My Father is leaving my mother after 40 years...possibly for a 30 year old!!

[DoNotOutMe]

So my father & mother have been married for 40 years. They've lived abroad, in poor Asian country, for ten years. My mother gave up a good job to go with him, although she pushed him to go.

She's a nightmare and goes nuts all the time about everything and speaks to him like shit, he is an emotional void and deserves most of the 'telling off'. I can't blame him for wanting to leave, although waiting until she's sixty is pretty gutless. They've just bought their dream home in the UK, nothing enormous but just what my mother has always wanted.

Anyway, long story short. I think he's met someone, five years ago he slept with a 26yr old prostitute where he is and my mother stayed. He caught an STI from the encounter.

She says she will stay married to him so he can't marry another woman and stay where he is. (You need a visa to live there) And they can wait for house prices to rise before they sell.

I'm not sure what to do, he told her at Christmas whilst in the UK, then she's gone back with him. She has a lot of valuable jewellery there and a decade's worth of stuff. I think either my father will beat the living daylights out of her or she'll kill herself.

It's all such a fucking mess.

I thought he was gutless and devoid of emotion? Why would you think your father
Would kill her?

if he is leaving her, why would he beat her? Tell him to just go.

Honestly, I think you should just try to stand back from it all. It sounds awful, but I am not sure what you can do really

Sorry they are abroad right now, and he's hit her many times before. She's going into full on screaming shouting meltdown. I guess devoid of emotion means 'nice' to mean and gutless is that he should have done it years ago, not waited until she had no future or rather not as much of a chance at a future.

I am sitting back and waiting. I'm not really sure why I posted. I know I 'll never see him again though.

She is in the other country without her passport, that's with the authorities for a week and then she can fly home. So 'leaving' technically means he stays in the country they lived in and she returns to their UK home until it's sold.

Er, I'm confused about how she's the one who's 'a nightmare' when he's the one beating her up on a regular basis? Having 'emotional issues' because of domestic abuse is hardly that unpredictable...

I find it really odd that you mentioned that she is a victim of domestic violence almost as an afterthought

I think you should stay out of it completely...it's all totally fucked and I'm not really sure how you possibly help

Do you feel love for either of these two people because you come across as some sort of bystander

I reckon she will come back and leave your father there. He will get on with his life over there and she will remain in the house in England. Does she love your father? Ive had a similar thing happen in my family. My mother just wouldnt let my dad go and still goes on about him every day and, its been twenty odd years. They just werent compatible. Your mum needs to collect her stuff and get the hell out, if she is in any danger. I expect your dad is frustrated. In my instance, my dad just wanted a quiet life in his adopted country and gave my mother the house. That might happen in this case.

I know I'll never see my dad again as well I know where you are coming from.

I find it bizzare in your op you paint your mum as bad cop. He's been beating her for years, you think he may kill her. He's been shagging prostitutes.

No wonder she isn't pleasant to him, she must fucking hate him.

I would certainly be happy to never see a man such as this again

why did she go back abroad?

Sorry. I will explain. My mother is a nightmare, with or without the sporadic domestic violence, she made my childhood quite tough. She would also goad my father, by screaming and shouting at him about us, knowing he would hit us (myself and sibling). He was never emotionally available to myself and sibling, hit us into our twenties, although not so much. Part of this was because he's from a damaged family, but this also suited my mother who reminded us all of our childhoods that my father was much more important than us.

Perhaps this all sounds crazy, abnormal, and I am seeing a counsellor, but I don't think they should stay together and feel dreadful for my mother., The circumstances for her are awful in many aspects of her life, her brother is dying and she has chronic lung disease, she has been with my father since she was fifteen. And f you ask her if she's a victim of domestic violence she'll tell you she is not.

He is a bastard, beating her for years sounds a bit much. More like every now and again he'll hit her....which obviously sounds like I'm diminishing the severity or gravity, which I'm not. It's all very confused.,

She went back because she was in denial and she wanted her stuff back,. She believes, as do I, that if my father shacks up with a native (I use this to not out the country not as some wink to imperial Britain) they won't think twice about having all my mother's jewellery. There must be £50k of the stuff.

She should collect her jewellery and stuff, and come back to the UK house ASAP. Also she should allow a divorce. Sounds like she'd be better off with him out of her life.

If she has her dream home in the UK can't she sell her 50 k of jewellery and come home and live off that? If there is more than one room she could rent out surely? Just to top up her income?

Anyhow, she needs to gift any valuables to you asap so that you can look after them for her.

Is she scared that once she leaves your father, ge will effectively disappear out of her life and leave her stranded?

I think the going back was part denial, that if she went back he would want her to stay. They only got their home in UK this June, their old house was rented out.

I have asked my father if he will sort out a container for all of her stuff.

Is that jewellery really worth 50k though? If it hasnt got a stamp on it then it wont be worth nearly as much and, most gold from the old days abroad hasnt usually got a hallmark. I take it the house is paid for? I still think she should come home and live in the UK house and leave him to his seedy little lifestyle. He might not push to sell it if he is working out there.

I think its very hard for a woman of that generation to except divorce tbh. I hope she sees some sense.

You can get jewellery valued and hallmarked if it is from outside the UK. You just need to go to/ or send it to the Assay office in Birmingham, so I wouldn't worry about that. I've done it a few times.

If the jewellery isn't of sentimental value, now would be the time to sell it, whilst the market is peak for sellers, this would give her more security for an independant lifestyle.

is your dad comfortably off op? Or will he cut her off and squander their life savings on young women?

Thanks for that, I must dig out my old gold!!

Will your dad stay out there for the rest of his life now? He might not be bothered about the house if he has insurance policies etc.