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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

should i contact her grandmother?

14 replies

vanillaspice · 09/01/2012 13:40

My ex fiance has shown no interest in his 4 month old daughter. He was on holiday with his new girlfriend when she was born and has not been to see her despite living locally. Is it a mad idea to get in touch with his mum via facebook.She lives in France. I am not after money I am just sad for my daughter that she will not know anyone from that side of her family. Would you want to know?...I have a feeling she has no knowledge of her grandaughter.

OP posts:
pollyblue · 09/01/2012 13:46

Do you know her and know how she might react?

I think it might be wiser to contact him first, and ask if she would be happy to hear about your DD, and want to be in touch. Or better still, he should tell her!

Original poster
vanillaspice · 09/01/2012 14:27

No I have never met her. My ex is not answering any calls or emails from me. He has two children from a relationship before he met me. They spend every second weekend with him. I am not sure if they know about their sister either (they are 12 and 4 respectively).

OP posts:
izzywhizzystwelfthnight · 09/01/2012 14:28

Before you give any consideration to telling your dd's paternal grandmother about her existence I would suggest that, if you haven't already done so, you get child support payments in place either voluntarily from him or via the CSA as this will at least be able to establish that her ds has fathered a child by you.

I'd also suggest that you wait at least until your dd's 1st birthday before making contact with her to give your ex an opportunity to tell his mother that he has made her a dgp.

Original poster
vanillaspice · 09/01/2012 14:34

ok thanks thats good advice. he has set up a direct debit for £25.00 a week without coming to visit her. I had thought 4 months was long enough time for him to tell people but maybe a year is more realistic

OP posts:
izzywhizzystwelfthnight · 09/01/2012 14:52

I would suggest that you prepare yourself for rejection as the father of your dd sounds particularly callous and it may turn out that he's a chip off the old block.

fuzzynavel · 09/01/2012 15:15

I'd email him or text him of your intentions, wait a couple of weeks then contact her. Why not, she is related to you child. She may be delighted.

The worst case scenario would be she wouldn't accept the friend request.

I certainly wouldn't protect the arse of an ex that's for sure!

izzywhizzystwelfthnight · 09/01/2012 18:15

Maybe I'm old fashioned but in a delicate matter such as making contact with grandparents who may not be aware of their descendant's existence surely a carefully worded letter enclosing a photo of the sprog is more politic than sidling up to them on a site such as fb in order to drop the bombshell appraise them, especially if one has not been previously introduced to the ancestors in question?

Naming and shaming is something I advocate on a daily basis, but in matters such as these I don't see any particular need to rush particularly when the grandparents are unlikely to be hands on and the dgc itself is not going to be asking any questions for some considerable time to come.

Have you met or previously had contact with your ex's parents, OP? Were they at least aware of your relationship with their ds?

The saying has it that blood is thicker than water but for some parents this only extends to their immediate offspring and I wouldn't like to think of you being hurt if your good intentions are not well received.

Original poster
vanillaspice · 09/01/2012 21:10

Actually I was walking home this afternoon with babe in pram and my ex drove by us yet again. It happens about once a week. I realised I am actually scared to contact anyone else in his family as I am scared of him. When i was pregnant he warned me against the CSA by saying if I did go to them then he wouldn't bother with her! I am a strong person but this has been eating away at me. I feel so guilty for not selecting a better person as my daughters dad!

OP posts:
mike1May · 09/01/2012 21:23

Imagine the scenario:
25 years from now, you hardly hear from your daughter. She's made her own way in life and you are comfortable with that.
You then receive an email from a man saying that he and your daughter used to date and had a child. He wants nothing from you but thought you had a right to know and would welcome you seeing the child if you desired. A picture is enclosed.
How would you react?

Me? I'd be overjoyed and would be on the first plane over to see my grandchild.

Drop her a line, make it clear that you want nothing from her, and let a beautiful relationship blossom.
BUT, If she doesn't want to know her own grandchild, then she's not worth the effort and you've done your best.
Good luck.

mummymcphee · 04/05/2012 21:28

An update: I posted a message on facebook to dd's paternal grandmother and heard nothing for 2 months.

I got a lovely email today from her asking all about dd, for photo's and explaining that her son had not told her anything about the baby.

I replied with photo's and got an immediate reply asking for more photo's and saying she had phoned her son and got the cold shoulder.

I just wanted to let people know the outcome. I think making it clear in the initial email that I didn't want anything was probably key...thanks everyone and Mr Gin

mummymcphee · 04/05/2012 21:30

vanilla spice = mummymcphee as name changed Grin

MushroomSoup · 04/05/2012 22:27

What a lovely outcome!

MadamFolly · 05/05/2012 11:22

How nice, I'm glad it turned out well for you :)

mummymcphee · 06/05/2012 20:16

Of course I meant to thank mike1may

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