I have a problem I can't identify. Please help.

[dollydoops]

When I think about my seven year relationship with dp (same sex) I am very confused. I think dp can be emotionally abusive and controlling but worry that I am too. In the past, although this has completely stopped and not happened for a couple of years, dp has physically attacked me (dragging by hair, throwing a drink over me, on one occasion hokding me down and hitting the back of my head) but again, I can say that I always began the 'fight' (by eg holding DP's arms or grabbing her arm or pushing her) so that although her retaliation was way more violent, she was still provoked. The problem Is also that I feel so strongly that I want to make her happy and look after her, but simultaneously feel unhappy about the past DV and her moody behaviour, but as well as this I feel that I am just as bad. Very mixed up and need advice please :(

It sounds like a mutally abusive relationship to me.

Have you tried counselling as a first step?

It doesn't sound remotely healthy. You should probably separate for the time being, do counselling individually and see where you are then.

What started the fights in the first place? There must have been a trigger.

Sounds like you don't really trust her not to be violent again, and perhaps she feels the same way about you. I would agree with Hedley that it might be worth having counselling, either individually or as a couple to get all of the demons out in the open and to assess whether it's worth continuing in the relationship.

Remember you can never make a person happy. You can be kind and respectful, loving and attentive, but if they're not happy even then, it isn't your fault.

DP is very jealous and often used to think I was having an affair (I never was) she has a problem with the fact that I used to go out with men before immet her. Also we used to argue about my parents, who have a bit of a problem with me being with a woman, although I think if dp were a bit nicer and less prickly, my parents would like her more and have less of a problem.

Sorry , my last post was in reply to Redruby.

Jealousy is a big red flag to me. IME it's usually a weapon of control - the "jealous" person is afraid their partner will leave so they heap guilt and suspicion on them to ensure that they can't even look at another person. Is she still jealous or has that died down?

Jealousy and possesiveness are a deal breaker in many relationships. It only escalates while you try to 'prove' your undying love and fidelity then the goal posts will be moved.

Your DP will only be happy if you give up all your friends, family and tear up the photos of your past and throw out any present you have been given by them or others.

And lock yourself in a cupboard when you are not with her.

Sorry OP. I had a very jealous boyfriend in my teens and one day I looked up and found I had no friends left because 'he didn't like them".

He didn't like them because he wasn't the centre of my world when I saw them.

Yes, this rings a bell- I only really have one friend who dp likes. :( she us better than she was but is still jealous of my make colleagues and will eg ask if they were there when I say I have been to the pub with colleagues.

Sorry, is not us and male not make

Bottom line is are you happy? Can you see a happy future one filled with love and mutual respect, because after all said and done that is what you deserve.

Like Cailin and redruby jealousy is a massive red flag. You end up avoiding people your OH either 'doesn't like' or is jealous of, just to avoid argument. It's happened to me a couple of times.

Oh dear, am so torn. I am always telling dp I love her but don't really know why I do or what it means. I feel really protective of her and want her to be happy all the time- is that love?

No that is not love it is trying to make someone happy who will only be happy whilst you are miserable.

Look three years into the future and picture yourself at a dining table with a host of family and friends who 'want' to be there and revel in your happiness.

If you want to do some more thinking on your own I suggest you get hold of Beverley Engel's 'The emotionally abusive relationship'. It addresses both abuser and abused, and deals with situations of emotional abuse. It's available on kindle to download immediately (I have the app on my laptop), I think its invaluable.