So I didn't have stepfamily over for Christmas - now my mother won't speak to me..

[bradbourne]

I posted my dilemma about this in early December... in brief, I was fed up of always being expected to "host" for my mum, step-dad and stepsiblings every Christmas. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1359548--to-resent-having-to-host-my-step-family-for-Christmas-day-every-year

Followed the mumsnet advice, explained that we just wanted a quiet Christmas this year, had everyone around on the 27th instead and thought we had all had a nice Christmas.

However, my mum has refused to speak to me since she went home - and she won't even say why she isn't speaking - aparently, I should know why!?! I didn't see this coming and I don't know what her problem is. My guess, however, is that it is to do with my brother:

Recently divorced, he has now found a girlfriend which my mother claims to find very upsetting for his children. Well, yes, maybe it is. What my mother seemed to have conveniently forgotten is that she had affairs when still mariied to my dad and when I was a child... and then numerous affairs with men after my parents divorced. On at least three occasions, marriage was mentioned and my childhood was pretty sh*t really, not least because she always seemd to have much more time and interest in her boyfriends than she ever did in me. Not that I said any of this to her - but I did look at her and raise an eyebrow when she started saying how upsetting it must be for brother's children that his parents had split up and their dad now had a new gf.... A raised eyeborow, no more. She quickly dropped the subject and was pretty quiet thereafter.

Part of me actually feels relieved that I don't have to speak with my mother for the time being. Yet that doesn't stop me feeling hurt and confused and (I know it sounds childish) I don't want to be the one to go "crawling back" (as my mother will no doubt phrase it) and looking for some form of reconciliation..... I don't know what to do.

Ignore her. She sounds horrible. Better off enjoying the peace.

she's withdrawn, let her "crawl" back. Or not. Just be your normal self with her - if you normally phone, continue to do so.

I would, however, make it clear you will no longer host christmas and if they dont like it....tough!

Your mum sounds a bit of a bully, trying to punish you when you step out of line i.e. don't do exactly what she wants.

Do you want reconciliation with her?

She probably took the raised eyebrow as you recognising her as the hypocrite she is. Enjoy the peace and stick to your guns about Christmas.

But if you read back your original post you did see it coming - you refer to how you think she's going to react. She didn't react like that at first but now she has and it may or may not be about your brother.

You can do one of two things - you can follow the normal route of trying to appease her "crawling back" if you like or you can say "hey I'm not playing this game any more" and let her get on with it

I had a similar relationship with my parents but through extensive counselling and reading books, I don't "play the game" anymore - I just ignore their antics and keep them at arms length. It is difficult for others to understand when they have a normal relationship with their parents, they think "oh but at the end of the day she is your mother" and you should be the one to appease her.

If it was me I'd wait for her to contact you and while she isn't contacting you, you can have a peaceful life - good luck

"Do I want a reconciliation with her?"

I really don't know. My overwhelming feeling at the moment is of relief that I don't have to speak to her for some time... days, weeks, months, years, ever, who knows? On the other hand, if she is going to stop speaking to me, I would prefer it if she could tell me what I am supposed to have done wrong. And what about my children - her grandchildren? Is that relationship going to stop, too? What do I say to them? (And if she will, apparently, cut off contact so easliy - does that mean she never really cared about her grandchildren, either?)

Basically, altough I have had a trobled relationship with my mother for years, I still never saw this development coming and I'm not sure what to do. I could have cut her off years ago, but didn't out of a sense, I suppose, of duty. (And as another part of backround, should add that I have two other brothers who my mother hasn't spoken to for years - about 25 years in one case and 20 in the other; divorced brother and I are the only ones with any sort of contact.)

So when her children rebel, she cuts them off.

Unfortunately she probably won't tell you what you've done to offend her, although you could ask. Not saying is part of the power game.

Interesting, fuzzywuzzywozabeqr... maybe this isn't so much about the "divorced brother gf" thing, perhaps it's more a delayed reaction to Christmas. She didn't seem to take it too badly whan I suggested the 27th thing - but who knows? (OTOH, she normally has no qualms at all about letting me know just how upset about things she is and will weep openly in fromtb of me about what I would consider to be a fairly minor thing...)

Sounds like she's the type of person who will look for a reason to get annoyed and make one up if nothing is obvious to someone normal Who knows what she's upset about, it's probably not about what she'll say it's over anyway. Does it matter?

Your choice is whether to 'play the game' and react in the usual way - or to make a step towards not dancing that dance. You know, the 'if you always do what you always did then you always get what you always got' thing.

Have you heard about FOG - fear, obligation, guilt?

Personally, I'd take a break, not go rushing back, and have a think about what YOU want out of this, what your children are getting out of this.

It doesn't look as if your step-family count you as a part of their family (by not inviting you to theirs at Christmas), so that's next Christmas sorted - so it's "just" your relationship with your mother to concentrate on.

The Stately Homes thread might be worth looking at, OP.

If you want to know what you've supposedly done wrong, you're going to have to ask her. Only then can you really decide what you want to do.

The silent treatment is a real power trip on her part, expecting you to 'know' what you've done wrong. That's a way of almost guaranteeing you're going to waste time and energy thinking about it. So just ask and be done with it.

I have asked. "You know why" was the answer. Beyond that, she just said she doesn't want to "bother with me" any more.
She lives several hours drive away so any contact is by phone. We haven't spoken (apart from being told she isn't speaking to me any more) since the 27th,
I'm just not sure what I want to do. My relationship with my mother has been very difficult for decades now - it got a lot worse when I had my own children because I knew then that I would never treat them the wauy she treated me. But, nevertheless, I have tried to keep in contact, to be civil, to let her have some sort of relationship with her grandchildren. (She was a good mu to me once - up to the age of 10, or so.) But now I think... all that effort, all that bl**dy trying - and for what? If I knew what I was supposed to have done, that might help. But, as it is, I'm just trying to guess.

Bradbourne, it sounds to me as if you have put up with dealing with this kind of ridiculous behaviour since you were a little girl and I think that if you stay in contact you will be subject to it forever more. You seem relieved not to be in touch with her now and to me that speaks volumes in itself - as does the fact that she has already cut off two other children.

You are an adult now and are not responsible for her whims, state of mind or wants. You have your own life and your own children and you are entitled to be happy and enjoy them without all this crap going on in the background. You don't have to be responsible for the happiness of adult relatives, they are grown-ups and can make their own life. You mother sounds controlling and completely self-absorbed - do yourself a favour and enjoy this period of peace and quiet, don't fret over what caused it just make the most of it.

this really grips my s* when people behave in this way. Let her get on with it. My guess is she wants you to make contact and ask why why why! Dont cave in to that. Eventually she will realise that you are not going to come running.

She doesn't want to bother with you?! If my Mum (who's not adverse to playing mind games either) said that about me, I'd say fine and not bother with her either.

Essentially agree with Cleopatra.

I agree. Leave her to stew. By continually giving in and allowing her to treat you like this you are enabling her power games to continue. All things being equal she'll need you before you need her so wait. Also by thinking you are doing your kids a favour by staying in touch with their grandma remember you will eventually be passing the problem onto them because she'll probably try to manipulate them too. Good luck!

My mum was like this. Still don't quite know why she stopped speaking to me at the age of 21. Might have been something to do with going out with a boy who lived in a council house. ( like your mum she temporarily forgot we used to live in one when I was little ). She was and still is, like this with everyone, as and when they displease her.

We had a life as kids of being able to speak to family one week, then as primary age kids told to ignore our grandparents when we saw them. Can you imagine doing that when your Dgd turns up at the door with an easter egg when you are 6?

Do you want to put your kids through this? Her turning her love on and off at every whim? Them wondering if they can love granny this week because she'll reciprocate?

Or, you can get the poisonous woman out of their lives and focus all that energy spent worrying on your family, and its future.

When they are little you are neutral to your kids - Granny lives far away, she can't visit. When they are older, explain what happened, why you decided to protect them and let them make the decision to contact her.

I wouldn't ask again what I'd done. The thing she wants is attention. It's all about her. Don't contact her again. Withdraw and get on with a peaceful life, she's far away enough to be able to do it, and you owe her nothing.

my mother also likes to play this game - and others!

On the grandchild thing - my children are older and have email addresses which their grandmother could use if she wanted to be in touch. She doesnt. SHe prefers to play the martyr and of course her NOT having a relationship with her grandchildren is all my fault.

Don't contact her - really just don't.

What everyone's said is right - people who expect you to play guessing games are trying to wield power over you. It will frustrate the hell out of her when you refuse to 'play the game' or 'act your role in the script'.

I should think she has long since re-written the story of her life and her version bears no resemblance to the truth or your more accurate memories. No point in confronting her about her behaviour, she will just weep and play the victim card and make you out to be the baddie.

Let her stew, but do open up to your other siblings, because it's important they are on your wavelength. The only way to stay sane in these situations is for the children of narcissists to present a united front and protect eachother.