Not sure what to do...

[dontcallmehon]

I am struggling with my relationship. Am married with dcs, but don't have a sex life with dh. Feel no attraction. Have no sex life. Have not had sex for about 18 months now. Wondering if this means it is over...

How old are your dc? Are you getting enough sleep or still getting up in the night to them? Do you miss sex or find yourself attracted to someone else?

Sometimes you're too tired so get out of the habit, and it's difficult to get enthusiasm for sex.

Most importantly, I suppose is, if you want your marriage to be over or not?

dc are 2, 4 and 5. I don't want my marriage to be over, but I want the security and companionship. I haven't spoken much about not finding him attractive - as how can you say that without hurting somebody?

Sometimes once you get going, it starts to happen, I know this from personal experience.

I also know that if you lose respect for him, this can extinguish sexual feelings How do you feel about him, leaving aside the sexual aspect? They say lack of sex can kill a marriage, and I think this is probably usually true.

If I'm totally honest (don't judge me -I know this is awful), I don't respect him. I want him to earn more than me and he doesn't, so I resent him for being less successful. He left school with no GCSEs, whereas I have an Oxbridge degree.

He is intelligent and is doing well considering, but I feel resentful that he is not who I want him to be. I of course, know that this is horrible and wrong and so I try to suppress these feelings.

That is pretty horrible. Don't respect him because he doesn't earn more than you?

What is he like as a person/ a husband/ a father?

You need to talk to him not us. Even if you are 'supressing' these feelings you still have them and they will be affecting your relationship. Its only 'over' if you don't try to fix it. What have you done so far?

Do what your heart tells you!

I don't understand, presumably he's got the same educational qualifications he had when you married him

Are you saying you've changed and maybe outgrown him IYSWIM?

Always remember you could loose your job tomorrow then he'd earn more than you.. I'd say focus on the positive parts of your relationship, remember why you married him, and do some cosy romantic things together - presumably you don't get a lot of time to do these things with 3 small children?

Op have you always felt like that about his education and earnings ?? Or is it a new feeling? Maybe its a symptom of the state of the marriage overall rather than the reason, iyswim.

Well can you respect him for working hard at what he does?

I lost respect for me because he refused to earn his keep, either in monetary terms or in the house (apart from a bit of DIY - oh, and he did most of the cooking, as he was always telling me)

*mine

Gosh, who'd have thought that someone who has an Oxbridge degree might earn more than someone with no GCSEs. What are the chances, eh? :o

I understand wanting to have a partner who is intelligent, works hard, is ambitious etc, but don't you think, as an intelligent well-educated woman that wanting him to earn more is a little backward in 2012? Is it because of specific qualities that you think he lacks or simply because 'men should earn more' - if it's the latter then you're BVU. I earn a lot more than my STBXH does. You cannot judge a person's worth, application or anything else on their salary - there are many people who are more skilled, doing more worthwhile jobs and working a lot harder than I do for substantially less than I earn.

Is that really why your sex life has disappeared? What do you think his reasons for it are? Have you spoken to him? For me, and many people, though sex life ending was the beginning of the end. It can take years though and probably will end so fixing it (or realising you can't) sooner rather than later is a good idea.

Erm, presumably you knew this when you married him? "Doing well considering" is pretty bloody patronising too!

So, is the reason you haven't had sex because you don't want to because you don't fancy him or respect him? Unless you think you can recapture that, I'd suggest that your relationship is in big trouble.

And, FWIW, I used to earn three times my ex's salary but still loved, respected and fancied him very much. He's caught up now though, the bugger!