my family

[crestico]

right i need some advice please - i'll try to keep this short

my wife and my family do not get along.

my sister was insanely horrible to my wife for no reason almost to the point of driving her to suicide. we've sucessfully cut her out of our lives over a number of years but my parents have never made it easy and we've lost a lot of respect for them during the course of it. problem was, when we didn't invite her to our wedding my stupid parents allowed her to come anyway and refused to get rid of her. we paid for our wedding, and she almost ruined our day. we didn't talk to my parents for almost 5months.

my dad is spineless so and so, and panders to my mum's every want and need, and my mum has decided that she no longer likes my wife - again for no reason other than we ignored them for a long time. my wife would never make me choose between her and them, but i know she's desperate to cut them out of our lives for good.

we've tried ignoring them but they always seem to weasel their way back in.
wife recently had DD1 and it's all starting up again. my parents want to be involved in their (first) grand daughter's life, but my wife is dead-set against it.

I'm finding it very hard to ignore their requests for info etc, and it's starting arguments between my wife and i again. problem is, they're my parents you know?

help?

In the marriage vows you leave one family to start a new family unit
Your wife comes first, when she is happy that she does really come first she may begin to soften towards your parents.
When you do make contact I think you need to be very clear about not getting involved with your sister due to past problems.
Good luck,

You can send them pictures. If they want to see their grand child they should apologise and be gracious towards yours wife.

Tolerate no (and I don't think you would) toxic behaviour.

If they won't practise good manners, cut contact. Easier said then done though.

What happens when your mum decides she "no longer likes" your dd? What will you do then?

I'm guessing they haven't made a genuine apology to your wife (for the things they did, not 'sorry you were upset') and promised to treat her with respect in future?

It sounds like the only reason they are trying to regain contact with you is because you have something that they want (a baby). Rather than because they love you and your family, want to spend time with all of you and regret how they behaved before. Your wife isn't the brood-mare, she is an essential part of your family. They can't be involved in their granddaughter's life without being involved in their DIL's life too.

I think you need to show your wife who is most important to you.

Tell your parents that they will be changing their act if they want a relationship with their grandchild/ren.

Tell your wife that you still care for your parents, and will be involving them in your life at your discretion, and DD is a big part of that life.

no there has been no heartfelt (or even token/fake) apology because they are so headstrong/stubborn and never admit when they are wrong. my wife says the exact same thing about DD -- that they only want to use us to see her. i dont know, could be...

i've told them many times that they need to make things right or this is going to fester and they're never going to meet their granddaughter- and still they're not doing anything to make things better.

oh well my mum says they're going to send us some things in the post (we live quite far away from them) but that's hardly and apology is it?

wife knows she's my number one, but understandably this whole thing annoys and stresses her out a lot. just wanted some help/advice and outside opinions on this all really, thank you so far for the inputs

Have you read the 'stately homes' thread at all? Are your parents in there?

Your DW just gave you a child. She also gave your parents a GC. She is owed respect for that at the very least.

It is very obvious your parents want to see DD. It is also obvious imo that this is the only reason they are in contact now and I think you need to recognise this. I know they are your parents but you are in danger of being in denial here (you don't entirely accept that your parents only want to see DD and possibly you), which will make your DW feel even more alienated.

DW and DD are your priority now. Your parents can only continue like this if you let them. Respect and politeness is well overdue, no negotiation.

Otherwise, you can of course continue to see them alone as their son.

haven't read the stately homes thread - just started - it's like someone has been spying on my life or something, i can totally see my mum in many of the things and examples covered there.

yeah, going to have to read up on this more... it's just so hard to cut them out completely, my wife says its like they hav some sort of guilt trip hold over me or something

...probably just so used to being controlled and at their mercy...(!)

I'm glad you're looking at Stately Homes. but also and

From the little you've written here, crestico, I'd already jumped to the conclusion that your mum is some kind of sociopath - probably narcissistic/histrionic, as those two are favoured in women - and it's going to take some getting your head around. In my experience, and that of many others on here, there's an awful sense of living in a film named "The Dawn Of Horror" or some such, followed by a massive sense of relief as your life starts to make more sense than it ever has before.

Sounds as though your sister inherited the gene but you've escaped. Congrats! Do post if you need to; lots of us have read "Toxic Parents" and other books we never thought we wanted - it's really worth it :)

Yeah, they do have a guilt-trip hold - have you seen outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/FOG.html yet? Fog stands for Fear, Obligation, Guilt ... ringing any bells?