Selfish PIG

[Sax]

Am I being unreasonable - was a sahm but hubby decides to quit job cos wasn't happy!!!!! now isn't getting enough shifts to cover bills etc. expects me to work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Knows I am depressed, knows I don't want to - now we argue lots, tis a nightmare - don't know what to do - can't face going to work!!!!!

having a moment - sorry

((( Sax )))

Nice to see you back here

Anyway he could increase his shifts or find a perminte position?

How can he expect you to work when you have 3 kids under 5???

You are being a little unreasonable, but I can understand it.

Why not do a bit of work yourself? As much for the money as getting back into the swing of things.
It would give you some independance rather than being stuck with being reliant on him.

Should he keep working in a bad job just for the money? I don't think so.

Ty Tamba, he expects me to do shifts when he isn't!!!!!!!!! yes he's applied for permenant postion which I might add I usually do applications for (I did this one for him) also organise the presentation!!!!!!!!!! Basically get the job for him albeit the interview and he can talk his way into it! Interview next week but til then theres the rent (mil paid last month) and the mountain of debts!!!!

All crap!!!!

Hmmm - why do you assume that he should be the one to work and not you?

I can see that in changing current modus operandi he should have discussed this with you first. Maybe he's at the end of his tether too though!

It sounds like time for a quiet night out without children to discuss what you both want and i think you need to be prepared to listen to what he wants, as well as sharing what you want.

I don't think you are being unreasonably, possibly just a bit shocked. However, I do think it would be unreasonable to always expect him to be the one to work while you stay at home. Equal opportunities cut both ways IMHO!

We share our shifts, as I don't feel it would be fair to make dp do 50 hour weeks while I stay at home all the time. There is no reason for me not to work.

You sound horrified that he expects you to work, but in fairness, you expect him to work! Plus if he is your kids' father, not only do you have 3 kids under 5, but so does he.

Could you do something like babysitting for cash or ironing just to bring in a bit extra? It does sound irresponsible of your DH to give up his ob when you are ill, he needs to support you now, he may be fed up with being the breadwinner but trying to force you into getting a job is not the right way of going about it - it sounds like he needs to take your depression seriously, are you doing all that you can to get through it, seeing your GP etc..?

Sorry I don't know the situation so this is just my observations from your post and giving you a bit of support

No not horrified, more upset at myself cos can't get my head round going back to work but yes reality is I HAVE to!!!!!!!!!!!

Ignore thread was stupid, heat of moment, just upset tonight!!!!!

Again, to be fair, your Dp HAS to work too.

I don't think he is being at all unfair insisting on you getting a job. I would be very annoyed if I lived with someone who wouldn't work while expecting me to.

Depression is recognised as a valid reason not to be at work - look here

Are you getting help sax?

Sax has come so far in a short space of time, there was a point when she was very seriously depressed and she has done amazingly well to overcome it and to manage day to day. She was working as a nurse (a highly stressful job) which i think contributed to the illness as a whole. Because of her illness she was unable to work, she is now doing great and is a brill mom to her boys.

Her dh quit work just when she needed him the most, and then to add to her stress it caused finacial difficulties.

I think it is unreasonable to expect her to go back to a demanding stressful job when she is doing so brilliantly in her recovery.

Esspecially as her job was a contributer to the depression in the first place iyswim.

Sax -

How does he intend to sort out child care? With DS doing half days at school and the two little ones it could be difficult.

Hopefully his interview will go well

I wonder if you can't get yourself a part-time job somewhere? This will show him that you are willing to work and contribute, it will also help your depression as you are forced to get out and socialise and working (in a non-pressure job of course) does boost your self-confidence. Plus it brings in a little extra income! Even if it's only in a supermarket, it's a start back into the world of work.

You can only try?

Bubble, I GUESS best would have been to be dx wiv depression when working! then could be off sick! hmmmm unfortunately didn't therefore case of grin and bear it.

Tamba, ty again! you are very supportive. I guess I have to work nights when dh is off next day but i just know the stress levels will increase tenfold cos men just don't do the jobs ie. ironing, washing, washing up etc etc, all the subtle jobs we do without thinking (don't shout me down here, i'm not making a sweeping comment was talking about my dh, some men i'm sure are superb at this!!!!)

BTW, help wise - was referred to counsellor last summer and finally appointment came through this week
Only problem is, was told would be approx. 6 sessions but at end of first session she signed me off, don't get me wrong i did open up and told her how I felt but she felt I knew the coping stragegies and therefore didn't need to see her again pmsl f ing NHS!!!! trying to decrease waiting list I believe!!!!

As a chap currently stuck at home (self employed with not enough contracts to keep me happy). The better half is still at full time work which is a little stressful on me as i certainly don't want to be in a position that I am not contributing enough to the household.

Don't know whether it is just me, but I can do jobs around the house no problem, but unless I SEE the job, it gets missed. So, the floors get cleaned, the DIY jobs get done and tea get cooked by me, but unless there is a bloody great signpost with lights flashing instructing me to do the ironing........

So, discuss it with him and put a list of jobs on the kitchen table for him to help out with the house work. Even if it is just run the vacuum cleaner around, wash the dishes, clean the toilet and bathe the kids.....Then perhaps he can have an early night...

Unreasonable. The shoe is on the other foot in my case. And I'm also being treated for depression. I have two kids under 3. Life is about compromise.

I mean, who wants to work?

And who chose to have two kids under 3? Me.

Marriage and partnership are a joint thing. Each partner's happiness is equally important.

Sorry to be harsh, and it's just my 2p.

Have you spoken to tax credits? If your income has dropped dramatically then you may be entitled to more, it's definately worth telling them - do you get wftc - he needs to be working at least 16 hours.

Do you live within your means or could you cut back at all? I'd rather be poor and be happy than be rich and unhappy. Hopefully you will be better in the future and be ready to face the world again and take on a more demanding position but at the moment your health is more important.

If you can't pay the bills after economising then you'll need to find a way to manage, do you have baby things etc.. that you could put on ebay? Maybe a very part time job cleaning or stacking shelves - no pressure but bringing in a few pennies.

Your DH sounds like he's crying out for some support too, it must be tough on him taking the strain at the moment so try to see his side too - because of this illness he's lost the person he married and there is nothing he can do to make you better - it must be frustrating for him.

k get the message!!!!! ty for reading!!!!

Sax, i am a nurse, (currently working as a childminder! ) and try to do a couple of bank nights a month to keep my hand in IYKWIM.
why don't you try this? its much less stressful than contracted work
you are rarely in charge and can pick to work on "easier" wards!
i usedto work onMAU and did a night on Gynacology on sat, quietist night ever
very easy money!
agree hubby should have talked to yeu first by the way.

apparently i sound tetchy, many appologises, just feeling low and upset tonight!!!! Many thanks for your replies.

Sure it'll all work itself out

cheers again, Sax xxx