Am I being irrational or is DP a lazy b@$t@rd?

[vAnnoyed]

Long emotional rant: I?ve changed my name for this.
Perhaps it?s because I?m due in two weeks so maybe I?m being a bit irrational and emotional, but right now I am so angry with DP. DP is a very ?laid back? person and I am generally the one to do the bit?s and piece that need to be done around the house. It doesn?t normally bother me but now that I?m realising that for the short-term future I don?t want the responsibility of the house/finances/transport I?m also realising that DP will not step happily in and take responsibility for us.
DP doesn?t drive, I do so generally I?m the designated driver if we go out, I drive us both to work/shopping, I perform the little errands required and generally it doesn?t bother me. However I told DP when I found out that I?m pg that I was not driving myself to hospital when the time came so he promised to learn how to drive. Well, I?m now due in two weeks and dp has had a few informal lessons from his mates and is still refusing to take this seriously.
We agreed to repaint some rooms in the house before the baby came. We happily chose the colours together and I started with a vengeance. However due to my size at the moment there is an unpainted strip at the top of each wall that I cannot reach and I am reluctant to get up on a ladder. DP promised to finish it, that was almost three weeks ago and it makes me madder each time I see it unfinished. I know he has no intention of doing it, and I have no intention of continuing this nagging any longer.
We are in a bit of debt (a combination of unrestrained credit card spending and home loans) at the moment, and are looking at various ways of tackling this. One option is to remortgage and another is to cut back on a few corners and restrain our spending for a while ? either way if we put our minds to it we can be out of this mess in a few years. DP refuses to acknowledge there is a problem and even worse refuses to look at the potential solutions. We have ?our money? - bills, food and mortgage, and what?s left in our accounts is our own to spend as we wish. He gets twice as much personal spending money that I do in a month (I get paid more than him but I?m trying to keep a lid on our debts with my money not our money) and his money is normally gone in a fortnight, when he?ll start to ask me for money. I keep track of what I spend and don?t run out before the end of the month, and I?m no saint, but I?ve learned the hard way that it all has to be paid back in the end so it?s better not to overspend. I have worked out various plans for repaying our debts, but I know I?ll end up paying it back out of my money while he won?t even feel the pinch. The worst part is that I want to take a few unpaid months off at the end of my paid maternity leave. I know we can afford it if we start to save for it now but DP continues to say that we can?t afford it and therefore I can?t take it. Nothing about how it?s his uncontrolled spending that has us in this situation. And because he refuses to monitor his spending and refuses to consider any savings plans I try to introduce he?s right, it isn?t an option now. It makes me so angry to have worked all these years and to be in a well-paid job but I can?t take two measly months off to be with my baby because of him.
BTW we both work full time and have a DD, guess who looks after DD most of the time ? so it?s not like I have a huge amount of spare time. DP watches TV lots.
Ok ok I?m really really angry with him right now. But besides leaving him and looking after myself and my two children what can I do. I?m sure I love DP (not at the moment though) and I?m sure all my emotions are being exaggerated by being in the last few weeks of pregnancy, but am I being totally irrational? When the time comes I?m considering asking my dad to bring me to hospital (to embarrass DP) and not letting DP into the labour ward as if he won?t take responsibility for us why should he get any of the special moments? Any ideas how I can tackle this without totally blowing up?

sorry to say it, but he sounds like a lazy b....... to me. I divorced one for the same thing, but he did have a wee alcohol habit as well. You are very good at writing things down and he does'nt sound like he's very good at listening. What are his reading skills like?

Wow! there have been times when I could have written that pot (apart from minor details, that is).

I also seem to take more and more responsibility for the day to day running of stuff, and seem to have proportionately much less money to spend than I should have. This has been known to really wind me up.

My coping strategy is this:

• I write down the specific things that are unfair. I then leave it and look at the list again in a few hours. Usually by that time I will have remembered a few mitigating factors like dp mmowing the lawn (I so hope there are mitigating factors for you! ).

• Then I go through the list with dp (from memory - I think he would flip if he saw the list). he always comes up with some other mitigating factors.

• These two things help me feel less taken advantage of, but sometimes things are still unfair. So we start to barter - "OK so you give me £x per week which will go towards savings and I'll stop whinging about the computer games" type thing.

And that's it! I must admit though it has taken 8 years to get to a stage where we can do this without having an enormous row. I think it also helps if you bear in mind that most men are inherently (and conveniently) forgetful: he may genuinly not be aware that you still think x and y are issues (I certainly find this with dp) so it really helps to bring it up every now and then before you explode!

One last thing: why are you paying off your joint debts with your money? Its one thing to take responsibility, but that does smack of martyrhood. Does he know exactly how much you put away etc each month? I think that is one thing that you really need to sort out.

Another last thing: too late for the driving now - that is a shame. But a taxi is a perfectly good solution. He should pay.

Right, first of all calm down! I don't mean that in a "you're being unreasonable" kind of way, just in a "losing it won't be helping matters" kind of way. I do understand, really I do, I'm due in 9 days and am extremely emotional. I absolutely can't cope with thinking about anything serious/long term though so am postponing all big decisions and discussions until after the baby's born. (Yeah right, because then my hormones will be back to normal, ha ha) Even then I realise that it'll be a while before I can cope with any major change so anything that needs discussing/changing will have to wait. So I suppose my suggestion is to try your best (I do know it's hard) to NOT deal with it now but to recognise that these problems need tackling at some stage. I know what you mean about labour too - my dp asked me to leave the room while he had a wee the other day and I lost it, saying "And you Expect Me to Give Birth in Front of You, Hmmm?" I've since agreed he can be there On the money front, been there too, so do know the feeling. I think you maybe DO have to put your foot down about this but again, AFTER the baby is born, and restrict his spending or stop giving him money so that you can save towards spending longer at home. Anyway, this advice may all be pants since I'm Ms Irrational atm but hope something in there helps anyway. You have my sympathy.

gosh, have calmed down slightly now and reread my rant - I was a bit over the top. Although that doesn't change the circumstances, I'm still annoyed with him.
Norma, thanks for the compliment on my writing - DP is going to get a muted version of this (minus the OTT bits) tonight to read while I steam in another room. It should be interesting.
WWW - noted thanks, the money issue can wait, the not learning to drive cos he can't be bothered issue really hurts though in a "Why won't you take responsibility for us" sort of way, maybe I should take that approach instead of getting angry about it. at your shy DP.
Lucy - DP's fully aware of all these issues and how much this is bothering me, we had an arguement it about two weeks ago - and guess what, the little strip of hall is still unpainted, the car is still used by me only and he ran out of money today and had to borrow some off me. agghhhh.
Interesting point about being a martyr - I never thought about it that way - My mum used to play the martyr a lot and it used to annoy us all so much, hmm must make sure I'm not following in her footsteps. I'm concentrating on paying my debts first in any case (definitely not a saint with money, but at least I've realised we are heading for trouble and want to stop the rot now). However if DP's spent all his money and needs more I nag him a bit then give him some of mine - both throwing my careful budgeting out the window and helping him to not see the problems. I'm not going to worry about this now, but come the start of december no more handouts. To be honest, I don't want to be his minder or his personal bank. I just want to be on equal terms with him. I don't want to make any big decisions now, and genuinely I don't want to leave him, but it's been building up inside for months now - and then I get called a nag for bringing up these issues which just makes me see red, so a blow up was bound to come sooner or later.

Sorry but he is a lazy bastard and unfair to make you worry like this.

Why not try shaming him with a relative,
what I mean is cant you ask a relative or friend to come and finish the decorating off for you as he WONT do it.I do this with my dh when is in lazy mode and it soon shifts his backside.My dh cant stand the thought of someone he looks up to knowing he will not fulfill his needs as the "big caring, sensible provider" IYKWIM.

As for the money issue can you just have a set amount each pocket money per month the rest goes into savings or to pay off debts.

Transport- get a cab and make him pay for it.

BTW congratulations to you and hope you give birth soon.You too www.

OR
be a lazy bastard back and dont cook, clean or do his washing until he can sort out all those jobs you need doing.

"As for the money issue can you just have a set amount each pocket money per month the rest goes into savings or to pay off debts. "

Doormat - we do exactly that - except I end up with less as I have to spend mine of house stuff, and his runs out fairly quickly. But no more handouts from next month.

Is he lazy or just ultra laid back about things ?(equally frustrating as the consequences are the same)

V annoyed, I thought about this while I was in the supermarket tonight and actually, though I've advised you to try to be calm and wait until the baby's here to tackle the issues, I know I'd have lost my temper and ranted and raved and screamed by now. I wouldn't be speaking to my dp until the painting was done and the transport to hospital was arranged (except I'm booked for a home birth but ykwim). So I just wanted you to know that I do think you're right and I'm not the model of sanity and calm I might have sounded when I posted earlier. Not that I'd necessarily recommend ranting, I just know I'd have done it by now. Good luck

VA - I've just read this quickly but wanted to commiserate as my dp was utterly hopeless at ANY forward planning in my pregnancy ('we've got ages to think of names' he said, the day dd2 arrived), and we had similar money hassle (I'm self-employed, funded ALL my sodding maternity leave myself). Like you I love him and like you he drives me up the wall. Hope you feel a bit better now.xxxxxx

The car - its too late to do anything about this now. Why will it embarass your DP for your Dad to take you into hospital? He can't drive you, you can't drive you, so your Dad is the obvious next choice I would have thought so would go ahead on that one. Not sure how serious you were about not letting DP into the labour ward because that is quite a big step IMO.

Wondered how your DP is getting to work during your maternity leave. But I suppose thats his problem

Money. I really don't see why you should have less personal spending money than your DP. Nor do I think you should have more because you earn more. You should have the same. But its hard to rejig these things at the moment but make sure you do. One thing that DH and I do is keep a spreadsheet account of what we spend so every visa receipt, cash wtihdrawal, direct debit etc goes in there in columns (clothes, groceries, house etc). We looked at the clothes column and DH had spent consistently more than me every month between July and November. And DS most months (although his shoes/trainers) take a lot of his total. That surprised him a lot more than me. So I think your DP probably needs to face reality a bit because I think he is probably conveniently forgetting that he is borrowing off you every month. Do you keep a record?