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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Not sure what advice

16 replies

amIbored · 16/01/2006 10:25

anyone can give me, but really just want to get these thoughts out.

DP and I have been together 10 years, 2 kids, good home, good jobs - everything I ever wanted when I was single.

I almost left some years ago when he was violent, he has never been physically violent since, although he does have a temper and throws things, when I'm cleaning I can see things that have been marked/damaged as a result this makes me sad.

We went through a rough patch 2 years ago and I don't think things have been right since then, he said some really hurtful things that I can't forget, about a year ago I wanted him to have an affair so I could end our marriage and not be the one who was to blame. I've asked him if he is happy and he has said yes, nothing to fix, but I don't feel the same way but I can't quite put my finger on whats wrong.

He's a good dad, we get on, and on the face of it we have everything. I can appreciate he's a good looking man, but not sure if I still "fancy" him.

I keep trying to get myself "interested" which I can do for a while, but thoughts fill my head with wishing I was single again.

I know that the grass isn't greener, and TBH I don't even want another man, I suppose I feel a bit trapped.

I feel like I'm going through the motions, he wouldn't go to counselling, he doesn't think that there is anything wrong so that's that.

I keep questioning whether I'm bored, need to grow up, being selfish, or if I have really fallen out of love with my partner.

OP posts:

Janos · 16/01/2006 10:42

I recently split up with my XP, after being together for nearly 10 years. It was at my instigation - I was feeling much the same as you.

Aside from all the issues, what clarified it for me was, I went to see a relationship counsellor and they said 'Can you see yourself together long term'? My instinctive reaction was no.

Ask yourself that question and see what the answer is - it might give you a starting point.

LoveMyGirls · 16/01/2006 10:42

what about arranging a weekend away on your own, absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that or you could go away together and have some quality time or you could tell him that you feel unhappy therefore there is a problem and you want to go to counselling and if he doesnt well then he's not prepared to work at it so why should you feel guilty about ending it? i think maybe counselling/ anger management for his temper would benefit you all anyway. hth and good luck

LoveMyGirls · 16/01/2006 10:45

following what janos has said when i was in my other relationships and thinking of ending it then i would imagine my partner with someone else walking down the street holding hands and if i really didnt mind then that was a very clear indictation that i was wasting my time.

jco · 16/01/2006 10:46

Two things struck me when i read your post hun, You say you want him to have an affair so that you can end it without you being the one to blame. If he is being violent, even if this just involves throwing things about and not actually hitting you then you are quite right to question your future with him, and its already his fault for behaving like that.
Also you say he is a good dad but part of being a good dad is taking care of his family, and that includes you!! You are his kids mother and of course they love you, if he was a good dad he would try to make his kids mother happy!! Making you feel sad because he throws things about and damages stuff isn't taking care of you of thinking about his kids best interest.
my ex was a good looking man but the over the years his behaviour slowly killed my love for him, in the end he could have been brad pitt and we still wouldn't have had a future together.

I don't think you need to grow up or are being selfish. I think you are in a very difficult situation and everything you are feeling is a normal reaction to that. Don't think you are being unreasonable because even him just throwing stuff about is not acceptable and not something that i would put up with. you need to feel relaxed and comfortable in your home and how can you if somebody is behaving like that.

Nobody but you can tell you if you relationship is over, only you can make that decision. If you know in your heart that you don't love hime anymore then to be totally honest with you hun your relationship is over. But only you can answer that. don't rush into anything, if it really is over then one day you will just know.

Sending you lots of hugs hun xxx

Original poster

amIbored · 16/01/2006 10:47

I've thought of that, I've checked I can afford our house, and I've got my plan of action ready for if/when he does something severe enough to justify ending it.

not feeling satisfied doesn't seem enough, especially when we are good friends, don't want to disrupt my childrens lives for what seems so trivial.

OP posts:

Janos · 16/01/2006 11:21

I totally understand where you are coming from, Iambored. We have a DS together so I did a hell of a lot of soul searching before making the decision.

Maybe going to relate or something like that would help you? You can go on your own, I did.

Janos · 16/01/2006 11:23

Oh, and second what jco said. You are NOT being selfish, nor do you need to grow up. Wanting to be happy is not a crime.

Original poster

amIbored · 16/01/2006 11:52

thanks to you all, it's just that I feel that I should be happy, I have everything I've ever wanted, he shows me lots of attention, tells me he loves me every day BUT that is then balanced with negative comments too, and there are times when I think he should show some more thought and he's just self centred.

OP posts:

Janos · 16/01/2006 12:16

You could be talking about me 3 months ago, Iambored.

What kind of negative comments?

jco · 16/01/2006 12:40

you might have everything you wanted hun, kids, nice home etc but the most important thing is that you have a right to be happy. just because you are a mother/wife it doesn't mean you have to put up with being treated in a way that makes you feel sad. nobody has the right to put you down and make you feel bad. Think of it this way, if a friend treated you in the same way as your partner does would you find it acceptable and still be their friend? You deserve love and respect, just because he tells you he loves you and say nice things sometimes it doesn't make the other stuff ok!! i'm not saying that you should neccessarily end your relationship but if you decide that you want to stay with him you obviously have problems that need to be discussed and resolved, mainly his treatment of you. If he is not prepared to listen to your worries and do something about it then how can he really love you, if you love somebody you want them to be happy and you certainly don' want to be the cause of the unhappiness.

jco xxx

Original poster

amIbored · 16/01/2006 13:13

it can be anything, the house looks like a tip (followed by temper usually) - but it's messy cos we have 2 young children - my tops are too low, I've taken to taping them to me so I don't flash any bra or boob - sometimes it's not what's said it's how it's said, I told him to stop making negtive comments he told me I was sensitive.

I've told him how I feel, this was followed by loads of effort, but it just seems no matter what he does now it's not enough, it just seems like it's too little too late.

As I said, he's not out every night, he doesn't drink or gamble our money away, he doesn't use drugs, he's never been unfaithful, but it just feels like there is a steady stream of negativity heading my way that he doesn't even seem to realise he's doing it or that when I say something it's so trivial I'm being sensitive.

I feel like I'm waiting for the end.

OP posts:

mummytosteven · 16/01/2006 13:16

He sounds very controlling, and stressful to live with.

Janos · 16/01/2006 15:40

I agree with mummyto steven.

I remember once buying a lovely white shirt, with a low cut neck. I thought it looked really good. When asked XP what he thought of it, he said I looked like a prostitute. Nice, huh?

Those sort of comments do affect you.

Hadalifeonce · 16/01/2006 15:53

You have to make him understand how hurtful/fearful, his words and actions are to you. It's no good him telling you he's happy and you letting it ride; if you are not happy HE has to know. Tell him what you have told us. Ask him to seek anger management help, if he values your relationship this shouldn't be a big deal for him. You can't allow your feelings to fester, they eat away at you and compound the problems. Good luck.

Original poster

amIbored · 16/01/2006 16:38

I have told him, things get better for a while and then slip again, or we just avoid talking about subjects he will be negative about, or if I speak he doesn't offer an opinion as he knows it will be negative.

I just feel exhausted, and fed up with it all, my children are brilliant and they really make me happy, but even when I worry about them he tells me I'm neurotic - but isn't every mother ?

OP posts:

Original poster

amIbored · 19/02/2006 14:17

update - this all came to a head recently and we spent all night talking, i was very very honest for the first time in a long time. I asked for us to seperate, he doesn't want to.

anyway, he accepts he's been unbearable to live with, is nasty at times, he cried (well sobbed)and since has been absolutely perfect. He is trying so hard, I couldn't ask for more.

But I still keep waiting for the end, I don't think I love him anymore, he's said he's the happiest man in the world, but even with this I'm thinking it's too late.

I feel really sad, I wondered if I was depressed, but my emotions in other areas are all in tact. I just feel like I'm going through the motions, how long can he keep this up for .

I read one of the links on DV and I've been suffering emotional DV for at least the past 2 years, prior to that there was 1 physical incident.

as I've said not sure if anyone can give me any advice, but you're opinion would be welcome.

OP posts:

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