Different values incompatible?

[Vajazzler]

At what point do you decide that you have completely different values to your partner and those values cannot co-exist?

My 'd'h thinks drinking alcohol every day is not an issue. He is not willing to budge on this matter and thinks that he is entitled to a few beers when hes been at work all day. I think this a silly excuse and am not happy about it.
He also thinks that lying to me about his beer consumption and drinking it secretly outside while he 'goes out for a fag' saves my feelings therefore the lie doesnt matter. I disagree with this and think if he's lying about this what else is he lying about?

I dont think our children should grow up thinking that alcohol every day is acceptible behaviour.

You must have known that he was a drinker, he hasnt only just started doing this.

For me it would be a deal breaker, I'd not be with someone who drank every day, but then I'm single.

YOu aren't.

Yes he has always been 'a drinker'. But when we first got together there werent children involved. Along the way we have had drug abuse as well which has stopped. 6 months ago we had a big blowup about stuff which ended up with me asking him to leave. He asked to come home and said he'd stop drinking altogether. I agreed to this but slowly he has sneaked it back into our lives. It started just 1 beer with the footie and now its 2-4 cans every night.

I'm sick of him stinking of beer and fags. It turns my stomach, especially when we are intimate.

Yes, I think this is incompatible.

2-4 cans a night, in certain parts/cultures in this country, is not considered excessive. I don't want to get into an argument about health, alcoholism etc. I'm not saying it's right, I'm saying some people consider it acceptable.

If you don't consider it acceptable, and he can't/won't give it up, then you won't be able to live happily together.

in my experirnce of not being a drinker and the ex p drinking 6-10 cans an evening, it doesnt get better. i spent 8yrs waiting/ hoping he would stop with several debates & arguements, he promised to stop then slowly got back into it. in the end our differences were too incompatible. id wish i ended it sooner because i was so unhappy all those yrs.

sorry its prob what you dont want to hear but if he's not willing to change then theres a strong chance you will remain with those unhappy feelings.

some people just like the habbit too much

Oh dear OP, you've already challenged him on this and he said he'd quit, he hasn't has he.

How long did you kick him out for before? Maybe try doing it again indefinitely and see if that works, doubt it though.

I guess it depends how his drinking affects him/ you.

I like to have a drink (one!) most evenings, whereas DH doesn't. For me, it is a treat, I like the taste and psychologically I feel I am now "off duty". I don't get drunk/ fall over/ slur/ babble. I feel fine. I suspect DH disapproves a little, but if he were to demand that I stop I would be hacked off- I am an adult, and it doesn't affect him in the slightest, to my mind.

What does mystify me is that on the occasions when DH does drink, he often goes OTT. Surely my relationship with alcohol, where I like the taste and the idea of a glass of wine, is better than a drink-to-get-drunk mentality? Depends what kind of drinker your DP is, though, and how it affects your lifestyle and relationship

you cannot dictate to him what he can and cant do he is an adult who is free to make his own choices. You will end up sick of the sound of your own nagging voice.

what you can do is decide how YOU are going to deal with YOUR feelings about the matter and then make YOUR choices.

I think it depends on how much he drinks and the impact it has on your lives.

I think there's a difference, for instance, between that impact being negative in terms of that he perhaps gets drunk/is not responsible/acts in a certain way when drinking, which in turn would have a negative impact on your lives, and you perceiving it as having a negative impact on your lives/relationship purely on the basis you don't approve of it and feel he should give it up for that reason, iyswim.

I rarely if ever drink, and even when I do drink at home it's only ever one glass of archers or similar (I don't like the taste of most alcohol), but my dh will occasionally have a couple of glasses of wine, or a couple of beers of an evening, not every evening, but a few times a week. He doesn't get drunk or agressive or silly - he doesn't drink to that level. There it's really not for me to say whether he should be doing it or not.

Only you know whether you can realistically stay in the relationship, but I do think you need to examine whether the fact you simply don't like it is good grounds to end a relationship and split up your children's family.

Drugs are a whole new level and would be a dealbreaker for me too, but then drugs are illegal.

There is a big diference between having a glass of wine a day - which does no damage to your health BTW - and drinking excessively and smoking - which is damaging for you and doesnt create a good environment for your children.

I also generally have one glass of wine or a sherry when my day is finished. My parents also did this so I was bought up in a household where adults drank regularly, but no one was ever drunk. It was a non issue.

However, I have also lived with a drinker pre children, who had an addictive personality and who was regularly drunk. Not the same thing at all, and not an environment I would want for my kids

He is entitled to do whatever he chooses with his health.

YOU are entitled to remove yourself and your DC from a home environment that you find unhealthy.

What you cannot do is make another person change their behaviour. You can only change your own.

Good luck.

Alcoholic
RUN