Friendships

[FaultLines]

I know I've posted about this before, but I just need to get it off my chest again and hope that other people have something to add.

I am not an extroverted person, but I love to socialise and make friends. However, I seem to have lost the knack and am hurt and mystified by the amount of friends who have either disappeared from my life or who never seem to progress beyond the 'acquanitance' stage. Pre-children me and my DH had a wide circle of friends and a small circle of very close friends. But since having children many have moved away or seem to have moved on - and even the new friends I have tried so hard to make now seem to have drifted away, too.

Like many men (I think) my DH largely relies on me for his social life - he's shy and not a natural organiser, so I tend to arrange things. But I struggle to make the connections I would like to and which I used to make.

For example, we had a couple we were friends with for years, but since they had their DD (now in school) they have gradually drifted away from us - every so often I make an effort to revive this friendship and they'll come round and visit, but then we don't hear from them again until the next time I swallow my pride and invite them back. It's become so one-sided that I find it humiliating to pursue it anymore. This has happened with other friends we made at that time - we used to have loads of nights out and at-homes pre-children, but now we only see them if I make an effort to invite them out or round to us, we never get a return invite. So, over time I've stopped inviting them because they clearly don't want to remain friends with us.

I've made new groups oif friends at my DDs schools, too, but they seem to be temporary and one-sided - and as soon as I sit back to let them invite me/us, I know nothing will happen. Of the groups that I have mantained contact with, the friendships never become close. For example, I started up a film group with some other Mums where we go to the cinema every month. I know that within that group some have developed close frindships and see eah other (including all the family) in-between times - but whenever I seem to be making a closer friendship with anybody, it always turns out to be one-sided and any invites I make are never returned.

Now I am wary of even trying for fear of rejection, and I probably give off bad vibes as a result - but I despair of making the close connections I would like and need and find the whole friendship thing completely distressing.

Can anybody advise?

Sympathy are you a SAHM or do you work?

I found it very hard to make friends when I was a SAHM. I relocated when I married , didn't do anything except p/t temp work until DC1 was born, then felt ( wrongly) that play groups and toddler groups were not for me in terms of making friends. I also thought I'd be an outcast being a bit of an older mum ( again, wrong!)

I didn't really start to make friends until i went back to work.

It may be that the people you are meeting are just not your type and vica versa- I used to remind myself that just because we had all given birth did not mean we had anything else in common.

Without knowing you, I'd ask you to think about what would put me off someone as a potential friend:

• are you being overly needy when you do meet people?
• are you self absorbed and not a good listener?
• are you boring and have nothing to talk about except the DCs? *is your home on the dirty side of untidy so no one wants to come round?
• are you a gossip so people feel threatened you will bitch about them?

I am sure you are none of the abvoe but worth considering

maybe you should try to make friends away from the usual mummy type gatherings by doing things you enjoy - clubs, activities etc etc.

I found that I made friends when I wasn't really looking for any- people I'd met professionally, neighbours etc who I just clicked with and took it very gradually, not to frighten anyone off.

Friendships come and go due to people having such busy lives these days.

I had a lot more going on when my son was smaller, now he's at secondary there isn't that involvement any more.

I can count my friends on one hand and guess that's the way it is for most.

Friendships also can't be manufactured they happen.

Thanks for the replies, it really helps to see another point of view.

Amelia, I'd like to think I'm none of the things you mention - but in my darker moments I do think people might find me boring - which then causes me to clam up for fear of being boring, which then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy!! I have lost a lot of confidence in myself.

I'm not a SAHM - I work away from home/travel and do have some close colleagues at work - but because this is a different part of the country and because I do compartmentalise my work, they are not people I see socially away from work.

As for the people I meet through DDs schools not being my type - well, I think they are, it's just that they don't seem to agree! For some reason, I seem to skim the surface of friendships with them, never making the deeper connection I'd like.

fuzzynavel - I too have a busy life, but I would like to have a larger proportion of it devoted to friendships. I'm just not sure how to do this. You sound happy with your small group of friends, which is great - I just don't feel I really have any intimate friends at all any more - especially couples to share the friendship with my DH.

I'm very fortunate in that I have known my few close friends for years. Two from my school days. These are the only "intimate" friends I have due to knowing them for so long.

In my experience people mostly come and go, sometimes come back and sometimes not. Depending on your/their circumstances at different time milestones/time periods.

I guess joining a group or evening class in something you have an interest in may be a way to find like minded people with a view to starting new friendships.

Not sure if I have helped at all here

Guess what I'm trying to say is don't feel bad or that it has anything major to do with you, it's just life these day's. Years ago friends/neighbours lived their lives out in the same area. It's no longer the case now.

it may be nothing to do with you- perhaps the others who belong to the mummy circle are just better at arranging things between them?

Do you try to take friendships to the next level? Do you ask people round, offer to help them, show an interest in their lives?

It's true that friends come and go- I have about 3 very close friends and around another 3-4 who I see now and then.

Because I am working a lot now, I am happy to see one friend each week and talk to the others by phone.

I've also got a DH and he is my best friend.

I have though lost 2 friends this year and I know it is because I was a bit needy with them- both good listeners!- and they've backed off.

Hard as it may be, i think you have to try to put the "failed" friendships behind you and focus on making new ones without being full of angst over why etc .

I could be your old friend.

I suck at remembering whose turn it is to host and can happily let months go by without getting in touch. Life sometimes gets in the way and TBH at weekends I would rather relax as best as I can amongst endless teenage sleepovers.....

We have a few big parties where everyone is invited several times a year and manage to go out with friends to gigs, etc.

Thankfully my lovely friends know and accept that but they also know I would be there in a second if needed for anything. Also, anyone is more than welcome to turn up here for coffee/natter/bitchfest at any time. FB is a godsend here....

I would hate to think I was hurting anyone. Maybe your friend is like me?

I don't have anything to add apart from the fact that I could have written your post, I'm in a similar position although I've recently separated from my DD's father and we're moving soon to a new part of the country. So desperate to make a new start of things in our new house with respect of making new friends!!

You have my sympathy....and good luck!!!

OP, I so empathise with you. I've felt like that many times. It's only since going back to work that I've made loads of new friends and met people who I really feel I will develop strong friendships with - and our DP's and DH's are involved too. It's taken years to get here, after a big cross-country move.

Interestingly, none of my new friends have young dc's, and I wonder if this is the key. I think life gets so busy with small children, nobody has the time or energy to get together, arrange babysitting, cook dinner etc.

I have lots of female friends in different areas of the country, and loads of acquaintances here for meeting up for coffee, a drink of wine or with the dc's in tow, but DP and I didn't have any couple friends at all until recently. It didn't help that XH and I separated a few years back so I went back to square one in terms of many couple friends. DP's best friend is lovely, but I really struggle to click with his wife, it's a real shame, but I've pretty much given up.

Try not to be too hard on yourself, you sound lovely, and I'm sure I'd happily be friends with you if you lived anywhere near me (SW!)

It sounds to me like you suffer from social anxiety. You admit that, whilst sociable, you've never been an extrovert. You worry about coming across as boring and are aware that affects your social 'performance'. And where you do have friends, work, you also have a clearly defined role that shapes social interactions so making them easier.

I'm being treated for social anxiety with cognitive behavioural therapy and saw myself reflected in your post a lot. Like you, I have a lot of acquaintances but very few people I'd call friends. I like socialising but have always been shy. I'm comfortable talking to people to work but there there is always a purpose to conversations - as soon as I have to have a conversation that is purely recreational I clam up and have no idea what to say. I never get past the small talk stage. I worry about being boring, a lot. I used to go regularly to a mother and baby group and was upset by the fact that everybody else seemed to be developing close friendships whilst I never got invited out anywhere and was left wondering what is wrong with me, just like at your film group.

I'm reading 'Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness' by Gillian Butler and finding it very relevant to my situation, so I'd recommend that as a first step, and then if you continue to have problems considering some CBT.

Sorry to take so long to acknowledge your responses, I've been away.Your comments are really welcome and I am trying to take positive steps. I have signed up for some new courses (evening classes) and will re-engage with my councellor. It's hard to talk more right now (DC responsibilities calling!), but I am grateful for the support and advice.