Anyone's DH suddenly become less of a workaholic after DC?!

[HannahBerry]

What would you do?

My very kind and loving DP of 2 years has a huge workload - he took on lots of extra responsibility before he met me. His extra duties are all things he loves to do and he is dedicated to each and every commitment. After a while, he agreed to renegotiate his job description, but unfortunately, while a number of duties were removed, somehow the remainder have just got wider.

This is a typical day for him. Wakes at 5.30am, leaves at 6.30am, gets to work at 7am and returns most nights at 6pm or 7pm but, depending on commitments, even 9pm or 10pm. OK so far? When he gets in we'll cook, eat and relax for an hour or so, but then he'll be back working at his PC, without fail, by 9pm until about midnight. He has Friday night and Saturday off but he spends all day on Sunday working too (and also holidays).

On top of this, he has travel for work around 4/5 Saturdays or weekends a year. He gets paid a bit above average for all this, but his duties do not lend easily to promotion as he has cherry picked what he enjoys instead of obtaining managerial responsibility. This means it'll be very difficult for him to move workplaces.

I have told him how I feel again and again. He responds that this is normal for his job (teacher) and that everyone he knows works this hard. He has been in the game a long time, so does not have the excuse of a steep learning curve so I'll know it'll never get better. He is also very nice and never complains, so I think this level of work has become expected of him from both colleagues and students. I am a full time teacher as well, but I very rarely bring work home. Could he be a workaholic?

My problem is this. I am 20 weeks pregnant with first DC and we are due to get married next month. So far, I have naively thought that when the baby comes, things will change and DP would re-evaluate his priorities. But if I have learnt anything from these boards it is that women who hope that marriage will somehow change their husbands are signing themselves up for a life of disappointment!

I go over it in circles in my head. I could wait and see how it goes, but at the same time am I sealing my fate-"You knew what he was like when you married him"? But I'm miserable at the thought about him potentially putting work in front of our child; yet feel so selfish for wanting him to change the situation. What would you do?

I would tell him exactly what you are feeling and put the wedding on hold. It's not selfish to expect your baby and life together not to always take a back seat to his work.

If he loves you, he will reassess the way he works and make compromises.

My h was a workaholic from early adulthood, but I couldnt see it when we met.

No he got worse after children, much worse, eventually. The only thing which has started to change him is he discovering his recent infidelity, me making moves to leave, followed by Relate. Relate helped to to think about his reasons for working so hard- communication, self esteem issues etc. Woraholics can actually look like they have high self esteem, in my view, because they can have alot of successes at work. But they need the constant feedback in order to feel ok.

As soon as I started to really get critical (when we had three kids together) of his involvement in the family, he 'withdrew', saw me as hyper- critical, started internet sex affairs, which went on for 5 years.

i feel your pain. DP works all the time when he gets home - everynight and all weekend - he even worked 4 hours on xmas day and all day boxing day.

I am 6 weeks pregnant and can't see it changing. He loves his job and is well paid so he thinks i should accept it.

Sorry no help, just sympathising.

And my h blamed every job he had, for years and years- it was always this reason or that reason etc etc. It was in fact when we finally started a business together and had similar types of work, that the real arguments started, because he could no longer hide behind this difficult employer or that difficult project.

You absolutely have to address this - now.

This is a crazy amount of work - crazy. I earn a very good wage and I work 10-6 with a bit of email checking on the weekends. If he earns an extremely high salary then this might be worth it for you but for me and my family no money would be worth it.

This is obsession. There is no way any sane employer would want this level of dedication as clearly he is going to burn out, probably quite suddenly, one day.

And I think fiventhree makes some very pertinent and perceptive points.

You have to assume he won't change. Marrying someone expecting them to change is a huge mistake.

what kind of teacher is he? sounds nuts? anyway if he is a teacher he gets long holidays right to compensate?

but no he wont change.

unless he really has an epiphany
is he really into babies? does he say he cant wait to do sx and yy with the baby?

My DP was a workaholic when I met him eight years ago, and now we've got a 2.5-year-old boy he still is. Until recently he'd leave the house at 6.30, and not get back until 8 or 9. And he'd work during the weekends.

The only thing that means he now sees DS more than a few times during the week is that DS has something wrong with his eye, that means he has to wear a cosmetic shell. Inserting/removing this is a two-man job, so DP has to be around to help me. Thus he gets up a 5.30, works at home, helps put the shell in when DS wakes up. Then he's home by 7 to help take it out. Then works in the evening.

So we see him more, but only because of DS medical problem, which I wouldn't wish on anyone!

Fivethree - you're right about the self-esteem thing. He's been like this in all three jobs he's had since I've known him. His commitment does mean he's done very well in his field, and is recognised for it, but any amount of success doesn't seem to fill the void.

Oh yes, another thing. I think he also feels even more pressure to work hard, as he has to 'provide'. He feels - wrongly - that the onus falls to him to keep us off the breadline.

I know lots of teachers who work like this. The job seems to be never-ending, despite good holidays.
I don't think he will change. From experience my DH is more of a workaholic since we had the DCs. I suggest you try to discuss this with your DH though, before the baby arrives as you will need support once baby is here

Thank you for all of your replies. I am quite scared actually because of the unknown quantity (baby) and as we are moving soon but further away from my family.

I think putting the wedding on hold will be my first move. I have spoken to him about this but he can offer me no solution.

Ultimately, I cannot ask him to change because it is me with the problem, and I believe that marriage means accepting your partner. I would be annoyed if it was the other way around.

Very interesting thing about the esteem/ constant need for recognition. There are few other signs that indicate that this may be the case, and it does add up.

Yes, definitely put it on hold. He's not even willing to pay lip service to the idea of giving you & your child together ahead of work, so I do think you have a choice - being mostly a single parent or entirely a single parent. The latter has a future of maybe finding someone else who can get his priorities right.

Hannah

Firstly, my experience may not be the same as yours, and your partner may be different to mine.

But fwiw, Im not surprised there are few current indications of low self esteem etc. Truly, I didnt even recognise it at first, although my h had run a business and worked crazy hours and developed a long term health problem by the time we met. And I am not stupid!

They are perfectionists and do not accept that it is Ok to make mistakes. And they may not even like their work, in fact- that is not the reason they do it. They often need to control, and use work for this. And of course, they never sto before they recognise it as a problem.

It hels to look at it like any other 'aholism'.

ps the reason it is hard to recognise is that they always think that the problem is 'situational' ie related to current circumstances. But how many teachers wor these hours?

Have experience with this, DH works too much.

Agree with herbaceous, especially that will get worse after DC 'cos of pressure to provide. The economic climate doesn't help either ("am lucky to have a job, need to keep it" etc etc).

Another hard thing after DC is that if he's any kind of father the kids become a v high priority. So what little time there is for anything other than work goes to them, eg that dinnertime 7-9 will be partly taken up with settling the DC! You might feel bottom of the list. Saturdays will be family activities. if, on the other hand, he prioritises work over the DC, or doesn't help you much with the domestics that come with DC, or enable you to get a break, you might become v angry.

DC mean everyone is more knackered. If his mood or health is already under strain, night-wakings and hard work of DC might make things worse. My DH (young, slim, no history of health problems) now has a back problem (due to v long hours sitting), has had a lot of time off sick (flu, viruses, appendicitis) and is much, much grumpier than before.

Yes, fiventhree, it's denial! Eg "it's only been this bad for a few weeks", "it's what's required", "everyone else does it"

Actually, none of the above.

He says it is because he enjoys doing it. But doesn't that mean he is putting his own needs in front of the partnership?

I moaned about his hours before pregnancy, but accepted it. But becoming pregnant has changed my point of view completely.

I want someone who has a work life balance, and will be there for me and our child. I'm so angry at the moment, because I didn't see this coming and he is not willing to compromise ("I can't drop responsibility as no-one else can do what I do" "Being a parent is not as life changing as you make out, it'll enhance our lives").

ARGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

fiventhree chores and childcare don't even feature on my radar, I hold no hope of him doing his fair share. It'll just eat me up inside if I have expectations like that.

Oh dear. I feel a bit sorry for him and sorrier for you.

He's not willing to change and never was, while you thought you could handle how he was. But having a child changes your perspective. Oh dear.

I don't know if this is helpful but my DH has always worked extremely long hours and we were together a long time before we had DCs.

What made it OK was that when I got pregnant he did make some changes that meant his weekends were freed up. It was this willingness to acknowledge that life was going to change when we had children that made his continuing long hours Ok with me.

We have 3 DCs now and I do everything Monday to Friday but on the weekends he is all about them and us. It is a compromise we have reached and I know he makes a lot of effort to come to important school events even though it isn't always possible.

It is about perception really. On the outside people would think my DH works horrendous hours and his family misses out. But from the inside we know that when he's with us he gives us 100% of his time and attention.

Could your DP do more to reassure you that this would be the case?

He doesn't seem to be working in a very efficient way, if he's working those sort of hours.

It's different in your first year of teaching, when it's a nightmare, or even your second or third, but at this point in his life he should have most of his work prepared and mainly have to do marking.

He is not very efficient. But the reason he puts the hours in is that he cares too much- perfectionist?. In the past I have said to him that his work gets the best of him, but, for me now, what that means is that he'll give other people's children the best of him.

I'm just ranting now.

Thank you for your input eyeofthestorm. We talked about counselling. I suggested he may have esteem issues. But he replied, if the counsellor says this, that he'll dismiss it as only he knows what is going on in his head! Is there any point going? He wants someone independent to tell me I am being unreasonable so he doesn't have to change. Obviously, to him, it must seem very unreasonable to all of sudden to have this change of heart.

Dp is a teacher and works those kind of hours plus several weekends a year due to sports. He prepares most of his lessons from scratch, runs extra classes and trips abroad. If the op's Dp works at a private school this is totally what's expected as a minimum ime.

It's a tough one. Dp and I don't have dcs and I do wonder how he'd fit in time for them if we did. op, you have my sympathies. It's difficult, especially as I really respect what Dp does.