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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I keep getting it wrong

15 replies

Verysadtonight · 14/01/2012 00:42

I have namechanged for this as I am a regular poster. 4 of my dcs have autism and after talking to a mental health nurse because I have been depressed it seems that I also have a lot of autistic traits. I try so hard to be friendly with people but then I can't cope with friendships and people think that I am rude or unkind. I feel like such a failure. I can't answer the phone if it's anyone I know, apart from my husband and I find myself crossing the street to avoid people that I know. I get lonely but I can't cope with the intensity of friendships.
One particular incident is really bothering me and I really need to tell someone because I feel ashamed and embarrassed now and I had no opportunity to tell anyone then. About ten years ago, I managed to escape my abusive birth family and also abusive partner. I had to go into a refuge with 2 young children and pregnant with a 3rd. I had gorgeous DS and moved away with older DDs. We had little money and I was living in a council house on an estate that was close to the best school in the city. They were awarded places at the school and I met dp, who shortly became dh.
He worked long hours and I was in a strange city. I was so lonely and I used to really look forward to going to the school as I would see my friends (or so I thought). I was so desperate to make friends that I didn't see the signs that people were laughing at me and looking down on me for being a young single mum with 3 children. The other mums were much older and were all professionals and I really thought that if I could get them to like me it would be good for my children too.
So, I decided I would have a hen night and invited all the mums that I had got to know. I bought theatre tickets and booked a restaurant and sent out invitations. I had written in the card that we would be having a Ladies Night Out before I got married and would love it if they would come. I saved up a fortune (I was on benefits at the time) and only two of them turned up - one of those thanked me for pestering her into going.. Another was really insulting about my using the word lady. It's years ago but it still hurts.
I don't doubt that my social skills were poor and I know that nobody owes me anything, but I was so very hurt. I am crying and I could really do with some support. I don't see any of those people now, but looking back they used to smirk when I was coming in to the playground and I was just oblivious. I feel really rotten. I suppose I just want someone to validate how lousy it was.

OP posts:
Original poster
Verysadtonight · 14/01/2012 00:45

I'm sorry it's such a long post.

OP posts:
escape · 14/01/2012 00:49

They were rude , immature bitches. You did nothing 'wrong' - even if you may have been a tad naive in your expectations of these 'friendships'.
BUT, it's 10 years ago... you really must not let such incidents cloud your present or future, and waste precious energy ( because I bet you are tired) on looking back...

BettySuarez · 14/01/2012 00:50

So sorry to hear this Sad

Some people can be truly horrible and judgemental and it totally ducks that this happened to you at a very vulnerable time in your life.

How are you know and how are your DC's? Smile

BettySuarez · 14/01/2012 00:51

Obviously that should have said 'sucks' Grin

ProfessionalProcrastinator · 14/01/2012 00:52

Verysad you sound lovely and those women sound like twats. You have come such a long way and have tried so hard under very difficult circumstances. You should be very proud of yourself. Forget about those women- they aren't worth feeling sad about. Smile

Original poster
Verysadtonight · 14/01/2012 00:56

Thanks escape and Betty. The dcs are okay, we have had a difficult week and I am pregnant, so I'm always more vulnerable then. I have never told anyone about this before because I feel ashamed that I was so socially inept that I carried on trying to engage with them. I feel humiliated. Thanks for replying and giving me your support because I have always pushed it under the carpet mentally and blamed my own naivety, but now I see my daughter becoming slowly more sociable and I am so worried that the same things will happen to her, because she and I share so many traits Sad

OP posts:
BettySuarez · 14/01/2012 01:02

You know what, your DC's may well find themselves facing a similar situation in the future. It is so bitterly hard I know Sad but they will be better for having you there and guiding them through it.

You learnt the hard way (we all do) and your DC's will too.

Try not to be so hard on yourself about this, we have all been there (believe me) but you are not the same person now that you were then x

BettySuarez · 14/01/2012 01:03

And you sound like a really really lovely mum x

Original poster
Verysadtonight · 14/01/2012 01:05

Thanks Betty. You have really helped. Nobody in RL knows, not even DH. I just hope I can put it to good use with dcs x

OP posts:
spenditwisely · 14/01/2012 01:09

The playground is a scary place for grownups. It's full of hormonal women, desperate to protect and defend the social standing of their offspring. People say and do all sorts of stupid things under those circumstances. Try to let it go, blank the bad experiences from your mind once you have learned from them. You have learned that you may have autism? Well that's a good start. Be proud of who you are and your children will be proud of you too.

BettySuarez · 14/01/2012 01:11

On my phone tonight so difficult to go into loads of detail but you would die if you knew some of the 'mistakes' that I made in my 'yoof'

I am sure you must cringe looking back but apart from being a but naive - what have you actually done wrong? You haven't Smile

Why not share it with your DH? a problem halved etc?

Original poster
Verysadtonight · 14/01/2012 01:13

Thanks spendit. I just feel that I failed and that the children and I were seen as undesirable when we tried so hard to fit. I do understand about the social standing issue, I was just so alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Verysadtonight · 14/01/2012 01:15

I might talk to DH tomorrow. It can't do any harm.

OP posts:
Original poster
Verysadtonight · 14/01/2012 01:26

Thanks everyone. Am having some chocolate and watching Coronation Street. Goodnight everyone.

OP posts:
catherinea1971 · 14/01/2012 08:13

Hi verysad, what an amazing woman you are! 4 dc's on the spectrum and pregnant I take my hat off to you. I have 1 with asd and the youngest is going through the diagnosis process and it is hard work but very rewarding as you will know.
Do your dc's have any involvement with the NAS locally, here they arrange coffee mornings and other activities for mums and something like that would be a great way for you to get out and meet people who will accept and understand you for the amazing lady you are. They are also great places to swap help and advice on how to cope with bringing up a child on the spectrum.

Not sure if you already do post on the sn board here (I lurk there but don't post an awful lot) but there are many mums there with dc's on the spectrum and a few who are autistic themselves.
Sending you hugs. :)

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