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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Awful gossip about my close friend's husband -WWYD?

30 replies

mistythecat · 13/01/2012 12:34

Just met up with an old friend for coffee this morning and she asked me how well I knew couple X and Y. They are actually close friends of mine and DH's, although I didn't let on that we were that all that close - we go on holidays together and our DCs have known each other since birth. They are a lovely couple, although they have a fairly tempestuous relationship, they are both quite headstrong characters. He is an upstanding member of the local community - and is well respected by a lot of people - or so I thought.

The friend this morning told me that various people had been discussing X ( the man) on a night out, saying that he is a serial philanderer and has propositioned a few women they knew, who had turned him down. But they also knew of a lot of times when he had met up for sex with women, and there was speculation that he met a lot of these women via the internet and apparently he has fake accounts on dating websites.

I was totally shocked by what she told me and now I'm wondering how much of this is true and how much is just people gossipping and spreading rumours.

My friend Y, would obviously be completely devastated if she found out any of this was true, I know she would never forgive him and it would be the end of their marriage and possibly his career could go down the pan.

I wish the friend had never told me this now, as I don't know whether to tell my own DH what I have heard about our friend X. Should I tell my DH? Would you tell X what you had heard about him? I certainly don't want to tell Y, but then if someone was spreading rumours about my own DH like this I would want to know, I suppose... or would I?

OP posts:
Gigondas · 13/01/2012 12:39

By all means tell your dh but not sure what benefit telling x or y is . Does this other friend actually have hard evidence of this or is it hearsay ( the bit about meeting people for Internet sex is just Hmm - was she one of them ? If so why say).
Unless you or dh something with your own eyes i wouldn't blab.

Bangtastic · 13/01/2012 12:40

The key word here; speculation

Although you have to wonder that if all of these people know such details of his life, including his fake profiles etc - then surely his own wife would have caught on by now.

Leave well alone.

TotallyLaLa · 13/01/2012 12:42

I'd probably tell my own DH that I'd heard some gossip (after all that is what it is, albeit not very nice gossip) but I wouldn't tell Y. For starters what your mutual friend told you is just gossip and rumours. Secondly, you have no proof this is what he is like/has been doing (unless he has propositioned you then that is a whole different matter) and thirdly, it's always the messenger that gets shot!

How do these other women know that X has fake accounts on dating websites or meets up with other women for sex? Perhaps there's a little bit of the green eyed monster towards X and Y for their relationship.

If the rumours do come about to be true, you will be there as friends should be with tissues, wine and chocolate to pick up the pieces of Y's life

Hassled · 13/01/2012 12:43

From what you know of X, given that you know them very well, does it seem remotely likely? Are there any good reasons why someone would spread mallicious rumours about him - is he the type to have made an enemy somewhere?

SucksToBeMe · 13/01/2012 12:45

If i was Y i would want to know and be terriblely hurt that i people were talking about me. I have told friends before when I knew their OH cheated,it never goes well. I have lost the friends i told and they remained with their partners. I wouldn't do it again tbh.

ClaraSage · 13/01/2012 12:46

But how do these people know? It may be untrue but
I would absolutely want my friend to tell me if she heard this, otherwise I would feel everyone was talking about me and she will feel doubly hurt when she does eventually find out. Knowledge is power. Tell her what you heard this am, a good friend would.

MrsGypsy · 13/01/2012 12:48

You'd be mad to blab. The only time that you should ponder whether to tell a friend is when YOU see the spouse actually snogging/shagging another.

And even then.......

(agree with totallylala the messenger ALWAYS gets it in the neck!)

rookiemater · 13/01/2012 12:49

I certainly wouldn't tell her. If he is up to half the things listed then its highly likely his wife has at least an inkling of what is going on. If it were me I wouldn't be rushing to go on holiday with them again though.

fuzzynavel · 13/01/2012 12:49

If this gossip, because that's what it is, is burning to come out, tell somone who has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with anyone to get it off your chest then keep your mouth shut.

mummakaz · 13/01/2012 12:51

hmmm catch 22 I think. If you were my friend and the rumors were true and you never told me, you wouldn't be my friend anymore put it that way but you could be in the shit with your friend if they are not true or you may not.

If I were in your situation I would tell my friend but only you can decide.

SolpadeineMaxed · 13/01/2012 12:52

Definitely don't tell her. Why would you? Might be malicious gossip, it might not, but either way it's speculation.

If it's true, he's obviously not being quite as careful as he thinks he is, and he'll be discovered anyway.

prh47bridge · 13/01/2012 12:54

The stuff about meeting lots of women via the internet had having fake accounts on dating websites sounds like pure speculation to me. The only way anyone would know is if they went internet dating, met up with someone and found it was him.

The bit about propositioning women is very third hand - your friend was with some other people who were told this by people they knew. That is not reliable evidence in my view. If your friend said that X had propositioned her it would be another matter.

You say Y would be devastated if this was true. Are you sure? She may already know what her partner is up to and not mind. She may not want to know what her partner is up to, preferring to turn a blind eye. She may be a serial philanderer herself. They may enjoy threesomes together with girls he picks up. You just don't know.

What you say to your DH is up to you but I certainly wouldn't say anything to X or Y. You would risk losing them as friends and I doubt any good would come of it.

welliesandpyjamas · 13/01/2012 12:55

Tough one. I would suggest sitting down and thinking about (hell, even drawing out a diagram if you have to!) all possible repurcussions of telling and not telling and THEN deciding what is the least awful outcome. Something I should have done before naïvely but loyally informing a friend that people knew about her longstanding secret affair with someone in a relationship and a job where they were not allowed to have such relationships...it all went a bit mad after I told her, dominoes falling stylee, and definitely was not worth telling :(

prh47bridge · 13/01/2012 12:59

Just to add to my last post, the bit about propositioning sounds much the same as "my friend said to me that they went on a night out with some friends who told her that they had friends who work for company X and said their shares are about to go through the roof. My friend told me I should buy as many shares in company X as possible." Would you trust that? I wouldn't.

Housewifefromheaven · 13/01/2012 13:01

Don't. It's all just hearsay. He may well be trying to/is already shagging around, however it's none of your business and I agree with the others who mention shooting the messenger. Your friendship will never be the same. Best leave it to someone else and be there for her when/if it all comes out.

Good luck - I can hardly keep my own secrets let alone hold onto anyone else's despite my above advice :)

mistythecat · 13/01/2012 13:07

Hmm, thanks for all advice, I think I will tell DH tonight in confidence and see what he thinks. I certainly don't want to be the one spreading this gossip about X around to anyone else, but i think it's OK to tell DH.

Apparently he propositioned one of the women who were gossipping about it with my friend who told me. He asked her if she was into extra marital sex and if so, he knew of a good local hotel. Hmm If that is the case, why would he be propositioning people that knew friend of his wife's? Wouldn't it be a bit too risky thinking that it could easily get back to Y, if someone took offence?

Having said that, it is not the first time I have heard the occasional comment about him, but in the past I have always disbelieved what I've heard. He is quite flirtatious and maybe he has made comments in jest and people have taken them seriously?

OP posts:
mistythecat · 13/01/2012 13:09

I don't know how they know about the so called fake identities on dating websites though....

OP posts:
poorbuthappy · 13/01/2012 13:16

I have been in thus situation twice. Once with good friends of dh (who told me) and we decided not to get involved, but although it may have been true there was enough malicious gossipness about it to be able to ignore it.
And once with mutual friends whose marriage has since ended with the 1 party knowing knowing some but definitely not all the details. We agonised over it but again decided against saying anything. Sometimes I do wonder what will happen it the truth came out and they find out that many other people knew, but I'm not going to open that particular can of worms.
It's horrible and puts you in an awful position so you have my sympathy. Sad

MooncupGoddess · 13/01/2012 13:21

Hmm. I wouldn't tell the friend, but I would subtly try to make sure she knew that if she had any serious problems she could talk to me about them... given all this gossip it seems unlikely she hasn't at least suspected her husband of something, but as you are 'couple friends' with them she may feel unable to say anything to you.

welliesandpyjamas · 13/01/2012 13:30

OP, your last post reminded me of a similar situation amongst some school parents here, where Mr X allegedly propositioned Mrs Y in a club, who told a friend of a friend of a friend of Mrs X, who then told Mrs X...Mrs X had a big bust-up with Mr X over it... And Mr X rounded up his mates and beat the crap out of Mr Y, as a um, sort of retaliation for Mrs Y blabbing (or making it up, depending on who you believe). End result: Mr X got a criminal record, Mr Y got a broken leg, Mrs X will never know for sure what the truth is, and Mrs Y moved her dc to another school. Definitely not worth it.

bugsylugs · 13/01/2012 13:30

Could the women who was spreading the gossip and allegedly been propositioned actually have done the propositioning and been turned down and now seeking her revenge?

DharmaCeutical · 13/01/2012 13:34

I know that you're all right in saying that the OP shouldn't get involved, but crikey.. Wouldn't you want to know if your close friend knew that your husband was being gossiped about like that, whether the facts were accurate or not? I bloody well would.

Sorry, that's not helpful OP. What a shit situation.

AvaMaria · 13/01/2012 13:52

Well, as the saying goes: there's no smoke without fire.

He's definitely up to something and as you said OP, it's not the first time you've heard something about him.

If the woman was my best friend or a very close friend then I think I'd tell her what I'd heard and I'd certainly want a close friend of mine to do the same. But I agree it is mighty awkward and she may not want to know this...

Why would people make this stuff up? Seems highly unlikely he is an innocent upstanding man, like you said, you've heard this before about him...

cestlavielife · 13/01/2012 14:28

you could tell y the fact -that you met person a who told you that "other people" were spreading rumours about her H. if she asks for more detail say person A said they relate to sexual encounters. fullstop. you dont need to go into more detail.

the single true fact here is that person A has told you that other people are spreading rumours., you dont know how true that is. you only know what person A has told you. you cannot verify what she says. maybe only person A was propositioned and wants to spread gossip, who knows.

cestlavielife · 13/01/2012 14:29

ps why would sex end his career? unless he a priest or politician?