Thought about namechanging then decided I'm not ashamed, I haven't done anything wrong.
As briefly as possible: last night (after a couple of glasses of wine) DP turned on the TV to watch this film. I don't like violent gang films, but hey ho, it was his turn. When Dwayne Johnson came on screen he said, apropos of nothing, "Wow, he's a big [N word], isn't he. [Sees my face] Oh, sorry African American."
I was totally dumbfounded. He has never used racist language in front of me before (been together over two years), I know for certain he has never used it in front of his friends (not least because they're all international ex-students and some aren't white, but also because they are zero-tolerance as well). He grew up in a totally white (behind the iron curtain) area and I know he used his country's equivalent of those words back when they were part of everyday use, just like they were for some of our parents' and all of our grandparents' generations because we have discussed what it was like to grow up with so little outside influence.
I told him it wasn't acceptable, couldn't believe he had said it. He said he didn't see what the problem was, particularly as I couldn't find it offensive because I am white. At that point, I admit, I raised my voice. Asked him if he would say it to our friend X, who is black (he said no), asked him if he would think it okay if I started sprouting anti-Semitic hate (his country took part in the Holocaust, so I admit this was a low blow, but he really wasn't listening) in front of him because he's not Jewish so it 'doesn't matter' (no answer). I also pointed out that Dwayne Johnson is not African American (shrug). This last bit also bothers me because it sounds like those godawful people who think anyone with non-white skin can be divided into 'Asian' and 'Black' with nothing else.
I stopped shouting, told him calmly that I never wanted to hear him say it again and left it (other option was a blazing row that I didn't have the strength for - I was really tired). He sulked so much that, even when we went to bed, he didn't wish me goodnight. He was still quiet this morning.
My head keeps bouncing back between these thoughts:
- The biggest problem for him was being 'told what to do'. He has problems with his mother that stem from being controlled and being 'told' is a big trigger in him for getting cross - he hates it, regardless of whether you're trying to help, not actually telling (it's his perception) or even trying to stop him getting physically hurt. I suspect this was behind most of the stubborness, but...
- It doesn't make what he said acceptable. He has lived here for a decade. He knows it is wrong and admitted as much when he said he wouldn't tell our friend and that I 'couldn't be offended': he knows there was offence in that word.
- I have such a no-go attitude to this I don't know what to do. If he had apologised and said he wouldn't do it again then I think I could have chalked it up to a mistake. I didn't want to sleep next to him last night but was tired (I need my sleep - two weeks of exams start on Monday) that I wasn't losing sleep on the sofa for something he had done. He went to kiss me goodbye just now and I let him, but I felt a bit repulsed.
Can I have some sage advice please? If I tell any of this to his friends I think they will be horrified, mostly because he refused to own up to saying anything wrong (I think, like me, they would be willing to accept if he has apologised and said it was a mistake, not to do it again etc.).
Please can you be as gentle as possible - this has really thrown me and I'm feeling rubbish this morning anyway with bad period cramp, plus exam stress. I should be revising, not worrying about whether my partner is some kind of closet racist.