Something's missing

[Skyliner]

Firstly, I joined MN months ago with a view to posting this but decided against it after reading a few threads where the anti-male lynch mob mentality prevails. But I need advice so I hope I can phrase this problem in a way that doesn't antagonise anyone. This is a really long post, sorry.

I love my wife, she is my best friend. We get each other. We have lots of in-jokes, lots of little sayings and habits that are probably pretty annoying to everyone else but they give us pleasure. We don't argue or row but we bicker in a good natured and knowing way about silly things. We have never had "make up" sex because we've never had to.

I think you get the picture.

What's wrong is that we haven't had sex in over a year. Not just full sex but we don't even snog or anything.

In that time my wife has put on a lot of weight and now I struggle to find her body sexually attractive. I know that's somewhat shallow but I can't control what turns me on. She can still flash me a smile and have a glint in her eye that that makes my tummy go funny (but not other areas of my body). Also, to be fair, I've put weight on too and I'm not feeling that great about my body at the moment. But for me it's just man boobs and a bit of a belly and I'm tall which helps. My sexual confidence has never been that high in any case as I was a very late starter and only have a small to average sized penis.

So right now I know that my wife could be feeling horny but won't try and initiate sex with me because she's lost her confidence. I won't try and initiate sex with her because I've lost my confidence and don't find her (physically) attractive. And part of me thinks that if I was any good at sex my wife would be more inclined to initiate, ergo I must be crap in bed.

The easy and obvious answer is for us both to lose weight but are there deeper issues at play? Shouldn't we able to talk about this stuff if we're as close as I described above?

I think we both like being this contented couple who are best friends and have a great life (apart from the sex) and we struggle to reconcile this with also being sexual beings.

I'm just rambling now so i'll put this out there and see what happens.

Thanks for listening MN.

usually wives go off sex because of lack of communication/warmth/love. In your case it's there so all's not lost. You can try and do some new physical activity TOGETHER, that's the usual advice, so that you can both lose weight AND get elated/endorphines flying scenario, which does very often work to bring attraction back on phys.level. Try cycling, long walks (preferrably as a break over the weekend) or jogging or something. Maybe get a personal trainer for the couple. See what happens, I don't think there is a deeper issue, just lack of bodily confidence.

Or you could try penis enlargement?

Hi op,
Why not just the two of you get more active, go the neatest sports centre and begin swimming for eg,the exercise and the partial nakedness may help? Try suggesting or encouraging a healthier lifestyle with food and make it something you do together, and tell her that you don't feel sexual because of your weight-gain and then she wont feel your wanting her to loose weight and won't make her feel bad, and hopefully she will suggest you do it together as it will be her way of supporting you?

Sex burns calories, OP. And someone has to initiate. Presumably you'd perform all right, once you got started, would you?

As I have got older, I realise that in my youth and early middle age, during sex the firmness of my own body was a turn on to me, and a turn on that it turned him on, even if I was overweight. As I've got saggier and softer, not so much, for me, though sagginess didn't seem to bother partner. I don't know what it's like to be a man, it's said you lot are more visually turned on, but how about focussing on touch, shutting your eyes, and making love to your partner as if her bod was how it used to be, while of course making love to her as she, the inner her, is now?

Hey op,

Maybe your DW doesn't find your body a turn on or maybe she think's it's not really worth it because she can't feel you.

Just a thought,why don't you try talking too her.

If you get each other than you are on to a very good start.There is hope!

However it sounds like the lack of sex only bothers you in a theoretical sense. It's perfectly ok not to have sex for ages ( weeks.months, years) if that suits you both.
Does it suit you both? If you are otherwise happy, does it matter.

If it matters, both of you losing weight would be a good start.
I completely sympathise with not fancying your fat partner, by the way . ( that seems to go for both of you )

Oh some expected scathing one liners.

OP you need to talk to her but you need to be gentle (you seem to be a nice guy from your post). You need to think about how you would like her to tell you that she isn't physically attracted to you because of the weight gain.

Personally I would avoid being that direct - words are like bullets - you can't take them back.

Find a different route, maybe tell her you are concerned about your health, and you would like her to help you get healthier?? To build her confidence, find a way of telling her regularly that she is beautiful (without being tooooo cheesy).

Best of luck x

Oh you have attracted some of the insecure, let's shoot down everything male posters. How sad.

You've had some good advice about exercising together, maybe going to classes together. Etc.