XP's mum has just texted me

[BertieBotts]

" said he has tried to contact you. He has a Christmas present for DS"

I'd like to know what "tried" constitutes since I have facebook open for messages, haven't changed my email, have given him my mobile number about 3 times now (and his mum clearly has it and he LIVES there) and he knows where I live.

What should I reply? I'm sick of having to be the one to chase him up. He hasn't even seen DS in 5 months, totally ignored his birthday, and has only seen him once in the last 9 months in total. DS is 3, so, I don't hold out much hope for him having a clue who he is.

(Serious and non serious suggestions welcome )

text her back saying 'wow, he's on the ball, i won't start my shopping until December at least'

"He didn't try very hard. He has all my contact info and I haven't heard from him so clearly he is bullshitting you"

It sounds like he wants his mum to be the go between, which if so is a rather empty gesture isn't it?

I would say, "That's nice to hear, just let him know that he can still contact me on fb, email and mobile - none of these have changed since I last gave them to him. I'll wait to hear from him then, thanks."

mustdache yes that is completely mystifying...

EatWorms that sounds like a good approach.

serious reply though, it sounds like he's hiding behind his mother a bit, do what EatWorms says i reckon, tell her he still has you contact details etc

Maybe she knows her son is useless but wants to stay in the picture as granny herself so is trying to cover for him?

I think eatworms suggestion is a sensible one, make clear that he has all the details and leave it at that.

"great - let me know when he would like to see dc"

He's a knob end but if there's a chink o light in terms of him seeing his dc then take it, for the sake of your dc.

Text her back "Clearly he must try a lot harder, as he has all my contact info, and I have not heard a thing".

WTF? He can't be bothered to get a present to his DS in time for Christmas, then gets his Mum to act as go-between?

I agree with EatWorms really, snesible approach- but the evil side of me loves Mustdache's idea... 'Ooh has he done his Christmas shopping already? How very organised of him. If he wants to arrange a date to drop it off, he has my mobile number, e-mail and facebook details.'

Gah sensible even..

Maybe she knows Exp is useless but she wants to keep contact so she can be gran?

Would you want to keep a relationship with her, regardless of Exp?

It sounds to me that she is at him about it, to shut her up he has sais he has tried to contact you.
If you have her email address I would email her and cc him saying that for clarity he has all of your contact details but has chosen not to use them.
Tell her that you are sick of chasing him up, that you wish for there to be contact between them but that he needs to sort it out himself.
I really think that it is her that wants the contact, has she seen much of ds herself?

Sorry for typos, little one 'helping'! :)

Or just ignore.

Do you WANT these supposed gifts? Do you want a practice established where exMIL acts as go-between?

I still take DS to see her anyway, he's been seeing her regularly during the last 9 months when XP hasn't bothered, even the last few weeks when he has moved back in there, he hasn't wanted to know. We go around when he is at work

I suspect either a new girlfriend, or his mum is guilt tripping him.

Honestly? I don't want XP to have contact just because some woman or other is annoying him and he wants them to shut up. I'd rather he chose whether he wanted to be in DS's life or not. I know I'm supposed to want them to have contact for DS's sake, etc, but while I would never obstruct it or stop them having a relationship, I don't want to go out of my way to facilitate it either because I don't think he is a positive influence on DS's life.

Just reply honestly 'No, he has not tried to contact me' and leave it at that.

I agree with fairenuff. Push back with a simple statement that sets out the rel situation and ignore any further comments. If he chooses to get in touch so be it but it's not your job to do it for him.

I agree. I'd say, "No, he's not been in touch. It's five months since he saw DS. Is this a Christmas present for 2011 or for 2012?"

What you have to imagine (impossible for all of us, I now) is that your own son has grown and had children, and is behaving like a pillock.

You love your grandchildren, and dont want to lose them.

You find it hard sometimes not to suspect your son of bulllshit, even though you have seen enough of it from him. He is still your son.

On the other hand, you dont want to fall out with ex DIL. (and occasionally, just occasionally, really, you see a few faults in her too. You wish they could get on. But you do know that HE is more at fault).

OP, this is me, with my eldest son. I think it best to tell her honestly he hasnt been in contact, but say it without spite or point scoring etc. Just be a bit 'confused'? eg " Im a bit surprised, because I havnt heard from him at all...".

Sometimes the MIL suspects this, and is just checking his story, in order to get the truth of the matter straight in her own head!

She knows what he is like and she knows I won't stop her from seeing DS, whatever I feel about her - I have no desire to cut him off from family members who are interested in him, and he loves his Nanny.

Interesting what you say about "checking" his story - that makes sense!

I will be neutral but honest. I think I will use what OffDownTheGarden suggested :)