My son has gone to live with my ex

[Sadand]

My ex has persuaded two of our children to live with him. The elder one left 5 years ago and never came back and lives there still. The youngest 16 left this week end. He was in his final year at school and will now miss all his GCSE. We have had very little contact as he refuses to answere the phone to me. I had no idea he was so unhappy. One of the thing he did say was that I never listen. He used to talk none stop and I did tune him out but mostly what he was say was "will you get for me" and "I want". He never talked about having any big problems. His dad has never paid a penny in maintenace or for anything. I pay the mobile phone contract. So I read about keeping the lines of communication open. But if he won't talk to me anyway should I just end the contract?

I'm in a similar situation. I wonder how the relationship ended? My ex left me and our son lives with my ex for an easier life because he can do what he wants with his dad where I discipline him. My son hardly talks to me and I rarely see him.

I think we can let them know we are there and wait for them to come back.

Obviously there's a considerable history which has led to your dc voting with their feet, but with regard to the mobile phone contract I would suggest that you continue to pay for the next couple of months and cancel it if it's not used to keep lines of communication open with you.

I am so sorry

I think the mobile phone contract is the least of your worries, tbh

I absolutely hate the way the NRP can somehow become this God-like person who can do no wrong, particularly when they have fucked off and left the RP with all the shitwork and responsibilty

of course, they never say no and end up looking like the "cool, fun" parent, when in reality they are feckless non-parents

It makes me feel more and more that, in some cases, when couples split (barring abuse of course) that 50/50 residence should be bloody well enforced more so if the NRP never pay any maintenance anyway

I think Scape gives good advice

there isn't much you can really do, other than wait it out, stay pleasant and hope these teenagers find out that grass isn't greener, and actually having a bit of discipline and structure to your life is a bloody good thing

grr sorry, just feel a bit angry for you

My eldest son, now 32, and who has a different dad, did this a few times. I saw eventually that he was playing both of us against the other, in that he went either wherever he could get out of difficulties in the current home, or something extra he wanted in the other one. This included school issues and all sorts.

Personally, I wouldnt continue to pay for the mobile. He will contact you when he wants to, anyway, and not before.

Thank you all I don't feel so alone now.

Everyone is right in saying keep the lines of communication open. He might be living with his father but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you. When he lived with you, he still loved his father. Maybe he just feels his dad understands him more than you at this moment in his life or he needs his dad more.

Whatever the reason, you should set up weekend visits or something.

Its a bit crass, but some parents persuade children to move from one parent to the other to avoid paying maintenance or reverse maintenance payments.

But the OP's ex didn't pay any maintenance in the first place, mynewpassion. I hope to god he's not going to claim maintenance off the OP.

OP, do you think there is a financial incentive on the part of your ex? Will he now be able to claim tax credits etc? Family allowance?

Do you think your ex feels more powerful having your son now?

I would just see it as an interesting experiment. Your ex will find it expensive and your son will no doubt cramp his lifestyle. Does your elder son speak to you? What's your relationship with him like?

My reasoning is purely that if you stop paying for the mobile phone contract shortly after your ds has left to live with his father, you ex will undoubtedly attribute this to spite on your part and your ds might buy into it.

Give it a month or so and let your ds know before you cancel the contract if, indeed, you can - it might be worth taking a look at the small print?

So what's his father going to do with him? You say he's dropped out of school and won't get his gcses? So his dad is going to have to keep him
Does your ex work? Is he proactive? Will he suggest college, finding an apprenticeship etc
It wouldn't be the moving out I'd be so concerned about, it would be his education & career prospects going down the toilet
If he wants to come back you'll have to tell him it's on the proviso he goes back to school

Do you have any contact with your elder son? I would certainly keep the lines of communication open and let him know that you still him and would like to have a relationship with him. It could be that your boys feel the need to be with a father figure as they approach adulthood.

I think that if the dad has had the older boy for 5 years he's unlikely to be the Disney fun dad all the time..hard to keep that up for 5 years.

How long have you been separated from the ex? Do you have any contact with him?

Life is so hard and there is now no communication either way. My ex hates me and is doing this so as to hurt me. He doesn't care that the one it is hurting most is our son. My son is now working when he should be in school. The CSA is now claiming money from my carers allowance but never got a penny from my ex.

I would keep paying, for a while anyway. I know it sucks, but at least you'd know that you never cut off the lines of communication.