On the subject of loveless marriages - has anyone regretted their divorce? Could use some support

[moocat]

Hallo
I posted in the summer - here

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1251124-Please-help-me-I-am-in-such-a-spin-I-cant-go-in-on-this-marriage-but-I-dont-want-to-break-up-our-family

So, we are six months on and things are, predictably much the same.

After posting here, I went to see my therapist, who I saw intensively about ten years ago and still see from time to time. She was of the opinion that the grass isn't greener, that divorce is not good for children and that there are no great men waiting in the wings. Roughly (the topic of whether she should be so prescriptive is another thing, but I trust her and took it on board). So, we put the house on the market, it is now under offer. For a few months I was at peace with it all, we were getting on fine, family life is good etc

But, it keeps creeping up on me and I have this horrible feeling that he is lying to me. All the time. I don't think he is having an affair, I just don't think he is being honest. We are arguing lots, after one long car journey when we thought he was asleep we realised that DC1 (now five) was crying because he could hear us. I am about to ring a family solicitor and find out where I would stand financially were we to split.

I am so scared that I am doing the wrong thing though, in contemplating divorce. I would have to imagine I think that I might never meet anyone else - and I don't mind that for now, but the rest of my life alone is a biggy. I won't have any support in RL really, a couple of close friends but my family will think I am being flakey and irresponsible

Any advice? thoughts?

She was of the opinion that the grass isn't greener, that divorce is not good for children and that there are no great men waiting in the wings.

WTH kind of therapist gives her opinions like that, rather than guide you to figuring out for yourself what you feel and what youwant ?

If she's really giving out her verdicts like this, change therapists!

I am so scared that I am doing the wrong thing though, in contemplating divorce.

You are not doing the wrong thing in considering a valid option out of a situation that you are unhappy in.

I'd echo what Puppy says...therapists should NOT be giving their opinions in such a forthright way--it is totally unhelpful. God she sounds soooo empowering NOT!!! I think sometimes when you've been seeing a therapist for a while they can sometimes fall in the trap of thinking they know whats best for you. Of course divorce is not a party for the children or anyone involved but neither are the alternatives. The grass is not always greener is a bit of a crap decision making tool for important decisions like this. And there are men in the wings.

In your previous post you mentioned that, "Every fibre of your body was telling you" something. It is totally exhausting and damanging to live in the long term going against/not addressing these fibrous messages. I can't give any advice about your headline question but it sounds like you are totally doing the right thing with getting information from solicitor with which to make a decision.

Wishing you much strength... and whatever you do or anyone else thinks you are NOT being flakey or irresponsible. You are being extremely responsible for facing this head on.

I agree with the trial separation idea. And stick with the separation, don't go back and forth. Make firm boundaries and stick to them. This gives the relationship a much better chance of succeeding than if you do a woolly back and forth type split. Use the time not just to be apart from each other but to do some soul-searching, get on with being independent and strengthening. Keep talking in a managed way such as with a counsellor or at agreed times. The more dignified you can both remain, the better the chances at reconciliation.

About the counsellor, you seriously need a new one. Who cares what they think? It's not the point, the point is what you think. It's your space to say what you want and be heard, not railroaded into someone else's perspective.

You might not meet someone else but is that really a good reason to stay in a situation that you're unhappy with? Neither one of you knows the future, but you will cast an increasingly long shadow across it as you continue to bicker and doubt.

Yes, I think it wasn't a real therapist/client conversation. Also I don;t think I was completely honest with her because I didn't want her to think badly of me . Definitely time to move on

With regard to the real problem - how on earth do I do it. I just don't know how to start the conversation, when really, there is nothing wrong but nothing right. I feel and sound pathetic

moocat - I have read the other thread and it resonates with me.

Firstly my children said they knew.... they knew the marriage was not happy and they felt the tension. I was staying together for them and they have told me they wished I hadn't We didn't have lots of public rows - it all simmered in private. They still know

Secondly - I found it hard to disengage from the relationship emotionally and swung between love and hate. Now that time has passed I can look back and see it as a very unhappy relationship that we lacked the courage to leave. Life for everyone (and I mean everyone) is so much better this side of divorce.

Thirdly - divorce is shite. The process is shite. But the shite ends. Limbo before divorce is shiter because it never ends unless you go through the final shite. (I am always this positive )

Fourthly - I don't think everyone should expect roses and champagne relationships (esp when children arrive) but you should feel mostly happy and positive. Glitches happen. A sustained period of unhappiness needs real consideration - can you change? Set a time and then don't allow yourself to drift past that point still unhappy. Maybe you've reached that time.

Lastly - both have to work at it and want it to work