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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should we split? Advice desperatly needed

14 replies

leedsgirl · 16/01/2006 09:14

Hi,

Can anyone give me some advice please? My husband and I just argue ALL the time. We do go through patches when it is relatively peaceful but this is not the norm. He is quite a lot younger than me and is very immature and selfish. When I was pregnant and my DS little he treated me very badly even though pregnancy planned, went out all the time, drinking etc. As a result our marriage suffered and he also got into lots of debt. To be fair recently he has been making a big effort, doesn't go out much and making an effort at work and does contribute most of his wage to household.I work part time which he seems to think means that he should not do anything around the house, ever have a lie in and I am not allowed to ever watch a tv programme I want I have to tape it and watch it when he is out. Last night I asked if I could watch something and he went crazy (this was after a weekend where he has laid in both mornings till 11, watched tv all Sat pm and went to bed on Sun afternoon. I just feel so down, can't go on living like this for the next 30 years. Trouble is I don't want to leave him because I come from a broken home and don't wamt that for my DS. My husband is a good dad. Do I just put up with it and hope that he'll grow up or should I call it quits and haver a trial seperation?

OP posts:
ggglimpopo · 16/01/2006 09:16

Message withdrawn

Turquoise · 16/01/2006 09:18

Is he really a good dad? Because IMo being a good partner/husband is the foundation to being a good dad, and he's clearly not that.
Have you told him how you feel? What are the rows about?

meggmoo · 16/01/2006 09:19

Gosh Leedsgirl.
I'm sorry to say this but he sounds like a selfish pig. You sound like you have two children.

You say he is a good dad. Do you think he is setting a good example to your son on how to be a man? I really think you seem to have put up with enough but the more you accept it the more your dh will think it is ok. I think you need to lay down a few basic rules (which include you going out and having a lie in every week) and see if he'll help you out.

Sorry to be blunt but if it were me that is where I would start and if there were no improvement I would be considering my options.

compo · 16/01/2006 09:20

Could he be depressed if he needs to sleep for so long at the weekends?

Original poster
leedsgirl · 16/01/2006 09:24

I do feel as though I have two children and I know which one is much harder to handle! The rows are always about him not helping around the house or money (he ran up a lot of debts which means that we are now very broke). He also says that he has made a lot of sacrifices - not going out so much anymore and having less money so I should let him do what he wants at home - otherwise it is not fair. He says that I am manipulative and want to change him, I suppose I do but only so we can be a happy family.

OP posts:
ggglimpopo · 16/01/2006 09:25

Message withdrawn

VeniVidiVickiQV · 16/01/2006 09:25

Well, you certainly have some issues to deal with here.

No-one can tell you honestly whether you should stay and try and make things work, or call it quits - thats really down to you (and your partner) to decide for yourselves.

What happens if you just do things they way you want? What if you just change the channel to something you want on the TV for example?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 16/01/2006 09:29

The use of the word sacrifice is interesting to me.

What has he sacrificed exactly? And what were those sacrifices for?

I believe either a person wants to be in a committed relationship or not.

I dont get this sacrifice bit - what does he think he has lost?

XmasPud · 16/01/2006 09:29

The only way you are going to sort this out is by talking. Have you tried to find a moment when you are both calm and relaxed, out of earshot of your son, and told him exactly how you feel? If not, give it a go. So often how we feel builds up and then only gets said in the moment of a row and creates more problems than it solves. If you pick your moment, put it across so you don?t sound like you are nagging but are being fair, non judgemental etc, letting him know how you feel and how you would like to change it. You never know, he might have some stresses on him that youa re unaware of - work, money, socially. If that isn?t/doesn?t work, then I agree with ggg - consider a neutral party.
If your relationship is ever going to sort itself out you need to communicate. You can?t do that is you are separated. Separation only works if there is so much anger and emotion involved that one party cannot think rationally. Or if one party needs to be shocked into realising that this time the other means it when they say that it is very serious. Personally, I think separation is a dangerous way to go unless you are 100% happy to risk ending it completely or if it is so bad it is currently affecting your son.
Whatever you do, good luck. x

Original poster
leedsgirl · 16/01/2006 09:30

I think that I will try and see if he will consider going to relate or similar. Thank you all for your advice. I wasn't sure if I am just being unreasonable (this is was he says) or if I have valid reasons to be fed up.

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 16/01/2006 09:31

Okay - maybe i should read a bit more and think before posting but, am i reading too much into this by saying he has made sacrifices because he didnt necessarily want to have a child (yet). Did he ask you to marry him or did you ask him?

Turquoise · 16/01/2006 09:34

To answer your initial question," Do I just put up with it and hope that he'll grow up" I think you'll have a long wait.
Does he know that you're seriously considering splitting up? I would try and have a really serious talk and make it clear that yes, he does have to change because he is not behaving like an adult, and that it is not unreasonable of you to expect him to now that he is a father.

Original poster
leedsgirl · 16/01/2006 09:34

He asked me to marry him but he did know that I wanted to get married. We did plan our son but I think he maybe didn't realise exactly what was involved, think that is the problem. I think the other problem is that I want to have a husband that is a man not a boy (he is 26 and I am 33) I am so fed up being the grown up all the time but I guess to be fair that is not his fault really.

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 16/01/2006 09:43

i think you should tell him what you have just posted.

Actually, have you thought about writing him a letter to say how you feel and what you want?

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