Just separated from DH of 20 years and need some support if pos please x

[Tinkerbell1970]

I feel so guilty and prob going to get told so I should or something so have been a coward and name changed .
DH and I have been together 20 years and have 4 dc.
Everyone around us thinks we have such a wonderful marriage.
it's all been quite fake.
we both have good jobs because we have worked our butts off for years and it's been tough .Our marriage has become like running a business , with me in charge and organising everything. when I drop something it all comes crashing down in a heap and only I seem to sort it all out again.
All are friends are mine and all my social life is without him. he never wants to go anywhere or do anything and has no friends.
he isn't a bad person or nasty or violent he is just happy doing nothing. I mean absolutely nothing. . . No hobbies no friends he wouldn't even walk the dog .
saying that he has a good job and works long hours but would never ever come home and say let's go for a walk !
ore and more I have found his dependancy on me irritating and now
we argue constantly.
we rarely have sex, about twice a year.
unfortunately the arguments have got to the stage where I asked him to please go stay with his mum for a while so the children didn't hear us bickering. Even if they don't hear the atmosphere is not one I want the dc to be around. I'm really worried that they will base their future relationships on ours which is not affectionate and we have no fun together.
Should I carry on as he wants us too for the sake of the dc. deep down I know that's wrong which is why I've plucked up the courage to ask him to go.
I'm sitting here thinking omg am I messing my entire families heads about because what if in a few days I really miss him and want him home ?

We are going to relate.
I've been unhappy with him for quite a while to the extent that I've secretly been self harming and drinking. . . What if it s not our relationship at all it's just me who has the problem?
he has actually done nothing wrong except not acknowledge how unhappy I am and he says he is willing to change but I've pushed him away and sent my dc dad away . Should I keep trying for sake of dc ? I have said for a long time I want a separation and now he has gone I'm scared and I hate hurting him but thought it was best for dc because of the way we were behaving . I really thought we would be better parents apart. That won't stop me caring about him though . I'm in a mess but need to put dc first at all costs.

When did the problems in your marriage first surface and how long has he been gone?

Have namechanged for this, because I'm ashamed.

I'm you, but about six weeks behind and I've behaved badly.

You could have described my husband, except my husband doesn't work in a job with long hours.

He's a nice fella, but my God, I feel like I've been pushing him along for fifteen years of marriage and I am EXHAUSTED.

We've decided to separate, at my instigation. We haven't told family or the children yet, and I am shitting myself.

My dh made changes too, but way too late, long after I'd emotionally detached to the extent I had an affair. I'm not trying to excuse my behaviour, but believe me when I tell you I had spent years trying to drag him to counselling, have a trial separation, you name it, he wouldn't do it.

And then I fessed up, and he pulled out a few stops, but not enough and far too late.

But he doesn't hit me, gamble, cheat, lie or do any of the things that would make it so much easier to leave. We just don't work.

Vile, isn't it?

Hi. I don't know how long really tbh but years not months. You probably wouldn't believe me if I said that I honestly never saw me leaving as an option because my family would have hidden me under the rug rather than let me come home incase the neighbours heard ! I was brought up to believe I'd made my bed and would lie in it what ever . ive never been in a financial postion to just walk out and rent somewhere else . in the last few years ive thought how much i dont want my own dc to ever feel like this. They can always come home and not feel they have no choice. When I've asked my DH to discuss separation in the past he has never ever listened. refused point blank to discuss it.
hes been gone since 9 pm tonight.

Chantey do you have dc

Changey sorry.

Yep, that's like me too.

Out of four siblings, not one divorce or separation. In any branch of the family. My mum and dad go on and on about their perfect family.

It's a nightmare. They are going to be gutted.

Yes, two. They are 11 and 13 and really love their dad. As they would, he's great with them. To a point.

So I've agreed to 50:50 split re: kids. Which means that for half the week I'll be without my dcs. Which is terrifying.

This all resonates with me. Told my mum a while back, she said I was repeating history. I am a strong believer that people change through their lives and the person they met when they were 19/20 arent always going to be the one they spend the rest of their lives with, indeed it is possible for women to be happy on their own.

Take time for yourself, as you say the kids are better not hearing and i know from my experiences that even when things arent thrown about or loud shouting kids know when there is something wrong and they blame themselves.

I dont drink or self harm and feel for you that you do, I just wither away inside, good luck for your future whatever it holds.

If you've been self-harming and abusing alcohol I would suggest that you ask your GP to refer you for counselling to tackle these issues because, even if you find that your compulsion to harm yourself subsides now that your dh is no longer in the house, you need insight into why you resort to this behaviour when certain situations get the better of you.

It may be that you begin to miss your dh but, in that event, I would advise you to give yourself at least 3 months without him to gauge your true feelings as what may seem to be compelling reasons to reunite may simply be reliance on the familiarity of having him around, even though you were clearly extremely unhappy when you were sharing a home with him.

"my family would have hidden me under the rug rather than let me come home incase the neighbours heard!"

This rings bells for me. Telling my mother i was leaving my husband was hugely stressful for me and i put it off and agonised about it for ages. It was a hellish time and worrying about her just made it all even worse. 5 years later now she still uses this simpering, daft, indulgent voice when she talks about XH that makes my blood boil! Grrrrrrr. Despite the fact that both me and XH are happy with new partners now (he within 6 months of me leaving), deep down i dont think she has forgiven me, but has had no choice but to go with the flow.

Anyway - sorry - the simple point i was going to make is that it is hard to drop the bombshell but family DO get over it .... dont stay where you're unhappy through fear of rocking the boat. Life is too short. In my experience XH and i splitting up was best for everyone in the end. Children included.