Not certain how to resolve this cycle

[LonelyToday]

Namechanged for this. DH has a new-ish job, very senior, a lot of responsibility. He's been doing it for about 5 months, and is really bogged down with work at the moment (12 hour days, working weekends).

I feel really sorry for how busy he is, and we chat often about time management techinques that could relieve some of the stress. I always listen to him as I know he needs to offload and to get it out of his system when he's home.

However, whenever we go through these periods of stress for him (his previous jobs had similar challenges), it does get to the point where I am supporting, supporting, supporting, yet I turn into his figurative punching bag - everything that is annoying him is my fault. I don't understand how difficult his job is. Nice life for some who can just sit at home all day. These kind of phrases hurt particularly as I'm having a difficult time re-entering the workplace and finding a job for the very reason that I've spent the last 3.5 years as a SAHM raising our DS, and am therefore bottom of the employability heap in the current economic climate.

It's like because we are married, it gives him carte blanche to say and do what he likes because it's "for better or for worse". Even when he's not venting at me, work is all he talks about, and when I try to raise subjects that aren't related to what he's doing, he brushes them off with phrases like "I don't have time to think about that now" and "that's REALLY just not a priority for me at the moment". It leaves me feeling like everything else in our life, including what I might have going on, and issues with DS, just aren't worthy of his attention.

I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has been through this, or is going through it. Do you just suck it up and roll with it because you know that stressful period is finite? Do you confront the issue and have a massive, enormous row about it in the hopes that it will clear the air? Or do you just sulk a bit, as I am inclined to do at the moment - a choice made all the more easier simply because I'm feeling so down about it all.

Any help would be appreciated!

It sounds like he has very little respect for you. You should never be someone else's "punchbag" no matter how stressed they are. If my DH said I had it "easy" staying at home and that my life wasn't his priority I would seriously consider whether he actually had any regard for me at all.

If you tried to talk to him about this what would his reaction be?

I know this isn't constructive, and I apologise for it, but I would be tempted to say "Just when will I and the dc REALLY be a priority for you?"

Hopefully someone will be along with better suggestions for you.

There's a lot of misunderstanding about that "for better, for worse" bit. I take it to mean "when times get rough we pull together", not "even if you treat me like shit". Unfortunately XH didn't see it the same way. Hence the X.

You are keeping the home fires burning for him while he's out hunting lions or whatever big men do (if you were a cruel person you could say that it doesn't take a big man to push a pen all day, but you're not like him so putting your partner down is not on your agenda). Would he really be less stressed if he were to come home one day to find you had taken DS off to your mother's until further notice because you've had enough of being undervalued and shouted at? If he didn't have anyone at home doing some (I'm guessing all) of the chores, minding his child and listening to his problems he'd have to employ and supervise a housekeeper, a nanny and a counsellor at the very least. You're not only cheaper than servants, you're doing your best, in this difficult economic climate, to get a job so you can contribute to the household costs as well! And you actually care about the miserable bugger. I think that calls for a bit of humble gratitude on his part.

He:

• brings home the bacon
• puts you down
• insults you
• demeans you
• ignores or belittles your concerns

You:
-listen
-commiserate
-advise
-empathise
-raise a child single-handedly
-are looking to contribute to the household financially too

• are hurt, repeatedly
• yet are still trying to make things work.

He's a tosser.

You're amazing.

The two of you are clearly mismatched. I suggest you set him free.

Thanks for your replies. As much as I would like to paint him as the bastard (and possibly I already have), the reality is that we are the most important people in the world to him, and he frequently tells us that. He just gets into these funks when the workload gets too big to manage. It's like he's in the headspace where it's all he can think about, and he resents anyone intruding. Like I said, I know that it doesn't last for ages, but it's just hard when we'd going through it.

He never shouts at me by the way - it's more detachment than anything else. He does, however, get snippy when I ask what he considers to be stupid questions.

I should also clarify that whilst I've been at home with DS, his now currently in pre-school full time in order to allow me to take a job with whatever part time hours I can get (rather than having to find a job tailored around the nursery hours he does), and then we will adjust his hours around my role.

xposted.

"the reality is that we are the most important people in the world to him, and he frequently tells us that."

...what do his actions say?

In fact, I think that's the bit he resents the most - that I'm NOT looking after DS at the moment. I think he thinks I spend all day wandering around museums, reading books by the river, and swanning off to lunch. The reality is closer to food shopping, clothes washing, tidying toys away, etc, etc. And when I'm not doing that, I'm job hunting/applying for roles. Don't get me wrong, I'm not some kind of saint, and as I have the time, I do sometimes MN, email, etc, and maybe once every two weeks, I have lunch with this one good friend of mine (who may also be a potential employer). I'm equally frustrated about not having a job as I'm going a bit stir crazy and getting really bored without DS around.

But other than that, I'm really careful with money, I don't squander, I rarely buy stuff for myself, so I figure at least I'm not unemployed AND wasteful!!

puppy he spends time in the morning playing with DS, and again puts him to bed if he's home in time. When he's "normal" (just trying to distinguish between average-stressed DH and unusually-highly-stressed DH), then he thanks me for all the hard work I do around the house. Again, "normal" DH is very supportive of my job hunt, helps me with applications and CV's.

I think I should just stress again - the kind of behaviour he exhibits during these short (+/- 2-3 weeks) bursts of stress are very atypical for him. The rest of the time he's NOTHING like this. It's like the cortisol is turning him from DR Jekyll to Mr Hyde!

What would happen if you tried to tell him that maybe the role is too senior for him if he struggles so much that he cannot even for a moment think about domestic issues, your issues or the issues of your child?

It sounds to me that he is trying to wear boots that are maybe a tad too big for him.

Why are you justifying yourself? Do you think he would be entitled to treat you like an emotional punchbag, and ignoring yours and DS's concerns, if you were lying on a couch all day eating bonbons?

quint actually, ironically, the opposite almost is true. He's massively talented, and is incredibly, naturally good at what he does - he's very efficient and I think his only weakness in terms of time management (as we've talked about it) is that he worries about emails building up and tends to try to deal with those as and when they come in, even when they aren't necessarily important and when I think they should wait till an allocated time every day so that he can create a good chunk of time, undistracted, to focus on his work.

I think if I'm honest, it's not really about him, but about the fact that the role itself is just that little bit too big for one person, and should really be split down a bit more, but that's not really something you can say to your boss when you're still in probabation!!

Yes, exactly - it has nothing to do with it. He needs to take it somewhere else. Stress relief and meditation and maybe down-sizing at work, not grinding down his loyal DW.

puppy no, of course not! I guess I'm just used to justifying myself. If roles were reversed, and I was working as hard as DH is whilst he was at home, no child in sight, I'd also want to know what he'd been doing all day...

I guess I'm just trying to make it as clear as possible that he's NOT like this for 45 weeks of the year.

What are you willing to accept for the remaining 7 weeks?

Well, that was kind of my question to begin with! Do I just let it wash over my like water off a duck's back because I know it's not actually about me at all? Or do I get feisty and shouty and demand better behaviour (a la DS ) and therefore create a far worse atmosphere in the house?

What does your gut say?

(also: How could you demand better behaviour without getting shouty, if it's the thought of being shouty that's keeping you from asking for what you want?)

My gut says suck it up because the rest of the time he's great. I just wish these periods would pass faster, and I wish he could take off his work blinkers and realise that, whilst his work IS very important both to him and to us as a couple, it doesn't have to be the be all and end all every waking moment.

He struggles to switch off, that's his problem. His brain just thinks and thinks about all he still has to do.

Sigh.

Maybe I'll be brave and show him this thread just to give him a bit of perspective. Although I suspect I'm not THAT brave! Thank you though, puppy.

I don't think you should let it wash over you or get shouty. I think you should sit down, calmly, with your DH and explain all of what you've said here to him. That you love him dearly, and think he's great, but when he gets stressed at work he can become quite moody and snappy and that it makes you feel unhappy and pushed out of his life. And see what his response is.

My DH gets quite a lot of headaches, which I am very sympathetic about, but he used to be awful when he had one - snappy, silent, just plain annoying. I just told him that I understood he was in pain but that wasn't an excuse for him to be rude to anyone, least of all his own family. He was surprised at how much it affected me and actually since then his headaches have reduced quite a lot. I think to a certain extent he was using the headaches as an excuse to "check out" of dealing with things at home. Now he's more likely to say he's in a bad mood and needs some space which I am perfectly fine with, everyone's entitled to that.

I don't think there is any reason to shout. In the moment, when he gets snippy, Just simply state, "I am your wife, your partner in life. I understand you are stressed but I do not deserve to be spoken to that way. Treat me with the same respect you want to be treated with." and leave it at that. If he continues, walk away from him. Just set boundaries about what you will allow and not allow. Force him to understand through your actions that under no circumstance will you allow yourself to be treated poorly.

I am one to talk. I've been in couseling for a long time learning to set boundaries with my "D"H. It is one thing to know what to do - another to put it in practice.

He needs to learn to deal with the stress.
Treating you as a punching bag is not an acceptable way or the only way to do that.
Especially as from what you say in later posts, it's not the newness but the size of the job that is the cause of the stress, so it's not likely to go away soon.
Tell him he needs to find an alternative method of stress relief and see how he reacts.
Just because he's the breadwinner for the time being doesn't mean you have to suck it up indefinitely or at all.

May be the middle way is to hang in til his probation period is over and he feels able to relax into his new job? In the meantime keep a watch on how he is managing his time, how much he is bringing home from the office. Tell him that you would like to discuss how job is affecting family life and suggest a date to do that, then you have some facts re what you feel could be done differently ie he agrees to step away from emails etc at weekends and certain evenings and can tell the office that is what he is doing.
Think of it like your family's hr review of the job. A bit business like but could help?

Sorry I hadn't been back, namechanged back to my normal name so had to name change again!

Thanks so much everyone for your practical ideas - they sound really helpful and are definitely things to consider. I agree struwel that once he's passed his probation, then we need to have an agreement about his working hours. I know things will be better come the end of January, but then I know things will be worse again come March as there's something massive happening then, and then again in August. I guess I need to use the time in between to reinforce that there's only so much one person (i.e. him) can do and that he needs to set boundaries with his boss and colleagues.

Going to sign off now as Lonely - thanks again for all your help.