Unable to grow thick skin against mum's negative comments. How can I toughen up?

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My mum is prone to thoughtless, unkind comments. I am starting to learn to stand up to her and tell her when she is being unfair. Sometimes this helps, other times it blows up in my face.

Unfortunately, even when I know that she is wrong, her comments really get to me and I take them to heart. For example today she made a comment about me spoiling DD, I don't agree with her but I was really upset.

Life would be much easier if I could grow a thick skin and not let her criticisms get to me. I am so soft that I can let her upset me to the point that I feel rubbish all day. It feels childish to be so bothered by her comments and I wish I could grow up and not let her get to me.

Does anyone else find that their parent(s) can do this to them? Or can anyone suggest how I can grow a thicker skin?

Oh yes, there are many of us who have grown up with parents who undermine us then make us feel we are the ones in the wrong.

Try to limit your contact with her if she upsets you. I find the less I see my parents the better things are and they have less chance to be critical of me.

Thank you so much for replying. I am making a conscious effort to pull her up on it, I did it this evening and she burst into tears accusing me of being horrible when she is so unwell (chest infection). She tends to blow up when I pull her up on unkind comments, but I am beginning to see that I have to pull her up on it, despite her reaction.

In many ways I would love to reduce contact but it is complicated- the guilt would be immense, she also helps me once a week by collection DD from school and they are very close, also she is currently lending me money to repair our roof (she is very well off) so I feel obliged not to pull away from her.

But I do find myself wishing she would just leave me alone as I could manage without her help and I would probably feel much better about myself....

With some parents it does not sink in though ITTD. I tried that many a time with my own mum and always ended up more upset than I was to start with because she cannot take on board anything she sees as criticism. Obviously reasonable parents will but some don't have the capacity to at all.

Hmmmm. Well your mother sounds like mine shortcut - does she do financial and practical favours for you and then say after all I've done for you etc?

'I did it this evening and she burst into tears accusing me of being horrible when she is so unwell (chest infection). She tends to blow up when I pull her up on unkind comments'

This also sounds familiar. I think that I've managed to get to a place with my mum where I am no longer so upset by her because I don't allow her comments to sink in and I accept that she will never change. I'm 31 now, but as a younger person I went round and round in circles trying to reason out her unreasonable behaviour.

Glad that I am not alone in this!! Bizarrely I do think she loves me, she really does adore DD- but then she makes genuinely unkind comments which undermine me and are like a slap in the face. I wish I understood why?!

On a positive note, I will not be repeating this behaviour towards DD.

Try not to fall into the trap of working out why she does stuff. I know how hard it is, honestly! My mum, for some reason needs to feel that she's superior to me and when she had the chance would often undermine my parenting and even tell my children I'm stupid.

I think that my mum loves me too, in her own way. But she is very damaged so I've learned how to step out of the roles she likes me to play if that makes sense.

Perception- I am older than you (36) but haven't managed to accept her, or toughen up. DP is genuinely flummoxed by how much I let her upset me. But if I knew how to toughen up I really really would......

Yes, she does quite a lot practically (mainly collecting DD from school and sometimes having her to stay, which mum loves to do), and more recently has offered some financial help with important house maintainance. All followed up by 'after all I do" type comments.

Have you looked at the stately homes threads shortcut, in relationships? There are a lot of us who post there about emotionally abusive realtionships with our parents. Maybe also look at Susan Forward's book 'Toxic Parents'.

This is not your fault - you can't 'toughen up' - you've been conditioned to feel bad by your mum and she knows how to push your buttons. Believe me, my parents can both upset me horribly, even now. I've had quite extensive psychotherapy to try to come to terms with my bizarre realtionship with my parents. And I think when you have your own children it all becomes clearer because you realise you wouldn't dream of treating them the same way.

There have been times when I could have talked reasonably to my mum until I was blue in the face, and she would refuse to accept my point of view. Generally she would fly into a rage and shout 'HOW DARE YOU'. By the end of the conversation I was the lowest of the low, the most contemptible human being on earth because I dared to give her a perspective that did not fit with her own glowing view of herself.

Perception- you are so right, having DD has made me realise how unkind my mum can be because I know that nothing in the world would make me say these type of things to my DD. I just can't understand how she can love me but then be so hurtful. As you say maybe I need to stop trying to understand.....

I sometimes read the stately homes thread but feel somehow that things are not bad enough for me to belong on there. However, if I am honest as a child my mum dealt out love and fairly viscous physical punishment in equal measure, despite this I guess I pretend things aren't too bad.

Sorry to hear that your relationship with your parents is tough. Good to hear that you have had some help to figure out the puzzle though. Thank you for your kind words, I can say without hesitation that you are superior to your mother in every way, but then I think you know that already.

My councellor once suggested to me that some people respond unconsciously towards other people - they don't analyse their own behaviour or consider they might be wrong. They don't reason it out. My own mother had an emotionally abusive mother, she and her siblings (6 altogether) don't speak to each other. I have started to believe now that how she is is nothing to do with me, even though in the past she has had the cheek to blame me for her unhappiness.

Our mothers do sound quite simliar - my mum switches between being lovely and awful and at times unspeakably cruel. This is highly confusing - you never know where you are with someone like that.

Thank you for your perspective Instructions. You are right I wouldn't let anyone belittle DD, it's a mother's role to protect her children, not to undermine them- I know this but it has taken me a long time to voice it back to mum. Like Perceptions mum she manages to turn me into the worst person in the world for daring to criticise her.

Her help not being conditional is not something I can accept readily. I have been tempted to ask her to stop helping with DD and not accept funds for the roof- that way I feel more justified in sticking up for myself. But in the long run DD and DP would suffer the fallout, and the roof repairs are important.

Therapy might be helpful, but it's hard to know where to start.

I was at least 25 before I started to consider that my parents were anything other than normal. As a child it's all you know.

Me too- I just thought it was normal and that I deserved it. In hindsight I was pretty well behaved as a child- probably because I was petrified of mum.

You therapists suggestion that some people don't consider what they are saying is interesting- its so far from how my brain works that it seems very strange. However, it could explain a great deal!!

I agree, I say as little as I can and definitely keep quiet about anything that could be used against me at a later date.

The good thing about therapy is that if you find the right person, you can finally talk face to face with someone who does not belittle your feelings. You can begin to accept that it's not you it's them and you aren't going crazy!

Susan Forward - Toxic parents. Especially the second half of the book (how to keep a sense of self, make non-reactive comments to drain the emotion).

Most of us DIDN'T have parents who broke our bones, held our hands over gas flames or molested us.
Sadly Shortcut it doesn't make them any less abusive and hurtful. Her putting you down and financial control of you is a classic! It keeps you helpless and little. Once you get to the place where you see 1. she is WRONG to do this 2. you don't CAUSE it or are responsible in any way, you will be able to stay calm and non reactive as you give her a boundary.

Which will be different from taking it, and different from being defensive, arguing or explaining yourself.

You spoil Daisy.

'I am sorry you feel that way'

Well, you do! It's terrible that ...When I was a .... [rant] I, I, I, I, I

'It's interesting you see it that way'

How ungrateful! You are so selfish! After all I've done for you! [rant]

'I'm sorry you are upset'.

It is very uncomfortable, you will find it hard but when there is no comback they run out of steam. If they don't, you then say:

'You are very upset, so I am going to leave now'.

She WILL go nuts, if she is anything like my mother she will complain to my father (with a lot of lies thrown in, I will have thrown some cups, sworn at her [it was the most hurtful thing to find out, that my mother lied about me in order to keep her image of herself intact - I didn't have a chance as a small child], and get my brothers to pile in and tell me how horrible I am to 'poor Mum', but after a while she will be more careful with what she says.

Like you, I will NEVER treat my children like this. Children need praising not putting down.

Have you tried saying 'do you mean to be that rude and nasty?'

It's brilliant for stopping people in their tracks.

not people like my mum - that would kick her off.

bear in mind that her relationship with dd is separate in the sense that she's not doing you a favour doing something for her it's her gd and she loves and needs her. she wants a relationship with her. that is not conditional on you having to put up with shit. if she makes it so then cope without her for a week and it will prove it to you both.

some people can't be reasoned with - some people you'll never have a reasonable 'normal' relationship with and you just have to sort of manage them and their place and effect in your life. that is what i've had to accept with my mother. once you really, really accept it it gets easier.

it also gets easier when you take yourself out of the equation and realise this is them and who they are and not a reflection of who you are except for the way that their behaviour has impacted on you and how you see yourself etc and that can be untangled a lot.