Been separated but living in same house 18 months - ex-dh just moved out - and now I am devastated - do I love him??

[helpwhatdoIdonow]

After many years of unhappiness with dh (20 together, I'd say 10 of them bad) - no affairs, no violence, just lack of affection/not wanting to spend any time with me/dh being critical, basically feeling like part of the furniture, not a wife - 18 months ago I finally couldn't take any more and said I wanted to split up - after years of trying eg trying to interest him in going out for the evening with me/join me on the sofa/cuddle. He begged me to do counselling, I was too angry, we had a few sessions but it was pointless. We had to stay in the same house for financial reasons and no family to go to, separate bedrooms. We both dated other people during this time and I didn't feel jealous or anything. Finally ex-dh has been able to move out, about four weeks ago. The wierd thing is though, now he has actually gone, I am devastated. I have been in bits. We have kids also and I feel terrible for them - up until now we have been able to keep some semblance of a family unit together. I can't stop crying. I miss him. I keep thinking about all the good things about him rather than previously when I was dwelling on all the bad. A year ago I was exhilerated by the freedom of dating and sex and being desired by other men - now it seems empty and pointless. I honestly don't know whether I love him or not, I'm not even sure I know what love is. I know I would be devastated if he was injured or worse. But it does not bother me that he goes on dates (not dating anyone regularly so far as I know). It's like I feel numb yet I know I care for him deeply yet I'm so angry with him. I'm so confused. Objective opinions, anyone??

Could this be grief - him moving out has finally made everything really real and so your feelings have surfaced properly. Even people who want to split grieve for their relationship - what was, what could have been.

I am divorcing oh but we are still in the same house. My feelings vary considerably from day to day, I now try to just ride them out, not fight them or anything, but trust that my process of self-healing is taking its course. Although I do want to stay here, today I did have a cold hard feeling of dread for when I will be alone, as DD (20) is planning to live at her dad's when he goes.

Yes, it is grief. But I don't know whether this means I still love him or not.

It may or may not, time will tell, my marriage was like yours but mine refused to work on it, and finally he said he wanted to live apart and I said I wanted to divorce. For me, love died quite quickly after that, as I got some perspective on things, and also through MN help with seeing that I had actually been suffering from emotional, verbal and financial abuse, and my mh problems were a result, not, as I had thought, a cause. But I know that we did used to love each other, and that our DC were conceived in love, and that is a solace now, not a regret.

I would suggest not trying to analyse whether you still love him, you will know in time, but would you really want him back? What would stop things going back to how they were?

I don't know. Even a few months ago I'd have said no. I know deep down he cares for me and I care for him but I don't know if that is enough motivation to get past all the negatives and make it better. I know he blames me for the split, saying he was "quite happy" but it did not seem to matter that I wasn't. He's been defensive and I don't know if he would change and begin to make me a priority. A year ago I had enough because I didn't think he could ever change and perhaps it was wrong of me to expect him to and I should either put up and shut up or get out, and I decided to take my chances on the latter. But now I am wondering if I should have appreciated the fact that he was loyal, a good provider, a good father, in many ways a good man, just not great at being a husband.

It means you're grieving for what was and, to some extent, what could have been if you could have breathed life in to your stagnant marriage.

You're also grieving for the 'known' way of life - the very familiarity that, in your case, bred contempt.

Part of your 'grief' will also be fear-based. Fear of how you'll manage entirely alone without him conveniently being around to vent your frustrations on.

This doesn't mean that you love him. Even if you actively want him back with a view to trying again, it doesn't necessarily mean that you 'love' him in the way that a woman should love the man in her life.

Give it time; find yourself, connect with the 'inner' you, and see how you fare alone. If you are meant to be with him 'love' will find a way even if you both share your lives with other partners before reuniting.

Just remember that the natural progression of life propels us forward rather than backwards and, although scientists may crack it at some point, we can't travel back to the past any more than we can leap over the present into the future.

That's really helpful, thank you.

wow that's really insightful advice izzywhizzy. Kind of go with the flow, as you said, if there is love there it will find its way again. deal with the present, the now, and deal with tomorrow when it comes.
Yup us women spend far too much time analyzing, rather than just 'doing'.
I shall heed your advice for myself (if thats ok) as in a very similar situation.
Cheers.x