Selfishness!!

[mich077]

Ok, I'm a 37 year old with two beautiful children and divirced in 2009.Within this time I met a 35 year old male who was also going through divorce at the time we met! However..his circumstances were very different to mine and it wasn't his choice to leave his marriage it was his wife's choice - all because of his behavior and infidelity. My marriage broke down because of my husbands abusive behavior and infidelity. So as you gather I walked away from my ex knowing it was something necer wanted to go back to and i had fallen out of love with him, my partner wasn't over his ex.I understood this at the time (2 years 9 months ago) and was fully aware he still neeeed the time to get over it. So within the first 18 months she was in and out of his life unsure of wether or not she had made the right decision. He then obviously would call time on us and within a few weeks we'd be back on again!! After she finally tOld him it was over and she needed to mOve on as she knew it was never going to work he then decides that he needed more time on his own to process all of this and think about all what had happened. He came back to me telling me he wanted to be with me and the children. So we spend time together involving the children. He tells me in sept he is committed to me. I sensed over the next few months there was still something not right and that he always had a foot out of the door..just through his behavior. So it's been rocky and then BANG!! on 31 Dec 11 I find an email he had sent his ex wife saying he was finding it hard to get over her and move on and that if it was what she wanted they coukd be together anywhere she chose, abroad or the UK. She replies telling him he had treated her so bad in the relationship etc that she couldn't go back to him and that she had net someone and was moving on. She also said she couldn't give him what he was looking for (he is very very needy, very needy!!) She told him to never contact her again and to move on with his life. He replied saying ok I understand and at least now I can move on with my life one way or another. I was heartbroken and obviously went mad at him. His reason was he felt vulnerable at that moment and because she had sent a birthday message to him a few months before it started a thought in his head of 'I wonder if she wants me back' He's had a bad upbringing but feels he is better than most and as his ex was a glamorous trophy wife I just feel that's the life he'd prefer. I'm a genuine person without an ounce of shallowness in me! Anyway since finding the email it's been hard and I asked him a question about who he was emailing a few days ago and he flipped and decided to walk away from our relationship telling me he needs to reflect on all of this. He's apologized for the way he's treated me and apologized for the email etc etc.
He's been good to the children and they love him dearly. His last contact with me said he felt undervalued and that I never show any credit for how he is with my children. we have shared good times together and I still love him.
Ok - hit me with it!!

but this time you DID know. you knew he was still in love with his ex. you knew he left you and went back to her whenever she wanted and you still continued.

the counselling would be to help you work out why on earth you put up with that and what you need to address in yourself to make sure you never put up with that kind of treatment again or let a man like that into your children's lives again.

I also sanction what Santa says, go to councilling, do some work on yourself to find out why you settle for crumbs when you should be having the whole damn loaf!

A year went by were by she was out of the picture after saying it was over to the 31 Dec and me finding the email. I'm not making excuses for him. It's not as simple as oh just walk away when you love someone - there were obviously good times and happy days that we spent together. I think it's possible to have feelings for an ex and I think it's possible to change. I believe to this day he never slept with her..it was just contact but yeah deep stuff within the emails. My ex had an affair and I list all respect for him working a matter of months and with my two children I left and I was dragged through the courts when he was fighting for a FULL residence order and he and his family yelling court welfare officers a whole load of lies and emotionally blackmailing my little one and manipulating. I'm a strong person and don't put up with crap for the sake of it. So all the message about I NEED counselling are harsh!!! I'll bounce back I'm sure, just as I did from my ex having an affair and the horrific court ordeal. Sometimes you can't help who you fall in love with and it's harder to walk away than people just saying it.

"He's had a bad upbringing but feels he is better than most and as his ex was a glamorous trophy wife I just feel that's the life he'd prefer. I'm a genuine person without an ounce of shallowness in me! "

Badly worded then

Of course it's not easy when you love the guy, but he has shown you repeatedly he would go back to her if she snapped her fingers.

Do you really want to accept that you'll never match up to her and it's only her slap-down rejection of his advances that made him stop chasing her (for now). If she turned round and encouraged him again, what do you think would happen?

There's no weakness in needing counselling - especially when you've been through a lot, as it seems you have. It's not what you want to hear and maybe it isn't necessary. But it seems to me you are willing to accept short measures from this guy and you ought to examine why that is, imo. Apart from that 'but I love him' refrain.

You want to hear he can change and maybe he can, but the evidence so far is that she could beckon and he'd go running.

We often have a "type" and many women go from one abusive or cheating or gambling or drinking man to another of the same. Cheating men tend to be very attractive and charming (otherwise they wouldnt find anyone willing to have affairs with them!), they are flattering and make you feel good about yourself. Perhaps you fall for this type.

Thats why I said I think you need counselling. You got away from one cheating liar, only to end up with another, and one that you genuinely knew was a cheat right from the start.

Yes people can change, but it is rare and they have to want to change themselves, not because someone else wants them to. I very much doubt that his wife kicked him out after just one incident, you said his "cheating and behaviour". So if he wouldnt change to save the marriage to the woman he desperately wants back, he wont change for you.

I really do think that counselling would be helpful for you, but if you are determined that he will change and will choose a committed relationship with you, despite his history and him making it clear he is only with you because she doesnt want him, then go for it. But if that is the case, I am at a loss as to why you posted!

You've been told by the vast majority that you are being taken for a ride and being treated badly. What are you going to do with that information?

I am constantly cross confused by this "but I love him" thing. Surely you shouldn't love someone who is not good to you, if you think about it, it doesn't make any sense whatsoever. Love for a child, yes, this is unconditional but love for another person that treats you like shit, no.

OP, your self esteem needs to be worked on and councilling is a bloody good way to begin this process.

You see it a lot on Germany Kyle

I understand and I have been through counselling!! CBT. Wow that helped eh?! I agree with all the posts and it's great getting opinions..which I might add are the same! I've done myself proud with no contact today!!! Haha

Ah it's so easy for us all to say why would you love someone that treats you bad. If it was so simple then there'd be a hell of alot of people walking away from their relationships/marriages!! And people (I'm not saying he will here!) do change.

You've been way too forgiving and understanding. He's run rings around you and has only thought of himself. You've come out of a crap marriage that ended because of infidelity and as a result your benchmark for a 'better' relationship is one where he isn't exactly 'cheating' he just hasn't got over his ex and would choose to be with her instead, given half the chance
Please don't think so little of yourself that you'll put up with it. And I say that as someone who also went from a relationship I ended because of his infidelity to one where he hadn't got over his ex.

He spent the first couple of years of our relationship contacting her and measuring me against her until my esteem was shot to pieces and I'd have put up with anything (believe me I did too!). I thought I was being understanding and 'modern' when really I was being a doormat. He never gave any thought to how I felt, just pursued his own wants and needs. I'm getting my life back slowly but it's been hard, especially with two kids under 3 but at least it is MY life and not the life he created for me.

The bottom line is: you deserve someone who treats you how you want to be treated. You deserve love, respect and someone who puts your needs on a par with their own.

Well he's quite happy to walk away from you. Again and again and again.

What you need is to value yourself enough to say, actually, it's not ok and it will hurt like hell to do this to myself, but by god, I deserve more than to be sloppy seconds.

Incidentally, why does he refer to her as his trophy wife, says he basically bought her with trinkets etc and all that implies....but told her he would move across the world if she said so, just to be with her?

I think he doth protest too much. He is trying to convince you that he doesnt love and her and wanted a trophy wife, when in fact he loved her and still loves her very much.

Ah it's so easy for us all to say why would you love someone that treats you bad. If it was so simple then there'd be a hell of alot of people walking away from their relationships/marriages!! And people (I'm not saying he will here!) do change.

Yes, it is easy with a health attitude. In fact it's the norm in my book.

There are also a lot of people crushed and unhappy in their marriages/relationships due to them not valuing themselves enough to walk away.

When are you going to get it into your head OP that he won't change for you?

I can't help but think that the 'trophy wife' comments are to make you feel insecure. I've only got my own experience to go on here but my ex used to go on about how he only dated beautiful women before me and when I was trying to lose weight he'd say things like 'so glad you're not like my ex: she was so slim' etc not to make me feel better, but done in a way to make me feel unattractive.

The selfishness in this scenario is coming from you op. He's a prick, for sure. But you, you want him despite him wanting her, you want him for your kids, for god only knows what sort of role model. This is entirely about you.

@ 'Germany Kyle'
Is that a European version of a certain trashy talk show?

he's only not slept with her because she wouldn't let him.

and no you haven't bounced back, you've gone into another bad relationship and been treated awfully again.

if you can't wake up for you wake up for your children so they're not passed through a succession of men who use their mother and them like a disposable commodity.

" He is trying to convince you that he doesnt love and her and wanted a trophy wife, when in fact he loved her and still loves her very much."

But, we should add, not enough to stop cheating on her and whatever else it was that she couldn't put up with.

I really don't understand why you pursued a relationship with this bellend in the first place, let alone why you have spent so much time and effort on it. Are you utterly desperate not to be single? It doesn;t sound as though he was remotely worth having in the first place.

You fell in love with the image of the man you thought he could become. In doing so you ignored the reality of the man he actually is.

It's like falling in love with a run-down cottage because it's in a lovely spot, look at what the garden could be, the whole place has got so much character! So you tried to fix his gutters and sort out his roof, forgave him when his sewer backed up and ignored the wind rattling through his broken windows. You tried and tried but you never really made progress. But the vision - ah, what this place could be!

But deep down his foundations are fucked, his walls are made of spit and shit and he's never going to keep the rain off your head. He's a dud. Turn your back and walk away. Don't buy a shit-heap thinking it's a fixer-upper. Get someone who is already sorted.

'People can change - learning from mistakes'... Sure but unlikely I'm afraid. Can't think of anyone I know who has changed that dramatically.
I used to think my ex could change.... he became my ex when I dragged my head down from the clouds. You get what you settle for don't you? Why is someone who was only offering a certain level of fidelity in the first place ever suddenly offer more?
I am confused as to why you have been attracted to someone so similar to your ex?! (Sorry haven't read all posts yet)...

Mich077, how many chances are you going to give him before your heart is so broken it?s difficult to recover from? I don?t believe he?ll ever be over her and if she ever changes her mind and contacts him he?ll be doing this all over again. I think you?ve been too understanding of his needs over yours for too long, and it?s time to call the shots. Maybe you need some time to ?reflect??then tell him to f* off! However, you can?t help who you fall in love with, even if they are no good, so I can?t see an easy way out of this messy love triangle until you realise for yourself what posters are saying.

Snorbs, I love your anology! I?ve had a few run down cottages in my time too. Sod ?em!

even if he gets over her it won't mean he's suddenly in love with and committed to you. he'll go after someone else who isn't 'second best' and a doormat already. he has used you in this interim. sorry but yes you need to wake up.

This is love? This is what you'd want for your children? Why are you putting up with this crap?

In this case it isn't even leave the fucker it's why on earth did you start with the fucker?

Did you think you could fix him?