to see for yourself?

Here's strength. xxx

D'ya know what....my xh was here to see the dc for hardly any time today, before he started. And I can't even remember what it was about! Something to do with guttering?

All I remember is something that I'd said, IN PASSING. I remember what I said, but because I don't live with him anymore, I forgot to put EVERY fucking word, and each possible syntax, and semantic meaning into the very forefront of my memory, to counter ALL accusations before he rewrote the whole scenario and threw it back at me as some kind of accusation.

OH GOD HOW UTTERLY EXHAUSTING!!!!!!!!

But this is how they think! They are looking for the bit that makes THEM the VICTIM....ALL the time! It is how their brains work!

I just can't be arsed to deal with this constant rewriting of EVERY situation, and having to account for every word, the way I pronounce those words and the look on my face whilst saying those words, and having to account for every single tiny nuance and potential meaning. But then again..WHO COULD?

That's why they are SO utterly weird, and wrong, and incomprehensible to anyone who is remotely normal, including counsellors.

It's taken me two years to get to this level of understanding of what it is that is wrong with them.

At the risk of outing myself, I am thrilled that "Spaghetti Head Mess" is being used as a description still.....Thank you! :-) x

singing princess you are and always will be a star!! xxx

GLEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! XX

You must have married my ex. He did this all that. I thank god every day that I have never seen him again since the day I left.

Don't have any gems of wisdom as I've still got to come to terms with my abusive relationship - just wanted to wish you luck. You and your baby WILL be ok and things will only get better.

Singingprincess - your post made me smile as it is absolutely spot on. I can't believe I lived that headfuck every day!

To make things worse he'd then get annoyed with me for not being autonomous and for pre empting every possible analysis of what he might counter me with. Aaargh! He was/is totally nuts.

Unfortunately, a lot of abusers are very smart, and quite a lot of counsellors are, well, less smart. If they don't specialise in DV or abuse, or are new on the job and still think that DV only consists of the working classes duffing each other up on a Saturday night, then a clever emotional abuser is going to make mincemeat of them. Which is why couple counselling only really stands a chance of working if both partners are basically decent people who have reached a stalemate.

Agency abuse .... it's apt. It's good. I like it. No, I don't like it, but I do like it.

Singingprincess. Wow. The effect is just simply horrific for whoever is on the receiving end of such mental torture. Hope you are okay!

Also in my session, an incident where p called me a c**the came up, he complained that he apologised but I was still upset by it. The counsellor more or less forced me to accept his apology and get over it! The thing is, he apologised but said I deserved to be called it, called me it and similar names since then and only i can decide when I'm no longer upset by anything!

Difference is, that all the reading, and talking and learning, and MY therapy, means that I SPOT IT...INSTANTLY!

And rather than question MY sanity, I point out that he cannot live with me or my children because he indulges in this insane nonsense. He IS in therapy, but as the sw pointed out...this could take years and years to unravel, if ever.

Not my problem, and I absolutely refuse to allow it to be my dc's problem either.

Fucking hell! I rather like me these days!

I read my posts and can't quite believe it sometimes!

GLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

I pronounce the word "Nazi" incorrectly....apparently.

Which is actually really very, very funny.

My therapist asked why the word even came up in conversation...yeeeeesssssss, hmmmmmmm.

Does anyone have any advice for me regarding writing a formal complaint letter to the counselling agency? I don't wish to incriminate the specific counsellor, rather want to alert the whole agency to the dangers of domestic abuse.

Find out the complaints procedure and what it is. You then need to write a formal letter stating what exactly you were unhappy with, if you arent satisfied with the response you can take it further.