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Original poster

Who has right of room after accident?

49 replies

barkwithnobite · 14/01/2012 11:17

DH and I had an argument - He is clearly at fault, and I said I wanted some space. He refused to sleep on the sofa, so I had to. Shouldn't he leave the room for me if he's the one that has caused the upset?

OP posts:

Original poster

barkwithnobite · 14/01/2012 19:49

Kodachrome, I wasn't seeking your sympathy....simply asking to see the view of others.....

OP posts:

Original poster

barkwithnobite · 14/01/2012 19:56

I honestly felt as though I have d right to the room... 1.) he upset me , 2.) I'm pregnant.....I stand corrected! It's always useful to hear the opinion of others. I thought he was being a mean SOB! All sorted now - we were discussing it, and I thought I'd ask you all for your opinions....

OP posts:

kodachrome · 14/01/2012 20:00

Oh you're pregnant... And you didn't think that was important information?

Original poster

barkwithnobite · 14/01/2012 20:02

Did I not say fragile pregnant woman somewhere??? Sorry!

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 14/01/2012 20:04

Ah, you're pregnant. In that case it's unkind of him to say that you can sleep on the sofa but it sounds like you had a tantrum over an email that your H didn't expect or solicit, and if you are at the stage/type of pregnancy where you are snooping and picking fights irrationally, maybe he was a bit exasperated.

Sapphirefling · 14/01/2012 20:14

How pregnant?

MidnightHag · 14/01/2012 20:18

Dripfeeding?

Original poster

barkwithnobite · 14/01/2012 20:32

Only 7wks pregnant.....

OP posts:

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/01/2012 20:33

so DH recieved an email from someone that you don't like(?)

you've had a hissy fit and have tried to blame him, and are now drip feeding information.

good job this isn't in AIBU.

Original poster

barkwithnobite · 14/01/2012 20:48

All I asked is generic opinions on who had rights to the room after an argument.....i don't understand the hostility......I know never to post a thread on MN again.

OP posts:

kodachrome · 14/01/2012 20:55

I gave you my opinion, which initially was that if he was in the wrong (thinking he'd cybered someone else) and knew he'd hurt you, then he should offer to sleep on the sofa if you didn't want to share a bed.

When I found that you were upset because he received an email, I adjusted that to whoever gets to the bed first gets to sleep in it, but you should try to sort things out.

When you suggested you should get the bed cos you're female, I thought "huh?"

And when you said you were pregnant, I thought you should probably get the bed, but refer you back to the end of answer 2, where you try to sort things out.

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/01/2012 21:00

Bark

Problem is that there are so many connotations with your story it is going to be hard to give you anything other than "meh" responses.

you have said that you are not ready to talk about the contents oif the email, thats fine. But it opens up allsorts of questions

kodachrome · 14/01/2012 21:02

If it turns out that the person he got this email from was his OW from a few weeks abck or something, then I will adjust my answer again accordingly.

Original poster

barkwithnobite · 14/01/2012 21:19

This isnt a judge me or my dh thread, its simply a quest for opinions...apologies if i appeared to be dripfeeding....

Our discussion tonight was simply - who has the right of room after an argument. He accepts that I had a right to be uncomfortable after seeing email from a woman i didnt know he was in contact with (that's all resolved now) - and I threw a hissy fit! he accepts that I'm fragile and emotional, but he doesn't accept that he should have been consigned to the sofa...he claims he was so tired after long day at work hence snoring after 5mins of being in bed! Although he's been an absolute sweetheart today, he maintains that I shouldn't have kicked him out of the room - we agreed to disagree, and I came on here to seek the opinion of others, because I dont want to be unreasonable...., but I really think he should have left the bed for me...... I was hoping other people had had similar experiences, after all everybody has an argument at some point....I don't want to make this thread about the initial cause of the argument, more about who has the right of the room - and you lot have proven me wrong, because I was soooo sure I had the right to the room..... I went to bed first in a huff after all!! We all learn everyday.....

OP posts:

kodachrome · 14/01/2012 21:23

Tbh I have arguments with dh, but I've made it a rule not to go to sleep on it and huff in separate rooms.

Most of my answers have said you had the right to the room.

solidgoldbrass · 14/01/2012 22:27

THing is, OP, there aren't rules for how a couple should conduct a disagreement. And insisting that there are Proper Rules and therefore he Has To Do What You Say makes you look not only a bit of a whanger but controlling with it. You are not necessarily right every time you disagree with your partner.

Vicky2011 · 15/01/2012 23:46

I honestly don't understand why you think you have more right to the bed than him. Ok you are pregnant so that is a factor but there simply aren't any right or wrong answers to this and you seem to think that, in principle, he should have left the room to you and gone to sleep on the sofa. Sorry, but I think that sounds really entitled. Rows happen, the nature of them is that people wil think the other person is in the wrong so a "you have upset me so you should leave the room" rule isn't going to work.

ChasingSquirrels · 15/01/2012 23:50

it is a joint bed, if you don't want to sleep in the bed with him in it - you have to sleep elsewhere.

If you were quite or heavily pregnant I would think he was an arse for not considering your feelings more, but at 7 weeks I don't think that being pregnant comes into it.

Does it have to be the sofa or is there a spare room?

LunarRose · 16/01/2012 08:53

argument you have the right of the room

Hissy fit and tired husband, husband

7weeks is very different to say 20

MrsHoarder · 16/01/2012 09:09

There's 3.5 billion women in the world I wouldn't expect DH to be in contact with. Doesn't mean he's in the wrong if any of them email him. Unless the woman in question is a very recent OW and the email suggested he'd replied of course...

And who should be on the sofa can depend on a whole host of things. But it isn't necessary to act martryed for ending up there. At 7 weeks pregnant you may well have the hormones that make you short tempered (I know I did) but until you start getting back problems/needing a specific position to be comfy with bump then it doesn't come into whether or not you can sleep on the sofa. IMO the shorter person should take the sofa until that point as they fit on it better (although here I'd have to be in quite a state to not make the sofa bed up).

cory · 16/01/2012 09:13

Is it terribly rude to ask what this email was actually about? Was it a heavily sexualised one from a woman he has encouraged in the past and whom you might have genuine reasons to believe he is carrying on with behind your back? Or was it simply a hi-how-are-you from a would-be friend?

Not that it changes the argument: I agree with other posters that no two people are going to agree as to whose fault the argument is- otherwise there wouldn't be an argument- and the whole idea of punishing the other partner by making him move out seems controlling and naff.

QuintessentiallyShallow · 16/01/2012 09:16

Stop dripfeeding. It is very confusing, and you will get a lot of irrelevant answers.

If he has had an affair and the OW gets back in touch, then you are not unreasonable to kick him out of the bedroom and throw divorce papers at him.

Being 7 weeks pregnant is obviously disastrous if you have a partner who is shagging about, as it is putting your health at risk, and the health of the baby you are carrying. Do you want to stay married?

QuintessentiallyShallow · 16/01/2012 09:19

Who has the right to the room depends a lot.

If the cause of the affair has been resolved and you have moved on, you have NO right to throw a hissy fit just because he received an email from her, and absolutely no right to demand he sleeps elsewhere. Being pregnant is neither here nor there, unless you are more than 20 weeks pregnant.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 16/01/2012 09:26

There is NO "right" to have the room after an argument. You cannot dictate another person's behaviour, however wrong they are or justified you feel. Here's an excerpt from one of my favourite websites that develops on this in an interesting way, on the issue of healthy boundaries:

For example, we might be tempted to tell someone "You can NOT rage at me", or "You can NOT say cruel things to me." These aren't examples of boundaries, these are examples of efforts to control someone else's behavior. A healthy boundary is, "When you rage at me, I feel threatened. I am going to leave (the room, the house, etc) until such time we can communicate calmly." The other person is free to rage to his/her heart's content, but you don't have to sit there and absorb all their anger and rage. If you are saying to yourself, "Why should I have to leave the room? They should have to stop raging!", you are looking at boundaries backwards.

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