Would you attend this function for in laws?

[fufflebum]

Have been invited to 50th wedding anniversary in the Summer for in laws. We have a somewhat 'difficult' relationship especially since DC have been born. They are quite prickly people who have certain expectations of behaviour and we see each other about twice each year.

There is always a hassle, usually an atmosphere and we tend to visit because it is expected. They both say they 'love' the grandchildren but when we visit never want to go anywhere with them or rarely play ( last time we walked around a cemetary as there was no where else for kids to let off steam!) To visit involves a flight (1 hr ) and car hire and hotel stay as they live in a flat. This is obvious expense.

We attended an event last year for one of the couple and it was quite difficult. The timing of this event is mid August, an evening event on a Thursday. This is to fit in with DH brother (Thurs and evening). Our kids have always had a routine in the evening and TBH kids are knackered by 7 and we are getting them ready for bed about time the event starts. I feel sad about not going as it would prevent DC seeing their cousins (who live away), but am realistic about what it would be like.

Having been to one last year I feel we do not have to attend every celebration. DH feels we should as we would 'stick out' as being the only people not to attend. However historically they have rarely visited us (choosing brother/their kids over visitis to us) did not visit when both kids were born until one was 13 months, and other things.

Just wanted to canvas opinion. I see that morally we should go but am fed up taking moral stance when tbh they never seem to bother and have lots of expectations but never see themselves as having any responsibilities. TBH I have talked about it so much now I am really not sure what we should do.

If we went it would be because we feel we 'should' do not because we want to and it would cost money that would be better spent elsewhere. It would also be a lot of money for an event that we could attend for a very brief time due to ages of the kids.

Sorry it is so long.....

Why doesn't your DH go on his own?

Yes, I vote for CailinDana's token "family representative" idea. They sound very indifferent and not worth alot of effort especially where the DCs are concerned.

yep, send DH on his own.

You say that "morally" you should go - no, this isn't a moral issue. You've been invited to a party. You get to choose whether to say yes or no.

Would any of these do?

"So sorry, we'd have loved to have come but we've got something else on, have a lovely time and do send us some photos"

"No, we can't make it, but thankyou for inviting us"

"Money is a bit tight at the moment, so it will just be dh coming. Can you put him up in your flat, and collect him from the airport, to save on hotel and car hire? No? Oh well, never mind then, have a lovely time and do send us some photos"

And for their next "visit" - invite them to visit you (and stay in a hotel, and ferry themselves around in a hired car, obv). If they don't want to come you can just say "never mind then, let us know when you do want to come" and the ball is in their court.

It sounds like a big deal not to go to the IL's golden wedding (if I understood you right) if you are not estranged from them. Sounds like BIL is going so your absence will probably be clear. If you don't care about that and having to explain for the rest of your lives why you didn't go, don't go. Your reasons for not going sound a bit bleh tbh, (the kids will be tired) and very unlikely to avoid raised eyebrows when you tell people why you're not going.

Can you get the kids to stay at yours with friends/your family? Can you stay with friends/OH's family at the party location to save money? What are other guests doing about their kids?

If you don't want to go, just don't go but a golden wedding is kind of a big family deal and I would imagine your ILs would be hurt if you didn't go.

As its a 50th wedding anniversary then you should probably go. Is the location somewhere you can perhaps spend the weekend as a holiday, rent a cottage rather than staying in a hotel?

As the event is being specifically arranged around BILs availability, could DH not ask if it could be at a time more convenient for your DCs ?

i vote go. it would be seen as a huge diss and would worsen the relationship that you have with the grandparents of yr children

few hours out of your life for more family harmony.

I think I'd try and go if I could due to the nature of the event.

Re your comment about a previous event being in the evening. I think most parties and events do tend to be in the evening - understand that it's not easy if you have LO's but this seems fairly standard to me. Apart from that they do sound pretty difficult/unreasonable, etc.

Does your BIL have to fly in too? Why is this all arranged to fit in with him, and without your family logistics in mind?

If they wanted to make sure you'd come, they'd not make it mid week, seeing as they are not seemingly celebrating on THE actual anniversary date.

This is no different to a wedding, if you afford to attend, if you want to go, go, if not, then don't.

I also have these dilemmas with family who live a flight/ferry journey away and involve hotel/cottage stay. We tend to plan one big trip each year - big meaning weekend in hotel with hire car or week in cottage (often further out so family come to our cottage for big family meal).

We plan this annual trip around any event like BILs 50th and incorporate the event and the holiday into our holiday plan/budget for the year. Anything else we miss and send apologies. I then switch off from the upset this causes and pretend I don't know that they're all talking about how funny/ignorant/up ourselves they think we are.

You can't always please family all the time, so you have to work out what's right for you/your budget and stick to it regardless of how they feel. I think in our case we could go to everything and it still wouldn't be enough.

If this is really going to be tough financially, I second suggestion to send DH on own. At least you have a presence then and explain that 1 flight/1 nights hotel is all you can manage right now.

The golden wedding anniversary of your dh's dps is a biggy and, IMO, it would be extremely ill-mannered for you to absent yourself from the event.

As suggested, why not offset some of the cost by combining your attendance with a vacation in the area and, as it's August with light evenings and school holidays, you can surely alter your dcs' routine for a few days either side of the night so that they can stay up later than usual.

It'll be another 10 years until your iILs' 60th by which time they may not be around and your non-attendance at their 50th may well become a matter of guilt and regret for your dh, if not yourself, at some future point.

it sounds like kind of a big deal - a birthday (or whatever) I would skip, but for golden wedding anniv with whole extended family (presumably?) I would go, and would make arrangements so that the DC could be there (is their routine really that rigid?) and then not go to the next few events, pleading poverty due to big visit for wedding anniv, IYSWIM.

I think it would be fine for just your dh to go if it's a plane journey away. I went on my own to my dad's 70th birthday/parents' 25th anniversary big party and nobody thought it remotely strange that we didn't all go. Okay, we are a 7 hour plane journey away so it's a bit different. But then again my parents are excellent in-laws and grandparents and my dh loves them, so they deserve more effort made than your in-laws.

thanks for replies.

DH is of the opinion of majority here that we should go as we would stick out by not going.

The event is mid week to fit in with BIL who is renting a cottage nearby (sat-saturday). He can catch a ferry to visit, whereas we have to fly or face 12/13 hr drive.

We attended 70th bday last year. This year is significant bday for me and also my father (Aug and Sept) and as we celebrated pil 70th last year I want to celebrate my dads this year.

If we say we are not going we will be more outcast than already and I know that using these explanations will not go down well, they are very centred on themselves and their own situation IYSWIM.

We have arranged to meet up in Spring at holiday park (we are s/catering and they are staying in hotel) but the expectation if for us to ferry them back and forth to airport and provide all meals. There is never any concession for us or the kids they are quite rigid in their expectations.

I know I will feel bad if we do not go but quite frankly would rather spend the money and time doing stuff with our immediate family (DH and DC) and not there. I have tried to build bridges with them but TBH they have been really unkind since DC have been born are full of expectations of us and yet do not see that grandparent/grandchild relationships are two way things.

I agree with you on this op. They sound useless and odd. In your position, I'd be telling you dh to go on without you.
Put your foot down with him and say that if they're not prepared to put any quality time into a relationship with their grandkids, they're not worth much and you're not going to spend your time fetching and carrying for them.

As for them using you depending on you for all meals while they're staying in a hotel, give me a break! I think you've already put up with far too much from them. There will be no medals you know, for going out on a limb for these people....

If you go to dp's parents golden wedding, does that mean you don't get to celebrate your dad's 70th? Or just don't have the money to celebrate it as you wanted? If so, then you're putting the ILs before your parents just because the ILs make more fuss. Which isn't on. Tell your dad to start making a fuss and see what you dh thinks then ...

As for ferrying them to the airport and cooking for them - they don't do that for you when you visit them, do they? Tell them that you can't do it, this time. Tell them that you know they won't mind, as they never do it for you.

And you don't need them to make "concessions" for you and the children - you just need to learn to say NO. No, that doesn't work for us. No, we won't be doing that. No, we don't want to.

At the moment you're bending over backwards for them and they are being totally self-absorbed and giving nothing back. If you stand up for yourselves they will be cross with you. Does that matter? It's not like it's going to spoil a good relationship, is it?

I would normally say that a golden wedding is a very big deal and that you all should go. As you have then said you've already been to a 70th (or two, not quite sure) and that your own DF has a significant b-day, as do you, then I would either just send DH or none of you go.

You have already done your duty and your DF shouldn't come second to your PILs as would be the case, you are saying.

I think they don't appear to consider you very much anyway, so how much worse could it be if you don't go?

IMO they only want you there to have the set IYSWIM. Your presence or absence isnt about you it's about them. They dont want you there they want a full house, if you arent then they will be concerned about how it reflects on them not why you arent there.

My PiL celebrated their golden wedding while we were living abroad. Recognising that a number of people attending would be quite old or quite young they went for a lunchtime event. Also they held it at a weekend so that the maximum number of people could attend. Not at mid week to meet the needs of just one person.

In your situation I wouldnt bother going. If your DH wants to then he could go but TBH these people dont sound like they are worth spending your or your DC's time on.

If they're as toxic as you describe, why have you arranged to be their skivvy meet up with them in the spring?

Can you not say that as having a spring break will leave you with little financial room to manoeuvre come August, you'll have to miss out on their anniversary.

It might smooth ruffled feathers soften the blow if you treat them to a slap up lunch during the spring break as an early celebration - take lots of photos of you all having a gruesome good time so that they can flash them around at their event.

If you've got some spare readies why not send them lifesize cut outs of you and the dc to grace their anniversary table?

Thanks for replies again.

We have had a letter today confirming Thurs evening event, and excusing us if 'it will be too much stress or hassle for the children and (if we) would prefer not to come'.

This means we can now apologise for not coming but interesting wording I feel!!!

I am wondering whether it is as thegrimgardener says that we make up the 'set' and it is about how it appears to everyone else not really about us. MIL is very much for how things 'appear' to others.

Suggestions of paying for a meal when we are meeting in April seems a good suggestion too.