New relationship after leaving abusive marriage. Advice would be great.

[LeoTheLateBloomer]

I've met an incredible man completely unexpectedly.

We started as friends and as we got to know each other within a group of people I started telling them about a DV charity I'm involved in so they all knew vaguely about my background.

This man showed compassion and interest and a desire to help, which moved our friendship forward and we began seeing more of each other without the rest of our mutual friends. It has now turned into a lot more than friendship and I couldn't be happier.

Our conversations often lead back to my insecurities and hang ups that I developed over the decade I spent with my ex. New man finds it really hard to understand abuse, both as a perpetrator and 'victim' (I hate that word). I've tried to explain the cycle of abuse and the mentality that sets in: always striving to do whatever it takes to make the perpetrator happy, make them love you more, make them proud of you etc. For example he doesn't understand why I still had sex with my ex when I knew I didn't love him.

Is it possible that he'll ever really get it or should we both just accept that it's something you can only really understand if you've lived with it? To be honest I don't think I mind either way but he's one of those people who really tries to understand everything so he's got a complete picture. I don't want to feel I'm having to justify myself to him, not that he's wanting me to do that but it sometimes feels that way.

He's a great reader. Do you think giving him the Lundy Bankroft book would help?

Advice will be gratefully received. Thank you.

Which one of the two of you is most interested in him "getting" it? You, or him?

I am a little uncomfortable with his interest, tbh - shades of concern about men who prey on the vulnerable and use your insecurities against you. This is entirely for you to judge, obv.

And I also feel (again, personal pov) that a new relationship after abuse should be about the present you, your positives and negatives; you in all your glory and human-ness. Not your past baggage. It seems to me that it should be enough for him to simply accept what you say, without trying to analyze and get his head round it. Or at least doing that in his own time; not with you as teacher/justifier.

I felt a bit uncomfortable in his level of interest too, thanks puppy for saying it first

and why you feel such a need to make him understand something that even fabulous men will never truly "get" from a woman's POV

I don't mean I go with the "men are from mars" shtick (which is crap) but if he really is such a brilliant bloke, he will never get it will he ?

there is stuff I have revealed to my DH and he is sympathetic and understanding...that is all I want from him. And it's been revealed over years of a loving and stable relationship, I told him nothing in the early years

I don't want or expect him to get right inside my head, he is not my therapist

am I making sense?, having difficulty articulating what I mean

I smell RED FLAG.

Sorry but I do.

I don't like the ease that this has apparently fallen into your lap. I worry that is is a soft targeting operation. This never getting it bit really bothers me TBH. A normal guy would eventually say, OK, I don't comprehend, but it is what it is. Not challenge you and make you tell him why you still slept with your X if you hated him. To keep at it, like a dog with a bone is unseemly, and smacks of the interrogation I had with X wanting to know who I had slept with, where, when and how often. It was none of his business, and your previous life is none of this guy's business either.

You don't need to explain a THING to him, and him asking you to explain it? getting you to justify your actions and therefore re-live it in some sense is not right.

I have left an abusive relationship. I'm now starting to try to date. I don't want my beaus being told the ins and outs of what has happened to me.

I don't want them pitying me. I want them to love, cherish, respect and admire me.

Sure I know that there may be times when I react differently to others, and then if there is a reason for my disproportionate response or what have you, then I will do my best to explain, in broad terms, what may be behind it.

The men who talk to me ask why I'm single, I tell them that my last relationship was unhealthy, to put it mildly and that I finally ended it and am relieved to be out of it. That is ENOUGH for anyone to know. In time I explain the agoraphobia, the fear issues. I don't want the poison of my past to enter into my positive future.

You need to get a therapist to confide in, or attend DV support groups, the Freedom Programme, but YOU DO NOT SPEAK TO THIS GUY ABOUT IT. Not like this.

If it was sexual abuse....would you find it odd the bloke was asking lots/trying to get in your head/emotions...same goes for any abuse OP! This sounds weird perrvy type?
Unless he is doing counselling course and trying out his new founded skills

Herhissy keep up those coffee dates...practice practice pratice :)

Maybe use the reactions of your good friends as a barometer of what would be a healthy reaction from a love interest?

For example: some of my friends got it because they had experienced some form of abuse as well. The vast majority said some variation of: "Oh poor you, that sounds awful!" and offered me sympathy, and practical help if I asked for it. One questioned me in quite a victim-blaming way, and 2 others offered me their sympathy but remained pally with my ex. Those last three I have now cut out/keep at a distance.

I guess what I'm saying is that, to my mind, a healthy reaction is one of simple and uncomplicated sympathy, along with trust in what you relate of your experience.

Are you still feeling shell-shocked by your experience that you need to have a love interest express outrage or symbiotic understanding of your experience? If that's the case, I don't believe that is either possible or desirable.