Has anyone divorced and then regretted it?

[feelokaboutit]

Hi, I am asking because h and I clearly don't get on, and were it not for the dcs, would clearly have to live apart (eg. we spend every single evening in the same room together not saying a word to each other, and eventually go to bed in different rooms). The main thing I find difficult is my TOTAL inability to talk to him about anything to do with "us".

We have three dcs who are 5, 7 and 10 and who would be much better off with two parents who got on. At the same time, I could throw in the towel and then find later on that it was totally the wrong thing to do. To give up stability, the shared home, and family life. And who knows how much contact with the kids I might lose - the very real possibility that when they are older they might decide to live full time with their Dad. In the interim they would have to be able to see both of us and I also have no idea how this would work (in terms of custody arrangements etc...) or how difficult / intransigent / manipulative dh might become. Also, how difficult for them it might be to have to split their lives in half. At the moment they doubtless think being married equates to never showing any affection or talking to your partner, and this I find deeply distressing (that they will go on to have similar relationships), but is this worse than having to be apart from your mum or your dad - never being able to be with them together and having to live a kind of double life where the ground has been pulled out from under your feet? It's so hard to know what to do from this side of the fence.

The other issue is how poor I might become both now and in the future, and I haven't exactly got myself into a high earning position having been a SAHM for so long. The jobs I can go for now are really badly paid (not that they were highly paid before I had ds 10 years ago!!!).

So I was wondering if most people were relieved/happy (after the trauma) at having separated, or if some actually do regret their decision but can't then turn back the clock.

I haven't divorced but from what you said I doubt you'll regret your decision. It sounds like you're living a very difficult life at the moment, and I don't think you'll miss that if it changes. Yes it's bound to be hard on the DCs if you divorce but you have to think about whether it's any better for them to be in a home filled with tension and resentment.

Sadly, the word 'love' is never mentioned. Yes there are practical considerations and traumatic elements of divorce and separation - but there must also be a bond, if you are going to stay.

I don't regret getting divorced, but I was at times very sad on the nights when dc were staying with their dad.

I do regret not trying to do something about our relationship earlier. We saw a counsellor when we were divorcing, but by then the relationship was over and the counselling was focussed on dealing with our split in a civilised way. I have no idea whether it would have made any difference to have counselling at a much earlier stage in oour marriage, but I certainly wish I had given it some thought.

I wonder if you and yourDH could perhaps seek counselling with eh relate? Sometimes habits form and gradually we don't talk or make time for each other. Has there been a particular incident or violence or betrayal? If not, perhaps you both need to address where things have gone off and seek to make time for each other?

Eg not eh.

we spend every single evening in the same room together not saying a word to each other, and eventually go to bed in different rooms

I find your description of how you spend your leisure time unutterably sad and the lack of warmth and dialogue between you and your h undoubtedly adversely impacts on your dc.

You mention the possibility of giving up 'family life' if you divorce/separate and I'm tempted to ask what family life are you referring to?

Can you not initiate conversations about topics other than 'us' to break the ice, as it were, and get you - and him - into the habit of communicating with each other in a civilised manner before you retire to your separate rooms?

Been divorced 7 years now & have not once regretted it. It is quite a process getting divorced when you have children, so you get plenty of time to evaluate your choice.
I doubt very much my two would ever want to live with my ex-H though. It is hard enough getting them to agree to bi-weekly weekend visits.

Thank you. I would talk to dh in the evenings but he spends all his time with his nose buried in his laptop developing websites (sometimes till 1 or 2 in the morning, from about 8 pm) and barely looks up if I talk to him. It's not my choice to spend time like this but he is the one who has in the past said that he would rather go out as a family (which we do) than as a couple. My ideal would be sitting on the same sofa and discussing things with TV and laptops off, but my h is by nature pretty uncommunicative anyway, so this is totally not how he sees things. The silence now is due to resentment I think. So I don't feel that this is how I choose to spend my leisure time, more the situation that I am in. I do go out with friends of mine sometimes, or to the tutorials of the course I am studying, but this is not enough to compensate for the lack of interaction between h and I. Then I will come back from whatever I have done and he won't ask me anything about it, so I have given up and don't talk either.

Thanks for your thoughts. Will carry on plodding on trying to find a way to get out of our stalemate. Am going to see a counsellor (on my own, not a relate one) every week which is helpful.

I think you are right Punk, there does need to be a bond of at least affection, in order to stay.