Would you live in a sexless relationship?

[blossom123]

About this time last year I sat DP down and told him I was unhappy with our non existent sex life due to his impotence, it had been an issue for sometime and we had to get it sorted there were lots of issues. He eventually agreed to see his GP ( to my great surprise) and to cut a long story short involved him confessing to her about his excessive drinking and him telling her if he did not get himself sorted out I would leave him. Unfortunetly things spiralled out of control, he ended up going into a complete meltdown, trying to commit suicide, it was a terrible year. I have posted about all this before but have basically supported him in every which way. Anyway thank god he is now seems to be on the right AD's, drinking really curbed and in a lot better place now. Trouble is sex is still complete rubbish the odd time we have tried it still not happening. In the odd nasty moment he blames me and then contradicts himself and says he does really find me attractive. I think he has issues not sure whether it be physical or mental or a bit of both. Trouble I have got the stage where if he tries to cuddle me I feel really uncomfortable , I know that sounds cold but I just seem to detached, not really sure why I feel like that. We have been tog for over 20 years have a nice house, DS. I not sure I what I want, if we split perhaps I will never find anyone else anyway ( in my mid 40's) is it worht upsetting everything, on the other hand I actually feel very lonely, undesirable and sad that part of my life is over. So not really sure what I am asking other as the title says would you live in a sexless relationship? Is anyone else in a similar position. Sorry for the long post, just needed to vent I think.

Do you still love him? apart from the sex is your life with him good? Because if yes to both then I would still work at the marriage and try counselling, and go back to gp together to see if you can get more help with his impotence.

I may be totally wrong here but I don't think that this is just about the sex issue. It sounds like you are feeling a little like you have lost yourself along the way. You have been your H's carer throughout his depression and toward his recovery, but unfortunately he still isn't fully recovered. Goodness knows how long it will take, it is a very complicated condition and not one that is easy to understand.

Perhaps now that your H seems to be on a more even keel maybe you need to get back to doing more for yourself to make you feel more like your old self.

Do you have a good relationship otherwise? Do you still really love him? Do you want to work towards getting it back? Are you just tired of trying?

My heart really does go out to you and you do sound at the end of your tether, not just with the sex issue. I don't have any pearls of wisdom for you, it just sounds like you really need to talk it out and decide how and where you want to go forward to.

Sending you a big hug x

Thanks for your thoughts, we get along ok, Mummyfirst you are right it is not just about the sex issue, I think I have lost myself somewhere along the way. I did talk with him briefly the other day about this and he quipped "if you want viagra why don't you buy some" , on the rare occasion I try to broach the subject he can get very nasty, . I feel numb and the moment. I feel like his mum not partner

blossom123 it just doesn't sound good, and I'm talking about everything but the sex issue here; the sex issue, if you like, sounds like the result of the rest of it not being that great.
You've said you 'get along ok'. That's not a ringing endorsement of what you have together apart from sex, for example I know some couples who have very little sex (which suits all parties) but they get on fantastically in other respects. You need to have a 'hook' which keeps you in the relationship and it just doesn't sound like you have it in any way.

Personally if I were in your position, I wouldn't stay but because of the other issues, not the sex issue mainly. There's a reason why you're saying you sound like his mum not his partner; that's the way it comes across to me too from your op.

What age is DS?

ImJustABloke... but I know that different people place different levels of importance to physical and indeed sexual intimacy. I for one could not survive in a sexless relationship, but I'm sure there are millions who could.

This sounds to me more like you asking if it's ok that you feel like you cannot continue in a sexless relationship - and given that this is your choice and your decision - I think you have your answer.

Good luck with it, and be sure that you weigh everything up before you make a final decision.

I would find it difficult BUT if everything else was good - emotional support, intimacy etc, I think I'd find a way.
x

I am n a sexless relationship and have discovered not that long ago that I have been since dc2 birth (as a sexless relationship is when people have sex less than 10 times a year).

To be really honest, the reason for us that we did not have sex wasn't the sex but because of a whole lot of other issues in our relationship.
I, too, had become detached from DH mainly because of all the 'other' reasons that made me feel s**t and unloved.
I think that what you are feeling right now is detachment from your H because of a whole year that has been very hard work (and all the ones bfeore that!). You have been in carer mode for a while and now that things have settled down a bit, you are trying to quit that role.

You really need to look at the whole situation, not just the sex side. Do you think your H is trying his best at resolving all the problems? Is he really trying?
And have you seeing a counsellor yourself? Having your H trying to commit suicide is a big thing.
You need to be careful not to fall onto the 'carer's role' because in your wedding vows, you swore 'in illness and in health'.
You need to decide what is truly essential for you in your life and whether you can be truly happy in a sexless relationship ie you will have choosen to be in that situation, it will not be 'imposed' onto you by outside circumstances.

What about the fact that your H is drinking too much? What sort of issues does it create? Is it a good enough environment to bring a child in?

BTW, I would accept a sexless relationship. I do have much more problem to accept an emotionless relationship or no affectionate relationship.

Do you get any of those?

No i wouldn't. No matter how good everything else was. By sex i mean not just penetration tho.

The only thing you get exclusively from your partner is sex and if there isn't that then to me you may as well be friends/flat mates. I have a high sex drive tho and if DP and i don't have some sexual contact twice a week, there has to be a reason.

Thanks everyone for your comments, tbh honest I am really not sure what is for the best. I am sure if I said nothing things would just drift along, I think I have to make the decision about what I really want and what is best for DS. DP used to be really good friends but not really anymore, he has always had issues but last year was terrible, it has affected more than I thought, is depression contagious spuddy what you say about sex being the only thing you get exclusively from your partner really makes sense, you are right we could be flat mates, except he would have been kicked out for not paying his bills and doing his fairs hare of the chores. In fairness he does try to hug me and gives a kiss on cheek when he leaves, bit I feel totally withdrawn and very down. I just can't rebothered anymore, I want him to do something about it without me nagging him into it, if that makes sense.

yes I would, Im not at all bothered about sex, my poor husband has put up with it for years, I love him, hwe have all the frustartion that many marriages have these days and more, but I love him and love cuddling him and holding his hands and kissing him but I have virtually no sex drive at all. We seem to be making it work, there are a LOT more important things than sex!!!
Besides, you can have sex with anyone, you can't raise a family, manage a home, and share a lifetime of experiences with just anyone!

I am doing. But we get on really well in all other respects.

DH puts me and DS first in everything and values our family unit as much as I do. He is a great dad and I can't imagine being with anyone else. Most of the time anyway!

It does bother me sometimes and I feel a bit sad that that part of my life is probably over but most of the time it doesnt bother me too much.