one month on, still sick he cheated, how do people cope/stay and recover?

[longgroan]

some may remember my original thread, answered phone to a girl dh had been shagging for a week. she had no idea he was married.
we have 2 young dc's, my family came to spend christmas for 2 weeks, i tried to function normally and not spoil their holiday but finally broke down and told my sister and brother after a week..and it did make me feel considerably lighter.
now they've all left and i have to think what to do. there have been many awful incidents, i became an unhinged crazy woman for a while and i'm still far from feeling normal or in control. the betrayal, physically/ emotionally and the deceit is too overwhelming to comprehend.

this month is our 7 year anniversary. we were planning 3rd pregnancy this year, we work together, our business is taking off. ridiculously i'm gutted at the timing! i don't want this to have happened to me/ us, now.
i am in our house, he is staying in the flat near the business. when we stay under same roof he sleeps with kids. i had some sort of emotional/mental meltdown after crashing car and fighting for hours and we had sex. it was horrible on one hand, i cried but a physical relief. we had sex again yesterday but it all went horribly wrong

we have talked a lot. he has admitted all details, maybe would be better if he hadn't but i asked him relentlessly. i needed proof he was capable of being truthful. but now my head is just full of images of him in ecstasy with a perfect bodied super pretty 20 year old going at it like a porn movie.

dh finally seems to understand the enormousness of my devastation. he says he understands it's too soon to forgive him and isn't going to let me go without a fight etc..he doesn't want to lose me, can't live without me, regrets his actions etc

but i just can't understand how i can ever let it go. if i can ever love him again. i don't feel it now. he knew completely that fucking someone else would be the end of our relationship and our family but he still did it. driven by desire for this amazing girl. what is the point in trying? what does it even mean try? why do i have to try?

i suppose i want him to face the ultimate punishment of losing me and his family. when i think of staying it feels more like another punishment, a way to stop him from being happy with someone else as i'm not ready for that. i can imagine in glimpses being rid of him, starting a new life alone but it's so sad, a month ago we were a very normal family i thought. i can't believe these are my options now

i don't want this to be my life now. miserable bitterfaced old woman trying to forgive my cheating asshole husband..i don't see the point. i feel humiliated/ ugly/ rejected/betrayed how can i work at repairing this shit?

i suppose i'm wondering if other people have felt the same and 'sorted out' and their marriages survived

sorry it's so long!

Oh god longgroan, it's bloody awful isn't it? Yes, I remember your thread.

In answer to your question-yes, I did feel the same, and we did repair our relationship. He cheated in 2005/6 and we were trying to sort things from then on really, after a period of utter utter shit which saw me go into many meltdowns of the type you describe-totally normal I would think.

I do bloody hate the script that they all seem to come out with about fighting for us, not giving up on us blah blah bloody blah.

You probably already know that I'm going to say there is no easy answer, it will be what works for you. Time will go to work on both of you, and that does help. But it's the getting beyond that isn't it? As you say, I felt "why the F* should I put the effort in to save this shit? YOU, you're the one who screwed around, screwed it all up"!

As for facing the ultimate punishment, depends how far you want to take it-I kicked my dp out, for a long time, and I see you're already living apart for now.

Can you find a way to stop looking for a resolution, looking into the future, IYSWIM? I suspect you're going to feel wildly different things towards him most days-for now that might be hatred and anger mixed up with hurt, but gradually, very gradually, the mist may clear so you can almost be objective about the situation. That's how it was for me I recall-I was very detached eventually, and with the help of some amazing friends I started again on my own after realising that "working at it" with him wasn't working! Long story short-he came good, got help etc, and things are fine now on that front.

The difficulty for you of course is that you work together-hard to detach in that situation I know.

I wanted to say one thing-please try and put thoughts of some ridiculously pretty young girl out of your head, which I know is a big ask. Frankly, I really do think that for men who cheat, the other woman could be anyone, old or young, porn star or whatever the opposite to that is! She was an outlet, in more ways than one, he didn't have emotion vested in her from what you've said. Interestingly enough (and it was long enough ago for me to be slightly nonchalant!), my dp's "chosen" shag was a particularly vile girl with a hideous local reputation. What that says I'm not sure. But it didn't make me feel particularly good until I tried my best to discount her. In fact, I felt a bit sorry for her when I got past all the anger as she had nothing, has a horrible family and I could almost (but not totally!) understand why she did what she did.

I hope you can ride the rollercoaster for a bit. Offload here xx Sorry for the ramble.

It is shitty isn't it

One of the main things that really helped me start to recover is to do things that will boost my self esteem - e.g having your hair done, meeting friends, taking up a hobby/interest, having a massage, a bubble bath, new smellies/nail polish/make up etc.

Have you thought about counselling to help you? I also found reading self help books helpful - my fav is Not Just Friends by S Glass.

I would also try and detach from your H for the time being and that means all contact is restricted to discussions about childcare/kids and he is to have access away from your home. It sounds like his visits/overnight stays are confusing for you all.

As for the sex, I hope you are using protection and that your H has been checked for STIs.

I agree with comment about its not being about finding a more attractive girl - in my case OW was fat & quite a few years older than me it was about the ego boosting attention H got from her and that can be very addictive.

Be kind to yourself: betrayal is classed as a major trauma in counselling. In fact, there a few things more traumatic than what he has just done to you.

Your wanting to know everything is part of the trauma: trying to start making sense of it all. The frantic sex is part of that. So is the pulling him towards you and pushing him away.

You are currently in the hallway of hell. You are in shock and unbelievable pain. Sorry to tell you, this is just the beginning. Come and ask us in a year's time for some advice.

Be kind to yourself, massage, bubble baths, nails, hair, sympathetic friends.

Is his contact with Miss Alluring over?

I also don't think we should kid ourselves:

a large part of the unbelievable addiction is the 'excitement of a new ct and a new pair of tts' That is a quote from no longer so DH by the way.

Then it got boring and it wasn't that great after the newness wore off (and he started looking for more new). As well as the fantasy projection, ego stroking, admiration, new identity he tried out on her, but MOST especially the compliments and admiration.

thanks for your replies, a friend dropped in so had to put my laptop away! you're all so kind, it really helps to hear your experience and advice. i always said i wouldn't waste a minute longer of my life on him if dh cheated and it's hard to believe i'd consider it now it's happened. some days it feels so surreal i can't believe it. i'd quite like to pretend it never happened and that's what staying with him would almost be.
i look at him and just see he wanted to fuck someone else. all the magic that tied us together seems broken. and then we have to talk about work and kids and normal things and it's all too much
the girl contacted dh on facebook, (i set up his account we use same passwords for everything, i was checking as client had tried to contact us via fb) i read the message yesterday sent in dec 22nd but unread as in 'other' messages. she said she was sorry for telling me everything but she'd been shocked hoped he wasn't mad at her, that she missed him and thought about him everyday. she was working here but left the night i answered her call, she was saying a last goodbye.
i replied and asked her what she wanted as a response? and told her calmly how my life had been a nightmare since that phonecall, and all the stress with my family and trying to make xmas normnal for my kids when i was sleeping and waking crying. i know she didn't know at the time he was married but in light of that she should understand how painful it is to discover your husband is a cheating asshole.
she replied today she wouldn't contact him again and she hoped "what they did together that week didn't ruin our marriage. that people make mistakes and maybe my dh's worst mistake was meeting her"
it's horrible, she thinks they're romeo and juliet maybe? my dh isn't mine anymore he has some shared week of passion with some bloody girl who can't forget him. i doubt he'll forget her either
it's totally shit
i told dh about the message and he admitted she has been trying to contact him via a friend and he hadn't wanted to upset me more by telling. as he said if he was at all interested he could have gotten her number and kept in touch but he isn't and won't...
aggghhh i hate them both, and everything makes me mad and sad. i can't wait for the mist to clear

There are some good resources on here - www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html - I particularly like the info on forgiveness and reconciliation

You really need to stop Having sex with him. That really isn't going to help.

If you want to make a go of it then it doesn't have to be immediate. Never. Give the OH the impression that you are a pushover.

Get him to stay out of the house and see how he behaves for say the next 3 months. It gives you time to get your head around what you want and keeps him at arms length.
Always remember, it is not compulsory to forgive someone who hurts you as life can be rebuilt and you can find happiness again with someone who will treat you with more respect.

thanks for link ladymedea shall look now and thanks maleview, i was just telling a friend the same. if he is really determined to stay loyally by my side for eternity 6 months or 2 years will be an understandable period of time required to move on. i agree wholeheartedly too that it's not compulsory to forgive, that's where i am right now

Hi long groan,

Just wanted to say hope you start to make sense of things soon. It's the worst pain ever. When our little dream that we created is shattered but it's not the end eventually you will see this and it will make you much stronger. I think as others have said you need time for you and the children. Distance and detachment. He will have to wait and get used to being without you for a while.

thanks again, i know it's pathetic but i just can't seem to face doing anything. i went out with friends last night, only 1 knows and she stayed over so we could talk. i made mistake of checking emails and fb in bed and basically stalking. she's such a pretty girl all smiles and perky tits. i just want to slither away and drink until i can sleep. i can't cope with this.

Hi LG, I read your post and felt for you then, I feel you pain your H is a selfish prick. I can't give any wonderful advise other than the old chesnut about time is a great healer. I personally could never forgive and know I would throw it up in every argument, but thats me. You have a business tog are you able to buy out of this and start a fresh? ( on a practical note) as it must make it doubly hard having to the rotten sod each day.

Oh and you are NOT pathetic.

I'd have replied to her reply with 'Oh DO fuck off dear, I can understand you'd rather paint yourself as a romantic victim rather than someone who let a cheat fuck her, but Juliet you ain't - just an airhead who'll sleep with a man you don't know from Adam. 'Met' you? Its barely even that, is it? You're cheap - that's all I need to know about you.'

You aren't obliged to forgive.

Keep him out for the time being - six months at least - there is no time limit on how you feel.

Get counselling, for YOURSELF - not the two of you yet. It will help you figure out what you really want to do.

You have to live with yourself score you can live with anyone else...

Good luck.

Before not score!

LG - have been lurking and following your thread. Just wanted to send you big hugs. My ExP cheated twice in 18 months, I found out about the last one 10 days before Xmas. I did the same, needed to know everything. Now its stuck in my head and wont go away. He moves out in Febuary. The trust has been destroyed. No going back. You need to give yourself time, dont feel pressured into agreeing anything, certainly not forgiveness. Be kind to yourself and lean on your friends.... x x

thanks everyone. i'm feeling incredibly low and lonely.