just want to be happy!

[angelintraining]

hi, new to this so might not know all the abbrivated words -
I was in a unhappy relationship for 8yrs with an ex who i have 2 dss with (if thats how its said) he loved to drink, take drugs & dissappear every night leaving me at home with kids. after 8yrs, id had enough and he left. i spent 2yrs on my own with the kids crying because i felt isolated, no close family and 1 close friend (who i dont talk to now). tried homestart, councelling, assertiveness course....

any way i met my current partner 2 half yrs ago, i felt i was on cloud 9. he made me feel so good, promised me the world and all that. we have a 18month old dd and since she has been born we just went down hill. all the promises about helping me bring her up, being there for me unlike the ex - was nonsense. I find thats it me doing it all again, while he's on computer or out with friends or more interested in whats going on on facebook! im doing and paying for everything.

we nearly broke up before xmas. i was told im cold fronted, boring and put too many barriers up. yes i find it really hard to socialise due to previous friends damaging my trust and family issues killing my confidence. becoming a mum at 19 i felt comfortable staying at home so yes im a hermit! where as he likes to be out and about with his endless list of friends and family, and spending all spare time playing sports. we are complete opposites!!! he wanted to break up because he knows this and we make eachother unhappy by endless arguements. I asked him to stay and try and make it work but nothing has changed and im so unhappy & he probably is too. i want to let him go but i dont want to go back to that horrible depressed place again, i have no friends or support. the thought of not being with him scares me but being with him hurts me. dont know what to do, i promised myself i wont put up with this again but i am. sorry its long winded but needed to say all the facts

Hi
Firstly i think you need to decide what would make you happy, what you really want?
I have spent years on my own because i felt that made me happier than being in a bad relationship.
It seems alot of relationships are under pressure once kids come along, and i think its because the dynamic changes alot.
Us women do seem to take on the heavy load at times and the men seem to almost retain their single lives.
Do you think maybe that you both need to make an effort to have time together, like a date night night every couple of weeks or something. You say you are happy at home but maybe it would be nice to go out and be together and not just be mum and dad?

Do you still have the DSS with you? I wasn't clear from your post?

hi sazzy32
i want us to be how we were before our dd, we dont have close family on either side to baby sit at the drop of a hat so going out by ourselves is hard. my 2 dss live with me and their dad only has them every fortnight. its a bit of a task to get any child care sorted and my dd is to clingy to stay with a stranger.

you hit nail on the head, so true while mums are loaded down with chores and dirty nappies it seems the dads get to retain their single type social life. i do begrudge this and im always moaning that he spends he time elsewhere while i devote my time to keeping a good home and family.

when i think about the situation i think we are too different to be happy and neither of us should have to change to make this work, as we should be ourselves. but then i think we were happy at the begining of the relationship - most was probably 'honeymoon period' i think the saying goes?

i wasnt happy on my own either and craved for some loving arms and company, then when i got it - it was good but it has now faded. now im unhappy and i guess i will be unhappy with what ever route i take!

I think you maybe have realised that sometimes the person just isn't right.

I was on my own for years but have now met someone, and it was worth waiting for.

Have you got a good circle of friends as i found them to be invaluable whilst on my own?

Sometimes fdifferent people can and do make things work but from the sounds of it he would need to comprimise with the amount of time spent out, and only you know if he might be willing to do this?

Big hugs though, not nice living with this x

we both know we are two complete oposite people, he doesnt want to stay in and im not really into going out, as having kids young has made me become comfy at home (bad trait i know!)

I spent 2yrs on my own but couldnt shake off the lonely, isolated feeling. i dont have a good circle of friends which makes it alot harder. i have one good friend who lives miles away, who i speak to on the phone once a month and and elderly friend. thats it. dont get on with my mum, dad and dont really see relatives.

we decided to give us ago before xmas, he told me i need to go out more be more talkative to his family members - which i have. but he hasnt tried to do anything ive asked since, so i doubt he will change. i dont hate him, i understand he has a good social life - im quite jealous really and wish i had a lifestyle like his. but with no friends a bar or club, cinema is pretty boring!
and... i told him that i wasnt into going out and i find it hard to talk to people when i met him so he was pre-warned so to say lol

think the hardest part of all of this is having had a baby together. if it comes to an end i just feel guilty that i have bought another child into a world of broken parenting! :0(

thanks for the hugs :o)

might be worth seeing if there are any local mums on here?
Mum can be lonely sometimes, but if you can build up a network of supoport it might be alot easier to cope if you do split, but also it might help you to stay together.

What have you asked him to do that he is not doing?

ive looked on local section but it seems no one really talks on there? not confident enough to start a thread saying 'hey im a loner' lol

ive decided to brave a toddler group to see if it might help me get out, get more confidence.

well i asked him to share his spare time with us as much as his hobbies, i asked him to do more with his dd as he spend NO quality time with her and i dont get a break. just to notice us more instead of treating me like a convience. he hasnt tried, he went out from 8am one morning til 10pm evening - came in sat watching telly & scrolling through facebook on phone...
like i wasnt even there! made me feel invincible.

i was told i need to be more fun, talk to people we meet more, and go out - ive went to visit his sister & mum, spoke on the phone to his family and perked up my conversation when weve seen his friends in the street. so ive tried on my half.

Toddler group is a great idea as i really think building some friends as a support network is needed.
You sound like you have done all you can and he now needs to pull his weight and step up. Some men just can't and i know a few married women who really are single mums in every other sense.

Let me know how the toddler group goes!!

PS i'm in Berkshire if thats close?

hi sazzy, yeah its taken 17mths to brave toddler group, i dont really mingle much. with no self esteem / confidence its a big step for me!

thats exactly how i feel - a single parent. some times i wonder why i put up with it. like looking after another child. doubt id see a change, i asked him to step up or leave before xmas and he was willing to seperate! only because i got so upset at the thought of being on my own i stupidly asked him to stay and said i'd stop moaning (yeah dumb!) i know im being taken for granted but love does stupid stuff to your head lol

will let you know how i get on at toddlers, im planning on going monday.

im in essex...oh well its good talking on mums net, i think its a great site.

i was told im cold fronted, boring and put too many barriers up.

Your partner is undermining you.

I find thats it me doing it all again, while he's on computer or out with friends or more interested in whats going on on facebook!

Your partner is a selfish arse.

im doing and paying for everything.

Your partner is a cocklodger.

i spent 2yrs on my own with the kids crying because i felt isolated
the thought of not being with him scares me
any way i met my current partner 2 half yrs ago, i felt i was on cloud 9. he made me feel so good
i wasnt happy on my own either and craved for some loving arms and company

It sounds like you are using relationships as a substitute for self-esteem. Cliché, but true: you will not attract respectful and supportive love from others until you learn to love yourself first. With or without a man in your life.

Deep down, do you love and respect yourself? If not, why not?

hello, youre right about loving yourself and all that... ive been told that many times. i know im hard work, i am my own worse enemy. wollowing in self-pitty..,but id say its only how loved ones/family have made me.

yes being on my own and feeling lonely, id thought having a man around who howed love & affection would bring me out of that depressive hole i was hiding in..wouldnt think it was a type of substatute.

no dont love and respect myself, still trying to work out why???

"no dont love and respect myself, still trying to work out why???"

Here's your answer, I think: "id say its only how loved ones/family have made me"

As for this: "id thought having a man around who howed love & affection would bring me out of that depressive hole i was hiding in"

No. Only you can bring yourself out the depressive hole you are in. Not another person, not a change in circumstance: you. And if you believe that having a man around will make you happy, then you are making yourself a magnet for the wrong kind of man.

And I doubt you're hard work etc. I bet that's what the soul-suckers around you have told you or tried to make you believe, for their own f'd-up reasons.

its not having a man as such, it was the affection some one was showing me, making me feel loved. not that its there any more - which is what i posted about.

its so hard to believe in youself when every one around you is making you feel like nothing - i could tell them to jog on but when its the people who made you it makes it abit complicated.

its so hard to believe in youself when every one around you is making you feel like nothing

What, like this?

If you are referring to your parents, then you may find solace and peers on the Stately Homes thread.

not sure what that link was meant to do? but yes im surrounded by assholes who happen to be my parents and my DC dad, amongst others...

i posted this thread because i needed somewhere to let off steam, as i have no one to talk to in the real world. didnt know what to expect because im new on here but maybe its not the right place.

It was a joke. And to demonstrate that the source of your unhappiness is them, not you, so you will almost certainly feel a LOT better when you do find a way to remove their influence from your life - either by emotional detachment, or by cutting contact. The Stately Homes thread can give you lots of resources, and a place to vent, for that.

That's the long-term approach, of course: to identify how your childhood warped your sense of what it acceptable, and allowed you to find yourself in the situation you are today, with an abusive partner. If these childhood lessons are not examined and changed, you will keep repeating the same pattern.

The short term solution is to ditch the abusive partner. How can you learn to love yourself, when you are being daily undermined by a person who is nothing but a symptom of your own self-hatred?

PUPPY its good that this thread has brought to my attention that my upbringing has made me who i am. im a complete walk over and always feel its me in the wrong - hence letting these people treat me this way for so long.

my DP isnt abusive to me just have difference in oinions.

CRYSTALS - ive realised this would be a re-curing problem with who ever im with/meet so now going to try again to sort 'me' out.
i tried relate with my ex DP and had seen a counsellor about my past which has always had me in & out of depression. the counsellor told me it was partly my fault that i dont get on with or know my family because i didnt try to fix it! pretty hard when ya mother has alienated most of the family - leaving them hating any thing to do with her, including me and my siblings.

yes he is very selfish and i feel like im being taken for granted. by paying for stuff i mean if he's bought tickets to football or playing sports and nights out, im asked if i can put money towards paying for living cost. which i havent got a problem with but i feel he should be putting these first and hobbies 2nd.

i know the end is coming - im just finding it hard to come to terms with it all, as i have no support out here and im scared i will go deeper down hill.

A difference of opinion. Really.

At the moment, it sounds like you both share the same opinion: that angelintraining doesn't deserve respect.

But maybe you are willing to revise that view of yourself.