Can't go on

[Prforone]

I'm at a complete loss and sometimes feel like ending all this misery once and for all :o(

I have no-one in my life, save for my gorgeous daughter who I honestly believe would be better off with her dad. My dad took his own life two years ago, a month later my mum discovered she had terminal cancer and passed away within four months of her diagnosis. I have a sister but we are not at all close. Our only involvement in each other's lives is to swap presents for the kids at Christmas and Easter.

And now, to top it all, I found out on New Year's Eve that my partner had cheated on me with his ex-wife. When I tackled him about it, he just grabbed his stuff and left.

I feel so alone and don't think I can handle this any more :o(

I'm sorry I've been offline for a while - cried most of the afternoon and slept when I wasn't crying. And, as per usual, once my daughter was in bed, I went back to crying again

I'm so very grateful to all of you for your touching responses. I wish I could see things as clearly as you.

Perhaps I should explain - my mum passed away back in 2010. My partner didn't leave as a result of this; I wasn't actually with him at that time. He left because I found out he had cheated on me with his ex-wife. I guess she was a more exciting prospect than me, and how can I compete with the mother of his children?

The psychiatrist assessment I am supposed to get organised is so that I can go ahead with counselling covered by my private medical cover. So far my GP has given me the name of the psychiatrist for my insurance company to arrange an appointment with, so wheels are in motion.

What I'm having trouble with is moving things along because I have such low self-esteem at the moment that I don't believe I'll conquer this feeling of utter loneliness and failure. I failed at my marriage pretty much from the outset. The only good thing to come out of it was my daughter. I was left to bring her up on my own when she was just three months old, and from that moment on, I felt an absolute failure as all the other new mums I knew had their partners around. At least during that time I could call my mum for reassurance that I'd be okay.

My ex-husband eventually faced his responsibilities and started being a part of our daughter's life. He now sees her on a regular basis and she spends every other weekend at his house.

My next partner was around at the times of both my parents' deaths and tried to be supportive, but he left me the day after I was burgled and all my mum's jewellery was stolen (ironically a year to the day she had died).

I hooked up with the partner who's been cheating on me a few months afterwards. He was an old school friend and what started out as friendship and support for me turned into a serious relationship. He'd even recently been talking about me moving in with him. Having had a disastrous 2009 and 2010 dealing with my parents' deaths, I was beginning to think things were looking up for the end of 2011 and beyond. Then, on New Year's Eve afternoon, I found out about the cheating.

I haven't had the courage to tell my daughter that "he" won't be around any more. She'll be gutted as she not only got on with him but was very fond of his kids (just a bit younger than her do she treated them like siblings). So I feel like I've let her down too

Christmas is always a rough time without my mum as she'd usually be spending time with us, but I can't handle her not being here now more than ever.

I'm like Midas - with the difference being everything I touch turns to sh*t

I am glad you came back

I don't know what to say, and wouldn't even attempt to try and jolly you into feeling better

I kinda think that things couldn't be much worse though, so they can go only one way and that is up with the help of a skilled counsellor

(well, I can think of one worse thing, but you are not going to do that for your daughters sake, are you)

Christmas is a fucking awful time when you have lost loved ones, but finding out about the cheating at a really vulnerable time for you must be completely devastating

January is'nt much better...dark and dismal with spring seeming like such a long way off

but I hope for you that better times will come in the following months, and you have to hold out for that

keep on taking one day at a time, and cry all you need to

care for your daughter and care for yourself x

Hi op, I'm pleased you've come back on before I go to sleep, well ill attempt it st the very least. I had a read of your last post and want to assure you that you re not alone in choosing seemingly shit men. There's loads of us about. I'm not sure why you're taking the responsibility for their behaviour though, none of it is your fault, you are most certainly not to blame. What a lot of pressure you put on yourself, a bit of self kindness and self loving wouldn't go amiss. You seem really resourceful too despite how you re feeling. I think its great you're seeing a psychiatrist. I suspect some meds readjustment and counselling will be the first step to your recovery. In the meanwhile, be realistic, you've been through hell and you're grieving. Acceptance can often be a comfort. You won't be fully recovered overnight but I ll bet tomorrow will give dome relief. I'll be about a while longer if you fancy a bit more offloading.

Bloody phone. Sorry for the typos.

Thanks but I don't know what else there is to offload. I know I'm feeling incredibly sorry for myself at the moment but I really can't see any good stuff on the horizon. I don't even have the energy to follow up the organising of the psychiatric assessment.

You sound very depressed, please follow it up

You sound exhausted. Any chance you ll get some sleep?

I will try, for the sake of getting my DD out of bed in the morning. Hard task when I don't even want to get out of my own bed.

After you have got dd off to school, ring the gp to ask if he can hurry along your appointment

You need help quickly

And remember if you need to talk to anyone in the night, the Samaritans are alwys there 08457 90 90 90 (if you are in the UK)

I'm off now op. Here's wishing you some restful sleep. Take care. X

Just one piece of advice here: make sure you follow through with the doctor and get that counselling. I know it seems like you don't have the energy, but you have to do it, it's the most important thing you can do for your daughter right now. Make this the most important goal you have for the next few weeks. And do whatever it takes to get better. Don't give up just because the red tape is difficult to get through, because you really need this and it will help you become well again. With the ADs, if they aren't working make sure you keep asking the doctor if you have the right medication and the right dose. Different people respond better to different ADs.

It says something for your mindset (or brain chemistry) that, although you have been beaten down by some very tough stuff the last few years, instead of having compassion on yourself, you beat yourself up for 'feeling sorry for yourself'.

If you can't imagine having compassion on yourself, imagine how you would feel if your lovely daughter had had all the things happen to her that have happened to you. You'd feel a lot of compassion, right? You'd want to hold her and soothe her. Well, that's what you deserve so give yourself a break and be kind to yourself. If you had a broken leg you wouldn't be sneering at yourself because you couldn't walk.

I know full well from experience that depression like this can make it almost impossible to move BUT can you try to do some exercise? I know the 'e' word can seem insurmountable but it doesn't have to be strenuous, just as much as you can manage. ie walk up the stairs, jig about to some music, walk swiftly around the block. It has an extraordinarily beneficial effect on your brain chemistry which, at present, is not firing the feelgood chemicals as it should and would if you were well. Try not to take your thoughts seriously or personally - I know that's hard but if you can recognise that what you are thinking is not 'you', or even accurate, then it will go some way to helping you not engage too seriously with negative thinking.

Please also try to get the main food groups in to your daily diet, even if you only have a small amount, and try to avoid shit food that depresses your mood eg sugar and simple carbs (white flour). Do avoid alcohol as it just isn't worth it.

I hope you're not reading this because you're on the phone to your GP or MIND or SANE etc! Changes depression support group operates in Stoke on Trent and Bristol if you're anywhere near but please do look at the site to get some very good tips and support. You're not alone - plenty of us have walked this wretched road and have come out the other side. Hold on for your daughter's sake, sweetheart (yours too but you may not see that at present). xx

Hi Prforone, I usually lurk and very rarely post but I felt compelled to write to you after reading about your situation. You've had lots of well-meaning advice so far but I know how insurmountable things can feel when you're in such a dark place. You've been through some horrible times and you sound incredibly resilient and strong. The fact that you're on here talking about it means that you've got that fighting spirit in you even if, right now, the most mundane of tasks seem like a huge mountain to climb.
I was depressed for a long time years ago and I know how it feels to see no way out and to think that the easiest solution would be to end it all...but deep down, you know it is not and you have a beautiful daughter who would be forever bereft without you.
Please be kind to yourself...you are entitled to feel the way you do and to cry at the loss of your parents and the betrayal from your partner. You did not deserve any of this and although the future might look bleak right now, little steps can make a big difference...give yourself time to heal and to process your pain. Lean on your daughter for support...she will want to be there for you and will give you a reason to smile until you'll find yourself smiling more and wanting to enjoy life a bit more. It won't happen overnight but it will...you sound like a wonderful person. Please don't ever forget that.

How are you doing today Prforone?

Sorry for my absence. Have been laying low as still feeling very sorry for myself.

Had to take a day off work today because of car trouble and almost felt relieved I didn't have to go out and face anyone. Thought it may have been a good opportunity to blitz the house, which currently looks like a bomb's hit it as I'm seriously lacking enthusiasm for anything. But I ended up going to bed and dozing on and off all day.

DD goes to her dad's on Wednesdays so I had no need to get up. But she'd left her overnight bag at school so he turned up this evening to pick up clean clothes for the morning. I got out of bed and was dreading facing them both. But I got her stuff together and answered the door, only to burst into tears, which made me feel worse as I didn't want my DD seeing me like that. She asked what was the matter and I told her I just didn't feel well. She very sweetly told me to "go to Daddy as he'll give you a hug and make you feel better"'. Of course I didn't as didn't want to put him in an awkward position. But I was quite surprised that he just stood there and didn't even ask if I was okay.

They left and I've spent the rest of the evening in tears. I've let my DD down by being upset in front of her. And the fact that my exH didn't even question my tears just proved to me how insignificant I really am in his world. Not that I want him back in my life or anything but as the mother of his child I would have expected an inkling of concern. Mind you, this is the same guy who has never got me a Christmas, birthday or Mother's Day gift on her behalf, whereas I always ensure she has a present to give to her daddy.

So I'm sitting here now, surrounded by clutter, with clothes waiting to be laundered and rooms waiting to be cleaned and no idea how I'm going to tackle any of it. I can't even take care of our living space, let alone myself

Hello :)

I can't tell you any lovely stuff because I've been feeling suicidal since just before Christmas! However - and it's quite a big however in the scheme of things - I've been feeling various degrees of shit since 2000 and I still wouldn't want to have missed out on stuff that's happened in the past decade. Not a lot of stuff, but enough to remind me it's worth "putting one foot in front of the other" - or standing still, even - rather than knocking it all off for good.

You've got a source of Moments that I haven't, so you've even more reason to try your feet for a while longer: your daughter. She'll change and grow so fast; you'll have so much wisdom and influence to share with her, you are a huge part of the woman she'll grow to be :) Would you want her to grow up as the girls whose mother gave up (on her)? Nope! So don't.

And don't give up on yourself, either. Life is a bastard to many of us. It's almost as though Santa brought presents for all the other kids, then left the room without noticing we were there. Fuck it; we were there, and we still are!

Get the help available to you. I saw a fabulous psych on BUPA, then had lots of top-notch therapy. When the insurance ran out, I eventually got more top-notch therapy on the NHS. I learned a lot of incredibly valuable stuff. You don't sound even a tenth as fucked-up as I was but, even if you are, you have stuff to look forward to and you can see it now. Assuming you're saner than me (heh), your treatment will give you the tools to realise your very best potential. And that's worth hanging in for, isn't it, for your daughter's sake as well as your own.

PS: Sometimes a Lovely Treat For Me is far more important than the jobs I haven't done. My house is filthy. I mean filthy, you could stuff a large teddy with the dust & cobwebs. I'll get around to it. You know what? Nobody, ever, in the history of the world, has died saying "I wish I'd done more housework." They look back on their wonderful Moments and everything they've relished. You can do that.

sorry that the git didn't respond - he could've been overwhelmed (she says, hopefully) but I do so know the smack in the face when you fall apart and people do that cold thing . the day will come when you will be able to hold it together and hold your own again - go easy on yourself because that day isn't today: it is no reflection on you as a person. Don't worry about your daughter, I personally don't go with this idea that kids should never see their parents having a wobble. There's a lot of pressure for parents to slavishly serve the kids these days - I'm not sure it's all that healthy tbh. She sounds like a sweetie.

Can you hire a cleaner? i certainly would Make up some lies about why the house is in a state and go to bed, let the cleaner hoover around you. Pull the duvet over your head and do some flu moans. In fact, have a pretend flu day - I used to do that on the days I couldn't get out of bed because I felt so shit.

let the cleaner hoover around you. Pull the duvet over your head

... I want THAT!
Good advice, Springy. If you have the cash, OP, follow it :)

Prforone I'm really sorry your ex didn't seem to care, that must have hurt.

Please don't worry about crying in front of your DD- I believe that kids need to know that sometimes growns up feel sad and don't have all the answers. I've done it in front of my DC before now.

Housework? Forget it for now, there's no rush. Just do the bare minimum you need to, a little at a time if you can manage. If not, it'll wait. I love the getting a cleaner idea, if you can afford it it would be a great help.

Plus, don't think about what you haven't done, think about what you have achieved- even it's nothing more than getting out of bed and eating breakfast it's still an achievement when you feel so low.

Now, how do I follow my own advice? I'm good at the advice and crap at putting it into practice myself! I'm struggling at the moment to be quite honest, have been depressed since Christmas and am now having the intrusive, suicidal thoughts- the only difference is that I know I don't want to die, I just want a break from the noise and shit that's constantly swirling through my mind. This helps me to keep plodding through, that these thoughts are not really mine, they are the depression's.

You take care and be kind to yourself- you will get through this.