Have left emotionally abusive relationship - what to say to friends/family?

[thebighouse]

I have posted about this before. I met someone at work who was really nice to me and it's made me realise how emotionally abusive my relationship with DH has been for the last 15 years. I didn't have an affair with this other person but I have now left and am living by myself (50-50 care of the children). I am sure I will end up dating this other person.

DH has told everyone that I've left him with the children (he refused to leave) and that I've left him for someone else. I don't want to slag him off to friends and family and I sort of think it's none of their business. It's also really hard to explain what an emotionally abusive relationship is like - sure I could say that he has anger issues and is controlling but why should I? He's also really depressed and I don't want everyone to hate him.

But everyone seems to hate me and think I am a total bitch! I don't know what to say to them, or how to answer the question 'BUT WHY?!' Everyone thinks he is lovely and sexy etc. and I'm crazy to leave and a bitch for falling in love with someone else.

Any advice?

Firstly, good for you on leaving the relationship.

I was terrified of what people would think of me when I left ex, most of them that knew us both as a couple were pleased with me and I was genuinely shocked by this!

You don't need to explain yourself to people, you will find out who your real friends are and that's a good thing. I told one or two people, everyone else only heard ex's version of events, I didn't care!

How is your ex with the dcs? How old are they? Are they dealing with the fall out of it all ok? Are they hearing all of this too from their dad?

I was just like you, but I would tell them the truth now. They think he's lovely because he deliberately gives them that impression while treating you like shit. He will want everyone to think its all your fault and he will act and speak accordingly.... don't let him. x

Thanks for your reply :)

The children seem to be ok. They are young school age. They are coping much better than I thought (and he said they would be totally destroyed - they are not). It is early days though.

I don't think he would tell them this sort of thing. At one point he said he thought I should tell them that I had a boyfriend (WTF?) but I told him this was insane and was really inappropriate and he backed down. (He is horrified at how I am standing up to him now.)

I just find it really difficult to know what to say when people say 'Why?' I feel like I want to say 'Don't be so rude!' but I'm not that sort of person. :)

When they say "but why?" say that he wasn't very kind to you and that you'd both been unhappy for some time. You need support - nice of you to say that you don't want everyone to hate him, but there's a middle ground and if you come out of this as the bad guy then you'll lose some of that support.

I had this with first husband - he didn't want people to know he'd had an affair and like a fool I allowed it to seem that I'd just randomly upped and left. Eventually I had enough and told his parents, sister etc.

You can say things that will make people less reactionary to the news and make them think a little more. Like I say I didn't tell many people all the ins and outs, only one or two, but most people could read between the lines and get the gist of the situation.

No one knows what a relationship is like apart from the two people in it.
You were extremely unhappy in the relationship.
People don't up and leave their marital home on a whim (I left with my son while he was at work, as I was advised to do by women's aid) - surely most people with a little common sense will realise this.
You are still both parenting your children doing shared care.

I was in a similar situation. Here are the realisations that helped me:

• Don't hold your ex's shame for him. Tell people the simple truth that you are comfortable with sharing. This could be anything from "the relationship wasn't healthy / he wasn't very kind to me" to giving specific examples of behaviour that you found intolerable.

• Neither you nor your ex can make anyone think well or badly of you. They will make up their own minds, for their own reasons. Therefore, free yourself from considering other people's opinion of you as paramount.

Thanks for your advice so far... it's very difficult in some ways because I just put up with it and thought it was all part of compromising in a relationship. Everyone thought we were really happy.

Well then everyone was wrong. You don't owe it to them to maintain an illusion.

Don't keep his secrets for him. It is healthy for you to find ways of talking about this openly. Something like it was an unhealthy relationship, he was controlling will let those who want to hear all they need to know. I am quite open about dv, ex's bit on the side and lies as covering for him in the name of compromise just meant he got worse.

Hi op i agree with other posters, you dont have to maintain the front for him anymore, what goes on behind closed doors for some people can be so very different to what public image is given off, my exh was the same, to everyone who knew us fairly well he was the life and soul of the party, chatty accomadating etc etc but at home he was not that way at all, i have to say our close friends and family knew things werent always as they seemed but couldnt necessarily put their finger on what was iffy! firstly i would explain things to your dc and always leave the door open for them to ask more questions, mine still do and its been over a year, secondly if they ask, i would sit close family and friends down and just explain the core issues you dont have to tell them everything, and thirdly dont worry what anyone else thinks which is much easier said than done i know,

my ex went around telling people that i have mental health problems and thats why i have suddenly ended a perfectly good marriage!!!! i even had a few neighbours giving me a wide berth in case i 'flipped out' i was fucking fuming tbh, but my close friends and family know that this is utter rubbish and he was desperate to maintain his clean cut image in front of people, i used to think his shame was my shame, (he had issues with porn, drinking, spending money we didnt have, violent outbursts at me the kids and usually total strangers ) but i have come to realise these are his problems not mine, he has a new realtionship now and as they say time will tell, i have moved on and it feels bloody great!! HTH

Tell the truth.

I have been astonished at what I have found out about other people and their relationships, and relationship breakdowns, by telling the truth.

Abusers ALL label their victims as mad....and the more people that know this, the better!. I think people can sense when someone has genuine MH problems....in fact I know they can. People can sense all kinds of things. Trust them!

People know more than you may think, and these kinds of relationships are terribly common.

You dont have to explain anything to anyone , its your private business and its not apropriate for people to ask . If they do its enough to simply state that things have gone wrong and firmly change the subject . If they insist look serious and say its probably better if he tells you himself

In my experience , you will meet people who will understand and who have experienced , or are experiencing , similar . You will know it when you meet them .

Anyway , who are these people who think badly of you ? Neighbours ? Freinds ?
It is always difficult , even if you told some of these people the truth , they may have their own issues to deal with and be eager to dismiss your reasons for leaving as a way to deny their own rotton marriages . Its something i found quite difficult to deal with , especially with close freinds .

Tell them as much of the truth as you can bear to tell them.
If they have a problem with that, it's their problem.
But you may find that they realised you were in an abusive relationship long before you did.