Back with an ex

[pennilane]

I have recently got back together with an ex. We had broke up quite a while ago after a brief relationship and he ended it. He was having problems with his ex wife and his teenage daughter, as well as one of his parents being terminally ill and felt he couldn't give himself to a serious relationship.
Anyway, few months ago he reached out to me, and after much to-ing and fro-ing I took him back. Things have gone really well between us since. He is very sorry about how it ended before and I have forgiven him. Nobody else was involved, as far as I know, so I was quite prepared to give him another chance. I had very strong feelings for him the first time round and often thought about him in the intervening months after our break up.
Anyway, my problem is simply that I feel very insecure about things. I feel like I am constantly analysing everything he says and does and I really can sometimes work myself up into a lather about silly things. As of yet this isn't apparent to him as I have hidden it well, but it is draining me.
I'm aware i'm doing this because we broke up before, but it seems I am unable to have confidence and trust that things will work out well and that it won't happen again.
Any advice would be welcome.

I am a great believer in trusting your instincts

And an ex is an ex for a reason

Both of those are cliches, but very true

Are you sure you really want this, or is it just comfortable for you to slip back into an old pattern with him ?

This relationship is doing your head in and doesn't sound very healthy so why do you want to stay in it?

Because I'm in love with him.

Has anything really changed in your circumstances since you were together before? If the answer is no, nothing really then of course that is why you have no confidence in the relationship now - it didn't work out before, what's different that it will this time?

You say nothing of how you have been persuaded to try again other than he has approached you and you still had strong feelings for him, there's nothing in your OP about how he intends to make it work this time.

I think I would be feeling he just needs somebody not necessarily you.

Surely "in love" feels happy and free, you don't sound like you feel happy, free, floating? You sound anxious and insecure.

What does in love mean to you?

because I'm in love with him

and love conquers all ?

< wanders off muttering >

He hasn't done anything the second time round to make me feel it's going to end again imminently. It's just my own mind and neurosis that is causing me anxiety.

But has he done or said anything to assure you that it will last? Are the reasons still there that ended the relationship before?

I don't think it's neurosis that's the problem. It's your instinct screaming, "He's going to hurt you again. Watch out!"

When he binned you last time, did you feel it was legitimate? Were you very upset?

You sound like you have behaved with dignity, respect and integrity. If I were you, I would avoid the torture of doubt -which is not paranoid doubt but reasonable based on your experience of this man - and end the relationship.

Perhaps it could have been good but the timing was wrong and now it's spoilt. that can happen.

Yes I was very hurt. Was it legitimate? On reflection I think it probably was and I have accepted his reasons. We tell each other we love each other regularly and show it.

Yet still those doubts persist.
It is because I'm frightened of being hurt again.
I don't want to go back there.

But you're not enjoying the relationship as you should. At least, that's how it sounds.

I do enjoy the relationship. We have lovely times together.
I accept that I have taken him back, and at this point I'm not prepared to end it because of my doubts and insecurities.
I've gone into it with my eyes open.
I just wish I could control my emotions a bit better

OP, why not simoly give it time? it's only recently this restarted, and even if he;s absolutely genuine, he hadn't a chance to prove things (yet) but there aer many examples when people get basck together and it works! Also, try to focus on something rather than him - exercise, it improves the general sense of mental balance.

It's not surprising you feel insecure. He ended your previous 'brief' relationship citing other pressures and this no doubt made you feel that he wasn't as enamoured with you as you were with him.

You may feel that if your former feelings for him had been reciprocated he would have continued your relationship because, when the going gets tough, the majority of us would find solace in having a loving partner at our side.

Either he was telling the truth and put his feeling for you on ice while he coped with varying demands on his time/emotions, or you're little more than a convenience to him - not so much a woman for all seasons but a gal for the good times.

Instead of hiding your doubts and insecurities you could seek his reassurance that, this time round, he'll want you to stand shoulder to shoulder with him if the ill wind of providence blows through his life again.

Unfortunately, any promises he may make in this respect will only be put to the test if another gale blows and it's therefore up to you to decide whether you're prepared to throw caution to the wind and continue the relationship knowing that a sudden tempest may result in your ship being sunk.

Why not simply enjoy the transitory giddy feeling of being in love with this man while knowing that there's plenty of others who'll float your boat if it runs aground, and that it's allegedly better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

Thanks Izzy, you've put that really well and summed up my feelings exactly.
He has explained things and offered me reassurances, but obviously at this point they are just words. I am cautious about things because of previous history but equally I'm besotted by him so it's a difficult balance to strike.
I know I've taken a risk in going back with him, but it was a risk I was prepared to take.
I suppose only time will tell.

After the crushing blow of dumping losing my first love I soon came around to the view that there are too many attractive men in the world and too little time, but I'm determined to make a respectable dent in the pile

Talk to him, tell him how you feel. Keep talking and working on things. Only way to find out of that feeling of being 'in love' will last

Thanks again.
I think I'd just like some way to calm my mind when I start getting negative thoughts.