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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

So, I need a bit of reminding about NPD people!

12 replies

TheMouseRanUpTheClock · 10/01/2012 22:36

I had some contact iniciated from someone from the past.

I queried it and spoke it over with someone in real life, this person kept saying all the things that you would think prompted the contact, and I am left feeling that this Narc is a normal person again, I keep forgetting how bad they were, the person I was speaking to has forgotten as well.

I need a bit of reminding as to why they have contacted me. Please keep me from being sucked in. Thanks

OP posts:
LadyMedea · 10/01/2012 22:49

Can you explain a bit more about who this person was to you, how long it's been since they contacted you and what behaviour prompted you to conclude they had NPD"

TheMouseRanUpTheClock · 10/01/2012 23:03

I posted on here about them under another name a while back, and they are diagnosed by me as having npd, they have been diagnosed by a psychiatriast as having other problems, they only had a few sessions as far as I know!

Well it is exh, he is an example of his attitude, he said earlier this year he never wanted to see the children, then things like the child he had not long ago, was a special child and very much wanted that type of thing. He doesn't give the children he had with me any acknowledgement of being alive.

He took me to court for years over all sorts of made up shit and making drama's out of nothing. Sometimes he used legal representatives and refused to speak to me regarding legal issues. Legalities are now over near the end of last year. He had another child after that, he never told us when it was born or anything, I was told by the csa. I am wondering if he is upset that his child spawn with crescent moon face he left for and who caused a lot of trouble has not been acknowledged by us or something. We have also sold the house and he knew where we were, we never know when he moved, where he works or his phone number/email etc. He now will not know where we are, so maybe a bit of missing of control there. I have also cut contact with a lot of people so he can't get any gossip if he was via someone not in my life, but could get info via others and pass to him, long story. He is getting no info from me or courts either now. Everything about him was top secret and somehow he managed to get all my info as I have the kids.

The kids and I have not bothered with his parents, who's mother I suspect has npd also, found every reason under the sun to not see the kids, I never bothered with her after that conversation, about a year and a half ago, she has gotten quite nasty since, long story. The kids and I don't bother with any of them, I am sure they miss the drama of us chasing them.

None of us are interested in having anything to do with him, well I am not 100% sure about kids, I am guessing there, would have to speak to them about it all again.

He hasn't asked about them, he emailed me out of the blue from I presume a new email address he set up for the issue, after over a year of no one on one contact. He claimed he didn't want to use the solicitor any more as it was too costly and was quicker this way. We have needed for legal issues to discuss things many a time and he always wanted solicitors.

I can't be arsed with it all, and I am scared I am going to start thinging he is a decent person again if I am not carefull.

I want to get on with my life and it is like he wants me to be upset by him again, he used to see me every few months at court and that won't happen any more now.

He should be concentrating on finding a new home for him and his wife and child, it is clear the kids he had with me mean nothing to him.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 11/01/2012 01:18

I am still confused!

what exactly are you asking?

TheMouseRanUpTheClock · 11/01/2012 01:28

I am confused myself. I soften in time when people hurt me and forgive them, and get sucked back in. I foolishly think that they weren't that bad after all, and loose all the hardness you need for people like that. I am scared if I start to communicate with him, he will suck me back in.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 11/01/2012 01:44

So dont communicate.

Just dont. And if there is a legal need to then engage a solicitor and insist that all communication comes through them.

TheMouseRanUpTheClock · 11/01/2012 01:53

I don't have one, as I can't afford one, he has a solicitor and said he wants to speed up communication and not spend any more money on the solicitor. I haven't responded to him.

Regardless of the legal stuff that needs organising, I am scared it will go past legal stuff after a few emails and he will go back to his games of him twisting things, me going back checking the emails again and having to resend them to him to tell him he is wrong, him trying to set me up and it going around in circles, I don't want to get into all of that again. He was a dreadfull gaslighter, actually just talking to you about it is reminding me what he is like again.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 11/01/2012 02:19

What does he want? What do you still need to talk to him for? Or he you?

Just don't get involved with it if you're scared - why do you need to?

Although, tbh, if writing it down here reminds you what an arse he was, then carry on. :)

TheMouseRanUpTheClock · 11/01/2012 02:28

He wants to save time and his money. He wants to discuss something that I don't want to put on here, it is to do with legal/house stuff.

My instincts are shouting at me don't speak to him, it is all going to end badly, he will draw you into something negative, you have better things to do with your life. I also when thinking of him get quite angry about things he has done to me and the children, I am not as angry as I was, the prickles of anger are still there and I don't want to be reminded of the shitting things he has done to us.

I don't even want to talk about the arse, I am unsettled by him getting in touch after so long, he could have saved time and money over many other issues at any other time, why want to save time and money now?

OP posts:
xanthum · 11/01/2012 03:39

I would say don't go there with him. This will not be innocent and, imho, he is wanting to suck you in again and play games. He will NOT have changed. If you leave it, he may well back off or he may start up again as he has no control. They are chameleons who shape shift again and again to confuse and unsettle.

Look after yourself and leave it well alone for the moment and see what he does next.

Anniegetyourgun · 11/01/2012 08:51

He doesn't want to save time and money, he just wants to make sure you don't have any legal experts in your corner so he will be the one with all the knowledge while you have to take his word for everything.

I haven't had reason to use the legal board on MN but I'm told it can be extremely helpful.

UnlikelyAmazonian · 11/01/2012 09:24

Absolutely ignore ignore ignore. It must have shaken you up - an email out of the blue from him. But honestly, just Do. Not. Engage.

If it something really important fgs, then he can engage a bloody solicitor and pay for it himself, and write that way. And if you really had to respond you can do so through any kind of third party and not pay a soux.

maybe it was just a bored moment on the computer or at work and he just decided to play another stupid game. he may have forgotten already that he he has even sent you an email. They really are that shite.

Don't get involved at all. Its not about playing a game with him either, it's about walking in the opposite direction at great speed.

The fact that he has ignored his children with you for so long means, frankly, that he is a top arsehole who doesn't deserve a nano second of any of your lives.

And if the dcs change their minds and want to check him out at some point then that is down to them when they are old enough. For now, you are there to look after them while they are young and the best way to do that is to remain absolutely no contact.

TheMouseRanUpTheClock · 11/01/2012 12:22

Thanks, the man ignores his children for years so doesn't deserve a nano second of our lives, is what did it for me!

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