How to cope with not seeing family again

[Missboobyvontits]

Today has seen in a complete break down in communication with my brother that has resulted in my DH being punched in the face and brother arrested.
I clearly do not wish to speak to my brother ever again but what about my sil who has always been like a big sister to me and my dn who I love vey much. I feel sad for my kids knowing that we now won't be invited to my family's wedding and christening etc and since my DH family is virtually non existent so nothing there either.
I am very close to my mum though she said she will not take sides. I understand this but feel I want her to take my side in this as my brother has been completely out of order.
I keep saying to my DH that our family ends at our front door with perhaps my mum and his dad but I'm not sure if I mean it. I feel sad about my loss of family.
Just not sure how to handle this.

Why did your brother punch your DH?

Completely trivial matter resulting in my brother having a go at DH at a lovely family get together resulting in tears all round. Resulting in DH emailing brother telling him he was out of order. Relationship with brother has up to now been ok he is a bit snidey and sarcastic but this is totally out of character.

Okay so what's really behind it? Why would two whole families need to never see each other again because of one hot-headed punch about a trivial matter? I'm wondering why this massive fallout has to happen.

I think after seeing my brother punch my DH on my doorstep in front of my dd, I don't I can ever have a relationship with my him again. My brother thinks he is better than my DH and looks down on him to be honest.
My sil has also said that following her husbands arrest there is no going back now. My argument is not with her, but I can't see how it can get better we both are clearly going to defend our own husbands over the incident.

But booby that's your choice - you, as sensible women, should not take sides to defend your silly husbands doing silly things. You don't have to like each other to get on, to exchange christmas cards, to let dcs and nieces and cousins play together. Take a leaf from your mother's book and don't take sides.

I have three cantankerous brothers and we are always arguing. It comes, it goes, but we never take sides. The extended family, our children are far too important and we all know that. Don't fall for the melodrama. What SIL has said may just be what she thinks she ought to say, not what she really wants.

Yeah but the problem with my family is that we are all too reserved, too closed, everything swept under the carpet. If we were a loud chatty family who argued and then kissed and made up this would never have happened.
It feel like a festering boil has been lanced and I don't know to deal with the fallout. Perhaps it is still early days but I really don't think I can forgive my brother, is it not better to cut out the hurt he has caused and just concentrate on those living under this roof, or will I be hurting myself in the long term in not seeing my extended family.

I think this is considerably worse than two men being silly. It sounds as though your brother has been a thorn in your DH's side for a long time. I also read it that he attacked your husband - this wasn't a fight. To do so in front of your DD must have been terrifying for her. I can see why you'd want to erect barricades and support your husband and DD fully, in never exposing them to your brother's toxicity ever again.

I'd write a letter to your SIL and leave the door open for the SIL/aunt/cousin relationship, but suggest she does this in her own time.

When you say a festering boil has been lanced, what do you mean? What's all that about? What exactly has been swept under the carpet - I can't help thinking that there must be something very serious going on for someone to punch someone like that. I said they were being 'silly' because you implied that there was nothing behind it - and it would be silly to punch someone over nothing.

I don't see why you and SIL can't still meet without your partners. You can just go along as if nothing happened and/or agree not to discuss this incident. it is possible. Your DC shouldn't miss out on having cousins.

Thank you both for your comments, my DH is a bit of a joker but has a heart of gold. My brother is completely different pretty quiet on the whole but very dry and sarcastic. My brother who is older than me was quite horrible to me growing up physically and mentally. I have put it down to just brother and sister stuff but looking back he has never been a loving and supportive brother. I recently met a childhood friend of my brother who said his memory of me growing up was that I was always crying and that my brother took the taunting too far at times.
Since my father died a couple of years ago, I have become even closer to my mum and so has my husband. My mum has said how my DH is like a son to her and that she can talk to him unlike my brother...none of which has ever been said in front of my brother, but he know my mum is close to my DH and we are always taking her out and including her in days out etc. while my brother goes round my mums just to sit silently watching the tv. In fact it a chore to get him to speak at all.

That makes things a bit clearer. A very quick analysis if you want one may be that he has always been jealous of the relationship you have with his mother. It may be that your mother has aggravated this deliberately, it may just have been unconscious. She wouldn't have been the first mother to favour one child over another but it can be extremely damaging to a child. It is likely that he will never be good enough for her, and if he feels that the relationship will always be difficult as you too.

Sadly when a child is continuously rejected by their mother it can result in the child growing up to reject closeness and live in an isolated way, as a means of self-preservation. After that the narcissistic personality develops, one that can't empathise (because they can't get close to anyone) and one that can't love (because they have never been loved). Now what you say about being bullied by him as a child may be his early desperate attempt to get some attention from your mother.

I may have got this completely wrong, but it is very familiar to my situation with my brother.

Mmm my brother was always closer to my dad and took his death very hard. I don't think my mum has ever rejected him consciously it has always seemed like it was him rejecting her. He has a very close relationship with his wife though which makes me think she will do as she is told...he is quite controlling in that way.
How are things now with your brother horsetowater?

Oh dear then my fears may be justified. This kind of behaviour does often result in the narcissist becoming controlling in a relationship - I'm no psychologist but essentially it's about being able to get what you need from a relationship without having to give anything emotionally.

Recently my brother did something that I thought was out of order, then spoke me in completely out of order way. I confronted him about it and he's now in a strop. At Christmas everyone said 'so I hear you're not speaking to ...' but it's not just me he's been like that with - I'm just the only person that won't put up with it. He's very childish and selfish, has seperated from two partners, doesn't have a proper job and is generally very egoistic. Women fall for him wherever he goes and he has a steady stream of friends who think he's a genius and so it continues.

But within the family we know his ways and don't take it personally. He's 'depressed' at the moment so has everyone's support in theory, but we know he's only depressed because he makes a catastrophe out of every relationship that comes his way. Sorry that sounds so flippant, but he really is a drama queen. His relationship with my Mum is very close now, very different to before.

Take a look at the links on the emotional abusive relationships thread - there's more there about narcissistic personalities etc. It may help your SIL if this is what's going on with your brother.

Yes my brother is very childish and selfish too, though the relationship with his wife is the only one he has had.
I will check out those threads tomorrow, must try to sleep now though I just keep reliving it all over and over. Ironically, DH is sleeping like a baby.
Thanks for your help horse to water and everyone else who has commented i feel quite alone right now.