How does this sound to you? Salvageable, or not?

[wickerman]

Hello. For nearly two years, since my marriage broke down, I've been in a very intense, emotionally draining, but also very lovely relationship with a much younger man. We've weathered lots of gnarly stuff together, including me losing my best friend, my brother having a nervous breakdown and revealing parental abuse, my daughter becoming very ill, and him going away for work for 4.5 months. We both work in creative industries and work together sometimes, and this work is at the heart of our relationship. I think because of the age difference (15 years) it would not survive without it.

He's incredibly romantic and intense and an immensely excellent and ever ready lover, which given the drought of my marriage in its last throes has been fantastic and necessary for me. He's hilarious, beautiful, charming and intelligent and genuinely loving. He is however also appalling with money, completely disorganised, and emotionally incredibly labile and needy. He thinks nothing of phoning me in the small hours if he is bothered about something, is rigid and demanding and capable of insane bursts of anger or of intensely long arguments about tiny trivial things, into which I find myself getting sucked, normally out of fatigue.

I'm in a head/heart bind. Every time I decide to call it quits, he does something absolutely beautiful, or I am reminded of the intensity of our creative connection. He is a good person, and he has had an appalling upbringing, which he is trying to remedy through therapy.

But I'm a single parent, working f/t, with two daughters on the cusp of adolescence and a lot of responsibilities. I find myself exhausted by his incessant demands and his sometimes hectoring and abusive behaviour. I don't know what the right thing is to do - to grow some and leave, or to grow some and develop stronger boundaries. Your help, please.

Blimey OP. I'm not exhausted on your behalf. Far far too much drama going on.

The thing that makes me say get shot the most is the fact that you say he is sometimes abusive! He sounds like a total manchild.

It's served a purpose for you but now it should be over.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. This sounds like two yearts of intense highs and deep lows; love should not be such hard work. How long was it as well between your marriage breakdown and getting together with this man?.

How does he get along with your children?. Do you at heart feel like you're the parent and he's the child here?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships?. After all they are learning an awful lot from you; are these really the lessons you want to be teaching them?.

Are you really now together now out of habit or because it is somehow "easier"?. If it was not for work would you be together at all? It sounds like you are clinging to each others wreakage and you both do not sound at all suited to each other. You have also thought about calling time on this on numerous occasions but something always draws you back in (only for him likely to revert back to type subsequently; such men never change).

I would listen to your head rather than your heart. No-one benefits from being in an abusive relationship and he sounds like a real drain on you and your resources. He is not your project also to rescue and or save (some women like to rescue and or save such damaged men from themselves, that approach in relationships never works out well).

Oh should have said my kids don't know about it. It is salient I think that I have resisted "coming out" to them about him. Something about it makes me not want them to be part of it.

I think that says it all - you have kept this quiet for a reason. I don't think you see this as long term. You say it is emotionally draining and he can be hectoring and abusive. Any of those reasons is enough to end it.
The good bits don't excuse the bad.

Just think - if your dds were with a man like that, what would you say?

My ex boyfriend of 2 and a half years is 19 years younger than me and I can so relate to much of what you say.
If you want to continue in this relationship I suggest you do the ''reward good behaviour/ignore bad behaviour'' system.
I too got the hectoring aggresive lecturing and it totally drained me. I then started saying ''If you continue to talk to me like that, I will put the phone down/walk away until you learn to speak to me respectfully.''
Believe me this works but you have to stick to what you say.
Obviously he is my ex for a reason -- eventually the bad stuff simply outweighed the good stuff. Only you can say if the good stuff is worth the hard work - it does sound like when your man is good he really is so good. And that is not to be sneered at.

Look at it another way - how many decent, reasonable, also creative and fun men are you missing out on getting to know because you're putting your energies into this exhausting, pretty selfish man?

You know it's not a goer long term- your instinct has been to keep it from your childen. That tells you everything you need to know. If you want a proper, fulfilling relationship, move on!!

"He is however also appalling with money, completely disorganised, and emotionally incredibly labile and needy. He thinks nothing of phoning me in the small hours if he is bothered about something, is rigid and demanding and capable of insane bursts of anger or of intensely long arguments about tiny trivial things, into which I find myself getting sucked, normally out of fatigue." Why do you even need to ask? Listen to your head.